Mexican Samurai wrote:

Anderson. wrote:

There it stood – the never-ending, menacing, dark alleyway. Broken beer bottles surrounded the edges, and a man—wearing a blazing red hood which stretched down to the bottom of his eyes—is spotted in between the bottles.  Therehe stood – carrying such a sinister aura which vibrated throughout the alley. The voice of the man resonatesthroughout the area.

Regret is such a strong word in our universe.

We plan on doing something, we absolutely have intentions of acting on those plans, and  when certain things do not go our way... we regret. We regret that we had not acted a certain way. The doctors you see fail to save lives go to sleep each and every night knowing that they could have acted a different way to save someone's life – your loved ones life. The elderly who lie in the bed knowing their life is only a matter of seconds away regretting not living their life a certain way. Why? Because they didn't do what they should have done. They lived their lives slaves to the system – the system that has programmed us to be modern-day slaves. How often do we see men and women living in today's capitalist society and follow orders which they rather wouldn't? The harsh reality of the matter is this:  we have been programmed to live our lives being slaves to the system, and you see, the avenue which I am in is far from that. The boulevard which I decided to walk down many years ago is a boulevard of both broken dreams and achieved dreams. On this boulevard, nothing is taken for granted. Everything is earned. I forever had these ideas in my mind that I could... well, I could do anything that I wanted. When it finally hit me that I couldn't do what I wanted and had to fight for my share, it turned me into a different animal. Alex Anderson was on the way to finally pursuing his dream once and for all, but what he realized was that the accomplishments he was receiving were not ample. Never. He was never satisfied. In that predicament, what can any man do? I was walking down that path of sanity and insanity, and on that line, I had come to grips with reality: I was no longer a human.

You heard correctly: Alex Anderson is not a human being.

He's a vile creature.

I grew up a poor kid who had nothing, but once I started getting something, that "something" wasn't enough. What I wanted after all was the world championship. It was my final destination. It was going to change my life around. It was going to bring me the happiness that I had lost years ago... and on Sunday night, I lost. For 45 straight minutes, I valiantly fought my greatest enemy in Tyler Parker. I was so close to finally retrieving what I had wanted – not just the championship, but just knowing that I defeated Tyler Parker of all men. I was sure I was going to win. I knew it. I had installed it within myself that I was going to win and a loss was not within the realms of possibility. When he struck me with the final depravity off of the top-rope, all that I could think of was my memories. Memories of my past-life. Memories of the life that I was living now. A plethora of memories were arising out of the blue, and I did something I had promised I would not do. I had sworn to myself that I wouldn't. I laid down for the three-count. At first, I was angry. That match took everything that I had, and if I had to die in exchange for becoming the EAW world heavyweight champion, then I would have gladly done so. But I didn't. I didn't live up to my word, and I lost to Tyler Parker. To the 100,000 in attendance, I was simply a man who they looked at as the villain. Prior to Pain for Pride, I had compared myself to the likes of Joseph Stalin and Adolf Hitler... and I still hold that to be true. It's becoming more and more clear to me now that I cannot stop fighting. I don't enjoy losing. I don't enjoy having to look at myself in the morning and know that I still have not won the world heavyweight championship. That same look is tiresome and has left a dark cloud over my head. I want to rid this dark cloud, and now the question everyone asks:

What will Alex Anderson do now?

Has Tyler Parker taken everything away from me?

Millions of people across the world wait for the likes of Devan Dubian and Xavier Williams to succeed.

But even more than wanting them to succeed they want Alex Anderson to fail.


I've gotten quite used to this idea of myself being the residential scapegoat in Extreme Answers Wrestling. The majority of you believe that this is the end for me. I am sure that you all perceive me as just another man who never panned out to be what he said he would. To that, I don't wish for evil to happen to you. Veritably, I want you to continue disbelieving, because that makes me being victorious so much sweeter. Oh, yes... I not only embrace it, but I can't live without it. It fuels me like glucose does to the brain. You see, I will forever be changed by that loss to Tyler Parker, because it's reassured me what my true objective is now. My objective is to regain the moniker of the Ace of EAW. That is the the sole thing which Tyler Parker has taken from me. Until I feel worthy of doing so, I will never call myself the ace. However long of a process this may be, I'm 27 years old and time is the only constant which I have in my life. My eyes are now set on defeating the legendary Y2Impact on July 5th.

Sunday night will mark a new chapter in the book of Alex Anderson, and you are exactly the man I want, Y2Impact. Only a matter of days prior to Pain for Pride, I defeated the greatest extremist in the history of this company – Mr.DEDEDE. When it comes to men who can dispute that claim, there only exist two: Jaywalker—a man who I've already defeated—and you, Y2Impact. The reasoning behind me needing you in that ring is as simple as answering an elementary-school math question: I want to elevate myself. Though I've never seen you as an intimidating figure in the previous encounters that we have, I know your worth. I see the worth in every man that walks in this company, and I know if I can use them to propel myself in any way, shape, or form, then I will gladly do so. The same will be done when you and I are locked-in within the caustic squared-circle. I will use to propel myself and once again place myself in the conversation for the world heavyweight championship. You, on the other hand... well, I don't know what direction your career is taking. I mean, it's awesome – you're doing great things with the love of your life, if that's what she is to you. I don't care. What I do know is that you didn't impress me at Pain for Pride. You didn't show me anything that I haven't seen before. 

Congratulations, you won a championship in the weakest division in EAW. That was just a warm-up match for this match on Sunday night. I'll be ready, but I'm not quite sold that you will be.

Faber est quisque fortunae suae.

The man pulls out of his pocket a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Lighting it up, he begins to smoke the cigarette. Blowing the smoke in the direction of the camera, the camera—in synchronization—fades to black.


THOUGHTS?

IMPROVEMENTS?

WHAT YOU LIKED?

Hopefully you don't mind if I give feedback, considering that I'm pretty much a noob to EAW myself.

I felt that this was a very strong promo.  There were some grammatical errors that distracted from the reading experience but these errors never take away from the overall mood.  

This is all constructive criticism and feel free to disregard anything that you don't particularly find useful.  First, I wouldn't underline a word unless it has a specific meaning.  Unless the alleyway represents something pivotal and must be emphasized, I would try to stay from underlines.

Same as using bold.  Bolded words draw my eyes away from the rest of the sentence so you better have a good reason to do it.  Paragraphs can still have impact with use of appropriate punctuation to separate ideas.

"The doctors you see fail to save lives go to sleep each and every night knowing that they could have acted a different way to save someone's life – your loved ones life. "

I get what you are trying to say here.  Continue, to find appropriate pause by reading out loud or having someone proofread for you.  I'm always willing to proofread in order to make sure there are no awkward pauses or run-on sentences.  Also, make sure to differentiate your use of verbiage in order to get rid of repetition.  "Life, life, lives" was used three times in the same sentence and can feel like you are just spouting the same thing over and over again.

You bring a sense of reality into your character which I can appreciate, I've always felt every character must have a sense of vulnerability in order to build a relationship with the reader.  

One thing that I must emphasize to all other e-fedders, that you do really well, is that you follow the elements of storytelling and the Rondo format:

There are three arcs in every great story.  There is the Exposition (setting, character, background information), the Conflict (what the issue is, why you are speaking), and the Resolution (what you intend to do, solving the problem).  

I like how you explained your character's whereabouts, history, and latest endeavors.  The conflict had to do with the endless questions that were placed into your mind following the loss to Tyler Parker and the resolution was your quest into reclaiming "The Ace of EAW" monikor that was stolen from you.

If only every e-fedder could follow these simply rules; it would make their role plays stand out from the rest of the pack.

I can see why you are one of the top dogs and I can't wait to read more of your amazing work so far.  Once again, I hope I didn't offend you by being nit picky but I love constructive feedback myself.

Hey, man! Thanks a lot for the feedback. I appreciate it a lot.

About the underlining, I used it to compare and contrast the scenery with the emotions of my character. Essentially, I wanted to show the parallels that exist between the dark alley and the character of Alex Anderson. I'll definitely take into consideration all that you said, and I firmly agree with you on the three parts of the story. I feel as if e-fedders now go directly to talking down on their opponents when they need to be able to tell a story first. I really appreciate the fact that you caught onto the story that I was able to tell.

I really look forward to reading your work. I really felt like you did a great job the week leading up to Pain for Pride. Keep it up, brother.

can someone read my two promos please and give me some feedback

Consider my hat in the ring for feedback. Please and thank you!

@ Kevin, your promo was amazing! It sent shivers down my spine man. I haven't seen a debuting promoer that good since The Pizza Boy. Great promo, and if you keep it up like that, you'll get far here

Kevin Drake wrote:

Consider my hat in the ring for feedback. Please and thank you!

Excellent introductory promo.  You gave a lot of feedback and proposed a purpose as to why your character was at Wembley Arena.  Remember, that transitions are very important.  Especially when it comes to reminiscing about the past.  You need to make the transitions a little stronger so that the reader doesn't get lost.  

"And now that I'm looking into the present..."

Or something like that.  

Other than that, excellent writing and a great way to establish your character right from the get go.  I empathized with Kevin as a face.  I don't know if that was what you were going for but the common use of the "Childhood Dream" is a way for the audience to sympathize with you.  

Overall, great work!  Can't wait to see what comes up in the future.

Thanks for the feedback guys! 

@Mexican Samurai, I'll definitely take what you said about transitions into consideration. And yeah, I figured using a flashback would be a quick and easy way to get readers to relate. A sort of "cheap pop," if you will.

Just a heads up:  I'm more than willing to give feedback on rp's.  Just post it in here.

My Battleground Promo


(The scene opens up on Victoria the agent of Angelo Brando, sitting behind her desk looking through papers and signing legal documents that has to deal with Angelo Brando's and his family. She sits her pen down for a moment and tries to relax her brain but then she hear her phone vibrates. As Victoria lets a huge sigh she has a feeling that she knows who's texting her at this moment. Then Victoria glances over at her phone and sees that it was a message from Angelo himself. Victoria again lets out another huge sigh and then picks up her phone to check what the message was about. The message reads...)

Angelo:
Hey Victoria, have you checked out that little poor made video by that one guy? You know that one guy that seems to be out of his mind or trying to play a role of a crazy man or something? I honestly thought it was an audition to be one of my personal jesters, which is great because we need guys like that for people like me to make fun of or you know, just something that will tickle my fancy. I found it VERY entertaining but his name escapes me though every time I think about it. I guess it wasn't all that important to remember after I beat him on Battleground. I honestly can't take these so called Elitists so great because I don't see it. But again they are living in their own little bubble that is FAR FAR away from reality that we live in. But you know I'm not really in the mood to talk to someone that's below me. Men like him belong in cages that we pay to act crazy, to make a fool of themselves. So he can say whatever he wants to say about me if it makes him feel better. I'm use to it by now so you know he can be the lowly scum underneath my boot while I will use him and use this platform to elevate my status in this world today. But that's enough from me though, the boys and I are about to hit the town and turn ALL THE WAY UP YO!! But do me a favor and address this little situation from here on out because why waste my time on this and I don't feel like speaking on this "thing" "failure" "rat" whatever people call wrestlers these days. He isn't worth anymore of my time or energy and if I can't remember his name then YOU KNOW he ain't nothing. So my match with him will be a cake walk basically. And I can not stress enough to make sure you make me look good and don't embarrass me in any way, that wouldn't be good marketing for the next Answers Champion? So work your magic and make me bigger and more famous. Peace!! Very Happy)

(Victoria shakes her head as she sits her phone down and lets out a huge sigh once more with what he tasked her to do. But Victoria gets on the phone and calls in a camera crew up to her office to make sure this will be a live feed. As the camera crew came in and set everything up Victoria stands right in front of the camera as they go live in 3....2.....1.....)

Victoria: Ladies and Gentlemen of the wrestling world, more specifically Elite Answers Wrestling. My name is Victoria and I am the agent of THE Angelo Brando. Now if you don't know who this man by now then that means you must have been or currently living under a rock or you're just plain ignorant to know who he is. My client is the son of a successful businessman that has dominated globally and has taken out all of his competition which right now Brando Enterprises is the most dominant business in THE WORLD. The same business that serves it's clients with EXCELLENT CAR INSURANCE, HEALTH CARE that out does OBAMACARE or any type of health plan, it has reached as far as competing against markets and superstores that you go to buy your groceries to feed your families. Brando Enterprise has also changed the game with it's enhance and up to date technology that will lead US to the future! Not to be out done there is his mother who is a famous actress that has reached legendary status that has been in multiple movies, has one several Grammy awards and Oscars, and even and Emmy. She even have her own star on the walk of fame down in Hollywood California which is the BIRTHPLACE of yours truly, Angelo Brando. Now you may ask how Angelo Brando is so famous and so talked about? This is for anyone whoever doesn't follow this trendsetting phenomenon then that's a pretty STUPID question to ask. If you are the son of a brilliant businessman and the son of one of, if not THE GREATEST actresses in the world then everything you do is publicized. He can take a piss in the back ally somewhere in New York and that spot would be a landmark that will have it's own museum paying homage and respect to that spot he pissed in! He could bring something that hasn't been worn in the 1920s and it would be fashionable, it would be hip, it would be cool which hence the nickname Mr.Trendsetter.

And he can't help it he was just BORN to be on television, BORN to be on magazines, BORN to headline news articles or newspapers and so on and so forth. Angelo Brando is this generation's Michael Jackson, Gandhi, The Beatles, and I will go far to say that he is this generation's Nelson Mandela. It's in his blood to be destined for greatness which in this wrestling industry that's what every wrestler wants to be one day. To be known, to be talked about, to be remembered for what they do in that squared circle or whatever shape you wish to design your ring. But here me out when I say that Angelo Brando already has what your so called "legends" or "hall of fame" guys have. It's insulting to my client that he isn't already inducted to this year's Hall Of Fame because his NAME and HIS BLOODLINE ALONE should be far enough to be granted a world title shot, granted a spot in the hall of fame and be granted to be the poster boy for this company. If I was a smart smart business person, which I am. I would have jumped to the opportunity to put Angelo Brando, one on one with Devan Dubian for the Answers Championship of The World and that alone will draw money. That match up alone will bring EAW, that title and Devan Dubian himself into new found heights, new audiences would be invested into this product known as Elite Answers Wrestling to the forefront of mainstream media. But yet you have him face some weird out of the box type of character in J.P Caliban which isn't a smart move. My client has no interest in facing a man like him, he is far superior than Caliban. No one knows who he is, no one would care if he lives or dies the next morning. J.P Caliban isn't even worthy to be in the mere PRESENCE of greatness in Angelo Brando. Like what Angelo texted me earlier before I went on the air with this jab at Caliban that he doesn't even know who J.P Caliban is! So what does that have to say about his opponent in his debut match? Nothing at all and let me retorte that J.P Caliban is a NOBODY and the only thing that my client sees when he hears the name J.P Caliban is that he has played apart of stealing the spotlight that he doesn't deserve nor he earned. Filthy people like him should be clipping his toe nails and cleaning his toilet and be WILLING to be publicly humiliated by him. That's where J.P Caliban belongs, not in the same ring with Angelo Brando. When people tune in on Battleground on Monday night they'll see what I'm feeding you people right now and what the world already knows about Angelo Brando and if the ole saying goes about history and it repeating itself then Angelo Brando will DOMINATED EAW and the wrestling world.

Now ladies and gentlemen of the wrestling world since I have given you a little taste of how important Angelo Brando is, let me address you J.P Caliban. Now I hate to break it to you Caliban but Angelo Brando is a special man. His last name is proof of how special he is because he is predestined to succeed no matter what field of profession he chooses and that profession is Pro Wrestling. Which let me to lead on to say sorry to those individuals who are seeking championship gold that Angelo Brando WILL take your title opportunity away from you and he doesn't care how long you have been here in this company or how long you have been working your ass off to prove your worth because your worth and your pride comes last and Angelo Brando comes FIRST. I also want to say sorry to those who hold their championship with pride and hold it with love like it's their life support but I hate to break it to you that if you hold a championship of Angelo Brando's desire then that pride and love you have for your title should be replaced with FEAR because Angelo Brando is THREE seconds away from RIPPING IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND YOUR LIFE FOOOORRRRR GOOOD!! That's the type of man you face Caliban, despite what you may think of him he is going to beat you at Battleground and in that process he is going to embarrass you and ultimately own YOU. Now I can understand why you can't take Angelo Brando seriously and I can feel you share what a whole lot of ignorant people may be thinking that doesn't know who Angelo Brando is. Let's face it before Pain For Pride a few months ago Angelo Brando finished up his partying in the streets with his crew and his security force he came back home to his lavishing new residence in Hong Kong, which where his father TOOK OVER and his business there is currently thriving by the way. Angelo Brando told me when he was drunk as hell and high as fuck he said to me on a whim that he was bored and that he felt he wasn't being much media attention. And keep you mind that The Brandos are ALWAYS on the news one way or the other but every time Angelo is on the news the media incriminated him when his sex tape leaked out, or when he was accused for allegedly smuggling crack cocaine and other illegal drugs in the U.S which he was found INNOCENT. He came home and he said just like his father he wants to extend his reach and add to what already GREAT reputation and what better way to do something that NOBODY expects him to do. He decided to book a trip to England and watch and attend Pain For Pride and by that time he signed his contract with EAW. Now Angelo Brando already has beef with some people taking the spotlight away from history making event when a BRANDO graced EAW with his name and his presence. There was no welcoming committee, there wasn't a title shot planned for him, all he was stuck with is facing a man that LOST at Pain For Pride! You make a mockery out of a Brando by putting him against Caliban and what Angelo is going to do on Battleground that you can see on Monday Nights that you will witness Angelo stealing the show and beating Caliban. And Caliban you breathe heavily and seethe and do whatever a lowly person like you do but it won't save you from losing YET AGAIN but this time to a rookie. Now make NO mistake he isn't like some loser like The Pizza Boy who just like him he is what you all call a "green horn" but unlike The Pizza Boy he can do MORE than five simple moves. Angelo Brando is such a big deal to this company that normal equipment and teachings they provide to their new guys isn't fit for Angelo. We went out and sought out the best personal trainer to train Brando in the art of the Strong Style and teach him the ins and out of this business known as pro wrestling and teaches him how to systematically break down his opponents mentally and physically and with that source of unlimited knowledge Angelo Brando WILL become the COMPLETE package to represent this company and again if I were a smart business person, which I am of course I would place all my money, all of what I on and bet it on Angelo Brando to be the winner of this match AAAAANNND if I were Zach Crash I would make Angelo Brando to be the man that leads this company to the future and completely CRUSH all of his competition.

Actually let me spit a little something that gives you an inside look on how Angelo Brando can be the difference maker if he is put in the right position for him to thrive in. I have done my research and you see if Angelo Brando had an interest in wrestling to begin with where there was the kingdom of the big three known as EAW, AWL and FWE. If Angelo Brando went to FWE or AWL or even the extinct AWF then there wouldn't be such a thing known as EAW. If any of those promotions acquired a Brando that will mean the extinction of it's competitors which means there wouldn't be a Pain For Pride 8, which means there wouldn't even be a Pain For Pride 7 or 6 or even a 5. EAW would have died right there and where we see EAW today, we could have possibly see FWE being this hot, getting all the attention in the world and be regarded as one of the best wrestling company in this business. Same with any other company that would have the honor and the pleasure to sign Angelo Brando. So to EAW's credit they did the right thing in signing Angelo brando to ensure their placement at the top of the food chain. So EAW OWES Angelo Brando a lot because he is already welll established in the eyes of the mainstream media. I can bet that if Angelo Brando wasn't signed to EAW then EAW in itself wouldn't be socially relevant. So thanks to Angelo Brando he made sure that EAW is the juggernaut that it is thrive and guarantees it's future from here on out. I'm just saying put this man where he belongs because this man belongs in the main event facing the Brian Daniels, The Starr Stans and the Devan Dubians in the world, not facing some scrub that isn't even remotely good enough cleaning Angelo Brando's toilets.

Now when we look at you Caliban and it's obvious that you are jealous of Angelo Brando which no one can blame you or anyone in the locker room is jealous of him. He is already destined to win the world title, he is already destined to be a marquee name in this company. We don't care if you have spilled your blood and sweat or tears for this little business known as wrestling just to get a shot at the top. Once Angelo Brando is on the top even the graces of GOD won't give you or anyone the power to knock him from it nor keep him from the top! But it's funny to me Caliban how you dare sit and pretend to tell the story of man that you have no idea what he is capable of. When Angelo Brando was a child you were right he didn't fit in anywhere but the reason for that is Angelo Brando had way more personality for a child to have for his age. When he was a young boy people would automatically draw towards him like some gravitational pull. He got what we wanted when he wanted, he was nearly perfect at EVERYTHING HE DID. But I bet when you were a child Caliban, nobody liked you, nobody didn't care much for you. I bet you were neglected and your parents too poor to do anything for you. Thus in order for you to gain some type of recognition or getting people to notice you. You start to act out and became very juvenile kid. But you weren't like that by design, no the only reason why you act that way because of people like ANGELO BRANDO took away the attention from you and just like children like you they start being envious of him. They tried everything in their power to make sure he doesn't succeed but they all FAILED in those attempts. Sadly that pattern follows him to this very day where people like you can't stand the sight of man that has it all by the tip of his finger and I mean that literally. A man that has no knowledge of the art form known as pro wrestling but despite ALL of that he will come in and dominate. He will follow his parents' footstep and DOMINATE. It's in his blood, that is what he is made to do and for that Caliban you should humbly accept it and take your loss with humility. So you can give yourself all these little cute nicknames Caliban but on Monday Night, Angelo Brando will make his debut and prove everything you said about him WRONG and everything that you have lived for was nothing more than a lie and you're going to accept that. We'll see that this sparkling fish will not only survive this "great" ocean known as EAW but will eventually OWN IT! A lot of people think that a flashy guy like Angelo Brando who is entitled to everything that is set in front of him will sink when he enters his very first wrestling and compete for his very first wrestling for him to fail but he will rise to the occasion and BEAT Caliban and begin his predestined fate to the top. He doesn't care and I certainly don't care if it's people like Caliban who hasn't accomplished shit all the way to the most "decorated" person here that no matter who you are nothing and I MEAN NOT A DAMN THING will PREVENT Angelo Brando for reaching to the top of this mountain and RULE with an IRON FIST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A BRANDO DOES!

So fans, and family members of Angelo Brando and even other social media outlets watch this must see match and watch Angelo Brando rise to the occasion and beat the lowly Caliban. We will see Angelo Brando prove every critic of his wrong and that he can indeed "hang" with the big leagues and make them his BITCH. But if you don't believe me and my claims on Angelo Brando coming out of Battleground as the winner then you're just like Angelo's opponent and that's crazy. Angelo Brando will make headlines at the expense of one J.P Caliban the man who thought he was untouchable will get a hard and cruel lesson of reality that a man like him can be touched and can be brought down and he'll be brought down by yours truly the Socialite Prince, Mr. Trendsetter, ANGELO BRANDO! And that's name Caliban that I'm sure you'll never forget and that I do promise you.

(As the live feed ends and the camera stops rolling and the scene slowly turns to black)

Tell me all what you think? I'm open to any type of feedback also refer to my contract too because I made a couple of updates.

BATTLEGROUND PROMO

As the scene fades in, we see Kevin Drake entering what appears to be a recording studio. There are three computers in the room, one situation underneath a microphone, and the other two have an older guy and a young woman working behind them. The two assistants multitask, fiddling with knobs on a soundboard and adjusting things on their respective computers. Kevin shakes the hand of a third person, a black woman who appears to be in her mid-20s. The two exchange pleasantries then each sit behind a microphone and don a pair of headphones. The woman silently counts down, and then an intro song is played.

Darla: “Hello again, everybody! This is Darla Chambers, host of the Wrestling Chamber podcast. I’ve got a pretty exciting show for you folks this week. Shane and I review Pain for Pride 8, then we’ll give our list of the year’s top indy promotions. But before we get into that, I’ve got an exclusive interview with one of EAW’s newest stars, a man that I’m sure longtime listeners will remember, Kevin Drake! Kev, it’s great to have you back on the podcast. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about how you got from where you were last year, coming back after that terrible shoulder injury?”

Kevin: “Yeah, actually, I’m sure you remember that it was actually my second injury in that arm. The first one cost me that first title match against Axel Redd.”

Darla: “Oh, that’s right! I remember that.”

Kevin: “But, yeah, that second one was a lot worse. The first one was just a biceps tendon tear at the elbow. I had to get it surgically repaired, but I was only out for a couple of months. That last one was actually a shoulder tear, and the doctors had to go in and actually re-anchor it to the- you know, to where it needed to be. Recovery was a lot longer, and I finally came back to wrestling last February.”
 
Darla: “And that injury was the one where you dropped the title, right? To Mighty Mendez.”
 
Kevin: “Yeah, Mighty is a great guy, but he’s relentless in the ring. I sincerely believe that he would’ve broken my back if it’d won him that title.”

Darla: “So you came back, and you stayed in the indies until March of this year.”
 
Kevin: “Yeah, there were some EAW talent scouts at a lot of the matches I had in 2014 and the beginning of this year. They saw what I could do and wanted to sign me on. I had to wait until after Pain for Pride to debut, of course, but now I’m ready to go in head first, you know?”

Darla: “Speaking of Pain for Pride, you were there, weren’t you?”

Kevin: “I was! It was an incredible spectacle, really. I was ringside, and I just—I don’t think there’s really any other way to watch professional wrestling.”

Darla:  “How does it feel knowing that some of the wrestlers there could end up being your competition?”

Kevin leans forward in his seat. His face instantly turns serious, and he taps his fingers on the desk to emphasize his point.

Kevin: “I want to make one thing very clear, Darla. Those guys will be my competition. I am going to rise up to the top of the card in the EAW. Don’t be surprised if you see me competing at Pain for Pride 9.”

Darla seems genuinely surprised, and takes a few seconds to reorient herself. Kevin leans back in his seat, resuming his relaxed position.

Darla: “Of course. I didn’t mean to imply anything else.”

Kevin: “It’s fine. Anyway, I really think the EAW has the very top echelon of wrestling talent, at least in North America, if not the whole world. The fact that I’ve been chosen to join the ranks is a real honor.”
 
Darla clears her throat, regaining her composure.

Darla: “Let’s switch gears, if you don’t mind, and talk about your upcoming debut match at Battleground on Sunday.”
 
Kevin: “Okay, so I’m going up against 6 of the other new members of the EAW roster. I’ve been hearing some disgruntlement about it, you know, from some of the other guys in the match, but to be honest with you, I don’t see the problem. As far as I can tell, this is an incredible opportunity. Usually, you’ll have regular singles matches for a while, and a few guys eventually rise to the top. It can take months or years for that to happen, though. With a seven man match, it’s an instant chance at proving that you’re the best out of at least six of the other new guys. How could anyone not be ecstatic about this?”

Darla: “Well, one of your opponents, Alicai Taylor, had some harsh things to say about the match and the people in it.”

Kevin smiles, as though he’s trying to fight the urge to say something off-color. He rubs his chin, trying to collect the right words.

Kevin: “Uh, yeah, Alicai Taylor. I thought it was funny when he said I’m fighting for ‘justice and honor,’ like I’m some kind of superhero.”

Kevin and Darla share a laugh at this.

Kevin: But no, I don’t fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. It’s not anything as lofty as that, I think. The truth of the matter is, I love this business. I love the fans that support me and pay my bills, and God help me, I love the roar of a raucous crowd cheering me on in the ring. Anyway, it’s tough to read this guy. I mean, like I said, I can’t imagine anyone being upset at a chance like this. I don’t really want to be too unprofessional, so I think I’ll just leave it at that.”

Darla: “Well, Alicai certainly didn’t leave it at that. He made it very clear that he considers you beneath him.”


After a few moments of silence, Kevin lets out a sigh.

Kevin: “I… I really try to be respectful of my opponents. I will say that I found Alicai’s comments to be unprofessional, unsportsmanlike, and frankly, a little ignorant. Darla, you and Shane both know me well, you know my laundry list of accomplishments in the independent circuits, and I think the fans know that, as well. It’s unwise as a competitor to go into a match blind, without having done some research on your opponent. I mean, clearly the guy knows a little bit about me, he knows about my little slogan I like to use, but he must not know a lot about me if he can come out and say things like ‘you have the sting, bitch, but I’m the venom,’ or something like that. That’s all I’ll say.”
 
Darla: “Well, Kevin, I think we’re out of time, but I want to thank you for being on the show today!”

Kevin: “Thanks for having me back, Darla.”

Darla: “And where can fans see you perform live?”

Kevin: “Sunday, July 13, at the 2300 arena in Good Ol’ Philly! You can still get tickets at EAW.com, but they’re selling pretty fast!”
 

With that farewell, Darla shakes Kevin’s hand again, and the wrestler heads out of the building to end the scene.


Thanks in advance!

Any feedback on this piece would be much appreciated. Very new to efed's so I am trying to absorb any type of criticism at the moment. I look forward to improving though in the future and I can only get better from here.

Angelo Brando wrote:

My Battleground Promo


(The scene opens up on Victoria the agent of Angelo Brando, sitting behind her desk looking through papers and signing legal documents that has to deal with Angelo Brando's and his family. She sits her pen down for a moment and tries to relax her brain but then she hear her phone vibrates. As Victoria lets a huge sigh she has a feeling that she knows who's texting her at this moment. Then Victoria glances over at her phone and sees that it was a message from Angelo himself. Victoria again lets out another huge sigh and then picks up her phone to check what the message was about. The message reads...)

Angelo:
Hey Victoria, have you checked out that little poor made video by that one guy? You know that one guy that seems to be out of his mind or trying to play a role of a crazy man or something? I honestly thought it was an audition to be one of my personal jesters, which is great because we need guys like that for people like me to make fun of or you know, just something that will tickle my fancy. I found it VERY entertaining but his name escapes me though every time I think about it. I guess it wasn't all that important to remember after I beat him on Battleground. I honestly can't take these so called Elitists so great because I don't see it. But again they are living in their own little bubble that is FAR FAR away from reality that we live in. But you know I'm not really in the mood to talk to someone that's below me. Men like him belong in cages that we pay to act crazy, to make a fool of themselves. So he can say whatever he wants to say about me if it makes him feel better. I'm use to it by now so you know he can be the lowly scum underneath my boot while I will use him and use this platform to elevate my status in this world today. But that's enough from me though, the boys and I are about to hit the town and turn ALL THE WAY UP YO!! But do me a favor and address this little situation from here on out because why waste my time on this and  I don't feel like speaking on this "thing" "failure" "rat" whatever people call wrestlers these days. He isn't worth anymore of my time or energy and if I can't remember his name then YOU KNOW he ain't nothing. So my match with him will be a cake walk basically. And I can not stress enough to make sure you make me look good and don't embarrass me in any way, that wouldn't be good marketing for the next Answers Champion? So work your magic and make me bigger and more famous. Peace!! Very Happy)

(Victoria shakes her head as she sits her phone down and lets out a huge sigh once more with what he tasked her to do. But Victoria gets on the phone and calls in a camera crew up to her office to make sure this will be a live feed. As the camera crew came in and set everything up Victoria stands right in front of the camera as they go live in 3....2.....1.....)

Victoria: Ladies and Gentlemen of the wrestling world, more specifically Elite Answers Wrestling. My name is Victoria and I am the agent of THE Angelo Brando. Now if you don't know who this man by now then that means you must have been or currently living under a rock or you're just plain ignorant to know who he is. My client is the son of a successful businessman that has dominated globally and has taken out all of his competition which right now Brando Enterprises is the most dominant business in THE WORLD. The same business that serves it's clients with EXCELLENT CAR INSURANCE, HEALTH CARE that out does OBAMACARE or any type of health plan, it has reached as far as competing against markets and superstores that you go to buy your groceries to feed your families. Brando Enterprise has also changed the game with it's enhance and up to date technology that will lead US to the future!  Not to be out done there is his mother  who is a famous actress that has reached legendary status that has been in multiple movies, has one several Grammy awards and Oscars, and even and Emmy. She even have her own star on the walk of fame down in Hollywood California which is the BIRTHPLACE of yours truly, Angelo Brando. Now you may ask how Angelo Brando is so famous and so talked about? This is for anyone whoever doesn't follow this trendsetting phenomenon then that's a pretty STUPID question to ask. If you are the son of a brilliant businessman and the son of one of, if not THE GREATEST actresses in the world then everything you do is publicized. He can take a piss in the back ally somewhere in New York and that spot would be a landmark that will have it's own museum paying homage and respect to that spot he pissed in! He could bring something that hasn't been worn in the 1920s and it would be fashionable, it would be hip, it would be cool which hence the nickname Mr.Trendsetter.

And he can't help it he was just BORN to be on television, BORN to be on magazines, BORN to headline news articles or newspapers and so on and so forth. Angelo Brando is this generation's Michael Jackson, Gandhi, The Beatles, and I will go far to say that he is this generation's Nelson Mandela. It's in his blood to be destined for greatness which in this wrestling industry that's what every wrestler wants to be one day. To be known, to be talked about, to be remembered for what they do in that squared circle or whatever shape you wish to design your ring. But here me out when I say that Angelo Brando already has what your so called "legends" or "hall of fame" guys have. It's insulting to my client that he isn't already inducted to this year's Hall Of Fame because his NAME and HIS BLOODLINE ALONE should be far enough to be granted a world title shot, granted a spot in the hall of fame and be granted to be the poster boy for this company. If I was a smart smart business person, which I am. I would have jumped to the opportunity to put Angelo Brando, one on one with Devan Dubian for the Answers Championship of The World and that alone will draw money. That match up alone will bring EAW, that title and Devan Dubian himself into new found heights, new audiences would be invested into this product known as Elite Answers Wrestling to the forefront of mainstream media. But yet you have him face some weird out of the box type of character in J.P Caliban which isn't a smart move. My client has no interest in facing a man like him, he is far superior than Caliban. No one knows who he is, no one would care if he lives or dies the next morning. J.P Caliban isn't even worthy to be in the mere PRESENCE of greatness in Angelo Brando. Like what Angelo texted me earlier before I went on the air with this jab at Caliban that he doesn't even know who J.P Caliban is! So what does  that have to say about his opponent in his debut match? Nothing at all and let me retorte that J.P Caliban is a NOBODY and the only thing that my client sees when he hears the name J.P Caliban is that he has played apart of stealing the spotlight that he doesn't deserve nor he earned. Filthy people like him should be clipping his toe nails and cleaning his toilet and be WILLING to be publicly humiliated by him. That's where J.P Caliban belongs, not in the same ring with Angelo Brando. When people tune in on Battleground on Monday night they'll see what I'm feeding you people right now and what the world already knows about Angelo Brando and if the ole saying goes about history and it repeating itself then Angelo Brando will DOMINATED EAW and the wrestling world.

Now ladies and gentlemen of the wrestling world since I have given you a little taste of how important Angelo Brando is, let me address you J.P Caliban. Now I hate to break it to you Caliban but Angelo Brando is a special man. His last name is proof of how special he is because he is predestined to succeed no matter what field of profession he chooses and that profession is Pro Wrestling. Which let me to lead on to say sorry to those individuals who are seeking championship gold that Angelo Brando WILL take your title opportunity away from you and he doesn't care how long you have been here in this company or how long you have been working your ass off to prove your worth because your worth and your pride comes last and Angelo Brando comes FIRST. I also want to say sorry to those who hold their championship with pride and hold it with love like it's their life support but I hate to break it to you that if you hold a championship of Angelo Brando's desire then that pride and love you have for your title should be replaced with FEAR because Angelo Brando is THREE seconds away from RIPPING IT OUT OF YOUR HANDS AND YOUR LIFE FOOOORRRRR GOOOD!! That's the type of man you face Caliban, despite what you may think of him he is going to beat you at Battleground and in that process he is going to embarrass you and ultimately own YOU. Now I can understand why you can't take Angelo Brando seriously and I can feel you share what a whole lot of ignorant people may be thinking that doesn't know who Angelo Brando is. Let's face it before Pain For Pride a few months ago Angelo Brando finished up his partying in the streets with his crew and his security force he came back home to his lavishing new residence in Hong Kong, which where his father TOOK OVER and his business there is currently thriving by the way. Angelo Brando told me when he was drunk as hell and high as fuck he said to me on a whim that he was bored and that he felt he wasn't being much media attention. And keep you mind that The Brandos are ALWAYS on the news one way or the other but every time Angelo is on the news the media incriminated him when his sex tape leaked out, or when he was accused for allegedly smuggling crack cocaine and other illegal drugs in the U.S which he was found INNOCENT. He came home and he said just like his father he wants to extend his reach and add to what already GREAT reputation and what better way to do something that NOBODY expects him to do. He decided to book a trip to England and watch and attend Pain For Pride and by that time he signed his contract with EAW. Now Angelo Brando already has beef with some people taking the spotlight away from history making event when a BRANDO graced EAW with his name and his presence. There was no welcoming committee, there wasn't a title shot planned for him, all he was stuck with is facing a man that LOST at Pain For Pride! You make a mockery out of a Brando by putting him against Caliban and what Angelo is going to do on Battleground that you can see on Monday Nights that you will witness Angelo stealing the show and beating Caliban. And Caliban you breathe heavily and seethe and do whatever a lowly person like you do but it won't save you from losing YET AGAIN but this time to a rookie. Now make NO mistake he isn't like some loser like The Pizza Boy who just like him he is what you all call a "green horn" but unlike The Pizza Boy he can do MORE than five simple moves. Angelo Brando is such a big deal to this company that normal equipment and teachings they provide to their new guys isn't fit for Angelo. We went out and sought out the best personal trainer to train Brando in the art of the Strong Style and teach him the ins and out of this business known as pro wrestling and teaches him how to systematically break down his opponents mentally and physically and with that source of unlimited knowledge Angelo Brando WILL become the COMPLETE package to represent this company and again if I were a smart business person, which I am of course I would place all my money, all of what I on and bet it on Angelo Brando to be the winner of this match AAAAANNND if I were Zach Crash I would make Angelo Brando to be the man that leads this company to the future and completely CRUSH all of his competition.

Actually let me spit a little something that gives you an inside look on how Angelo Brando can be the difference maker if he is put in the right position for him to thrive in. I have done my research and you see if Angelo Brando had an interest in wrestling to begin with where there was the kingdom of the big three known as EAW, AWL and FWE. If Angelo Brando went to FWE or AWL or even the extinct AWF then there wouldn't be such a thing known as EAW. If any of those promotions acquired a Brando that will mean the extinction of it's competitors which means there wouldn't be a Pain For Pride 8, which means there wouldn't even be a Pain For Pride 7 or 6 or even a 5. EAW would have died right there and where we see EAW today, we could have possibly see FWE being this hot, getting all the attention in the world and be regarded as one of the best wrestling company in this business. Same with any other company that would have the honor and the pleasure to sign Angelo Brando. So to EAW's credit they did the right thing in signing Angelo brando to ensure their placement at the top of the food chain. So EAW OWES Angelo Brando a lot because he is already welll established in the eyes of the mainstream media. I can bet that if Angelo Brando wasn't signed to EAW then EAW in itself wouldn't be socially relevant. So thanks to Angelo Brando he made sure that EAW is the juggernaut that it is thrive and guarantees it's future from here on out. I'm just saying put this man where he belongs because this man belongs in the main event facing the Brian Daniels, The Starr Stans and the Devan Dubians in the world, not facing some scrub that isn't even remotely good enough cleaning Angelo Brando's toilets.  

Now when we look at you Caliban and it's obvious that you are jealous of Angelo Brando which no one can blame you or anyone in the locker room is jealous of him. He is already destined to win the world title, he is already destined to be a marquee name in this company. We don't care if you have spilled your blood and sweat or tears for this little business known as wrestling just to get a shot at the top. Once Angelo Brando is on the top even the graces of GOD won't give you or anyone the power to knock him from it nor keep him from the top! But it's funny to me Caliban how you dare sit and pretend to tell the story of man that you have no idea what he is capable of. When Angelo Brando was a child you were right he didn't fit in anywhere but the reason for that is Angelo Brando had way more personality for a child to have for his age. When he was a young boy people would automatically draw towards him like some gravitational pull. He got what we wanted when he wanted, he was nearly perfect at EVERYTHING HE DID. But I bet when you were a child Caliban, nobody liked you, nobody didn't care much for you. I bet you were neglected and your parents too poor to do anything for you. Thus in order for you to gain some type of recognition or getting people to notice you. You start to act out and became very juvenile kid. But you weren't like that by design, no the only reason why you act that way because of people like ANGELO BRANDO took away the attention from you and just like children like you they start being envious of him. They tried everything in their power to make sure he doesn't succeed but they all FAILED in those attempts. Sadly that pattern follows him to this very day where people like you can't stand the sight of man that has it all by the tip of his finger and I mean that literally. A man that has no knowledge of the art form known as pro wrestling but despite ALL of that he will come in and dominate. He will follow his parents' footstep and DOMINATE. It's in his blood, that is what he is made to do and for that Caliban you should humbly accept it and take your loss with humility. So you can give yourself all these little cute nicknames Caliban but on Monday Night, Angelo Brando will make his debut and prove everything you said about him WRONG and everything that you have lived for was nothing more than a lie and you're going to accept that. We'll see that this sparkling fish will not only survive this "great" ocean known as EAW but will eventually OWN IT! A lot of people think that a flashy guy like Angelo Brando who is entitled to everything that is set in front of him will sink when he enters his very first wrestling and compete for his very first wrestling for him to fail but he will rise to the occasion and BEAT Caliban and begin his predestined fate to the top. He doesn't care and I certainly don't care if it's people like Caliban who hasn't accomplished shit all the way to the most "decorated" person here that no matter who you are nothing and I MEAN NOT A DAMN THING will PREVENT Angelo Brando for reaching to the top of this mountain and RULE with an IRON FIST BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT A BRANDO DOES!

So fans, and family members of Angelo Brando and even other social media outlets watch this must see match and watch Angelo Brando rise to the occasion and beat the lowly Caliban. We will see Angelo Brando prove every critic of his wrong and that he can indeed "hang" with the big leagues and make them his BITCH. But if you don't believe me and my claims on Angelo Brando coming out of Battleground as the winner then you're just like Angelo's opponent and that's crazy. Angelo Brando will make headlines at the expense of one J.P Caliban the man who thought he was untouchable will get a hard and cruel lesson of reality that a man like him can be touched and can be brought down and he'll be brought down by yours truly the Socialite Prince, Mr. Trendsetter, ANGELO BRANDO! And that's name Caliban that I'm sure you'll never forget and that I do promise you.

(As the live feed ends and the camera stops rolling and the scene slowly turns to black)

Tell me all what you think? I'm open to any type of feedback also refer to my contract too because I made a couple of updates.

Overall this is pretty good, but there are a couple of things that you should focus on: 

1.  Ideas need to flow together and one thing should reach to the next logical conclusion. Make sure that everything is fully explored before going onto the next subject.  You seem to only touch the very base of your ideas before moving onto to the next grandiose statement.  There were times where things would feel very clunky because:

A)  Grammar wasn't taken into account (Read your sentences out loud). 

B) You moved from an idea that should be fully explored. (Why do you compare yourself to the Beatles? Don't just say you are The Beatles.  What do The Beatles represent in iconic culture?)

C) Some characters need more detail; AKA give me some more information on your AGENT.  Why is she important to your overall backstory?

Fleshed out narrative > Generic one-off statements.  

To be honest: This amount of content is enough for two to three roleplays if you fleshed it out well enough.  The fact that you made it only one roleplay is downright criminal! 

Overall though: A great introductory to fleshing out your character.  You'll need more information on your opponent to really delve into the idiosyncrasies and flaws. Also, make sure to throw down a flaw or too.  You should be able to give your opponent some leeway to create an interesting rhetoric against your own character and it helps connect you to the reader a little bit better.

Kevin Drake wrote:

BATTLEGROUND PROMO

As the scene fades in, we see Kevin Drake entering what appears to be a recording studio. There are three computers in the room, one situation underneath a microphone, and the other two have an older guy and a young woman working behind them. The two assistants multitask, fiddling with knobs on a soundboard and adjusting things on their respective computers. Kevin shakes the hand of a third person, a black woman who appears to be in her mid-20s. The two exchange pleasantries then each sit behind a microphone and don a pair of headphones. The woman silently counts down, and then an intro song is played.

Darla: “Hello again, everybody! This is Darla Chambers, host of the Wrestling Chamber podcast. I’ve got a pretty exciting show for you folks this week. Shane and I review Pain for Pride 8, then we’ll give our list of the year’s top indy promotions. But before we get into that, I’ve got an exclusive interview with one of EAW’s newest stars, a man that I’m sure longtime listeners will remember, Kevin Drake! Kev, it’s great to have you back on the podcast. Why don’t you tell us a little bit about how you got from where you were last year, coming back after that terrible shoulder injury?”

Kevin: “Yeah, actually, I’m sure you remember that it was actually my second injury in that arm. The first one cost me that first title match against Axel Redd.”

Darla: “Oh, that’s right! I remember that.”

Kevin: “But, yeah, that second one was a lot worse. The first one was just a biceps tendon tear at the elbow. I had to get it surgically repaired, but I was only out for a couple of months. That last one was actually a shoulder tear, and the doctors had to go in and actually re-anchor it to the- you know, to where it needed to be. Recovery was a lot longer, and I finally came back to wrestling last February.”
 
Darla: “And that injury was the one where you dropped the title, right? To Mighty Mendez.”
 
Kevin: “Yeah, Mighty is a great guy, but he’s relentless in the ring. I sincerely believe that he would’ve broken my back if it’d won him that title.”

Darla: “So you came back, and you stayed in the indies until March of this year.”
 
Kevin: “Yeah, there were some EAW talent scouts at a lot of the matches I had in 2014 and the beginning of this year. They saw what I could do and wanted to sign me on. I had to wait until after Pain for Pride to debut, of course, but now I’m ready to go in head first, you know?”

Darla: “Speaking of Pain for Pride, you were there, weren’t you?”

Kevin: “I was! It was an incredible spectacle, really. I was ringside, and I just—I don’t think there’s really any other way to watch professional wrestling.”

Darla:  “How does it feel knowing that some of the wrestlers there could end up being your competition?”

Kevin leans forward in his seat. His face instantly turns serious, and he taps his fingers on the desk to emphasize his point.

Kevin: “I want to make one thing very clear, Darla. Those guys will be my competition. I am going to rise up to the top of the card in the EAW. Don’t be surprised if you see me competing at Pain for Pride 9.”

Darla seems genuinely surprised, and takes a few seconds to reorient herself. Kevin leans back in his seat, resuming his relaxed position.

Darla: “Of course. I didn’t mean to imply anything else.”

Kevin: “It’s fine. Anyway, I really think the EAW has the very top echelon of wrestling talent, at least in North America, if not the whole world. The fact that I’ve been chosen to join the ranks is a real honor.”
 
Darla clears her throat, regaining her composure.

Darla: “Let’s switch gears, if you don’t mind, and talk about your upcoming debut match at Battleground on Sunday.”
 
Kevin: “Okay, so I’m going up against 6 of the other new members of the EAW roster. I’ve been hearing some disgruntlement about it, you know, from some of the other guys in the match, but to be honest with you, I don’t see the problem. As far as I can tell, this is an incredible opportunity. Usually, you’ll have regular singles matches for a while, and a few guys eventually rise to the top. It can take months or years for that to happen, though. With a seven man match, it’s an instant chance at proving that you’re the best out of at least six of the other new guys. How could anyone not be ecstatic about this?”

Darla: “Well, one of your opponents, Alicai Taylor, had some harsh things to say about the match and the people in it.”

Kevin smiles, as though he’s trying to fight the urge to say something off-color. He rubs his chin, trying to collect the right words.

Kevin: “Uh, yeah, Alicai Taylor. I thought it was funny when he said I’m fighting for ‘justice and honor,’ like I’m some kind of superhero.”

Kevin and Darla share a laugh at this.

Kevin: But no, I don’t fight for Truth, Justice, and the American Way. It’s not anything as lofty as that, I think. The truth of the matter is, I love this business. I love the fans that support me and pay my bills, and God help me, I love the roar of a raucous crowd cheering me on in the ring. Anyway, it’s tough to read this guy. I mean, like I said, I can’t imagine anyone being upset at a chance like this. I don’t really want to be too unprofessional, so I think I’ll just leave it at that.”

Darla: “Well, Alicai certainly didn’t leave it at that. He made it very clear that he considers you beneath him.”


After a few moments of silence, Kevin lets out a sigh.

Kevin: “I… I really try to be respectful of my opponents. I will say that I found Alicai’s comments to be unprofessional, unsportsmanlike, and frankly, a little ignorant. Darla, you and Shane both know me well, you know my laundry list of accomplishments in the independent circuits, and I think the fans know that, as well. It’s unwise as a competitor to go into a match blind, without having done some research on your opponent. I mean, clearly the guy knows a little bit about me, he knows about my little slogan I like to use, but he must not know a lot about me if he can come out and say things like ‘you have the sting, bitch, but I’m the venom,’ or something like that. That’s all I’ll say.”
 
Darla: “Well, Kevin, I think we’re out of time, but I want to thank you for being on the show today!”

Kevin: “Thanks for having me back, Darla.”

Darla: “And where can fans see you perform live?”

Kevin: “Sunday, July 13, at the 2300 arena in Good Ol’ Philly! You can still get tickets at EAW.com, but they’re selling pretty fast!”
 

With that farewell, Darla shakes Kevin’s hand again, and the wrestler heads out of the building to end the scene.


Thanks in advance!

Good character building promo and a neat way to structure through a podcast but I would like to see you flesh out your character though.

I can tell that your face but it comes off a little too sincere.  There doesn't seem to be a lot of substance in your remarks and you come off as too nonchalant in your comments about others wrestlers.  You don't have to be mean if that is against your character's morals but we need some character background BESIDE previous matches in order to feel sympathy.  

The Podcast roleplay is a great way to really build on your character's past and I don't feel like it was fully utilized.  Your character is black and white and people want to see a character of grey.  We need more layers in order to understand you. 

(This is nothing personal, just want to get you explore out of your comfort zone)

It's the start of something great.  The podcast could have been much longer and really touched on sensitive subjects (think Howard Stern).   Maybe your character feels harassed by the host's questions?  Maybe you have a epiphany moment where you realize an opponent's weakness?  Make the podcast support your character instead of making it a setting.

It was a nice promo though.  Just some food for though.

Phoenix Nitro wrote:

If I were to tell you that the future was anything but what it had seemed, you would call me crazy. So why is it if I tell you the present lies within the knowing of the unknown, you call me a genius? Little things like this boil through my mind more times then I like to count but hey, that's life right? Then again when you have spent ninety nine percent of your career in a foreign country you'd think the same. It's funny really, you would think at twenty eight years old that I would have the whole wrestling world in my hands, but that is anything further than the truth. You see when I turned seventeen years old I was kicked out by my single mother, of course dad wasn't around but again that's life, right? A few months on the cold hard streets of Atlanta did me good. Really, it taught me how to be a man and I learned how to grind every ounce of what I want from life. Right around my eighteenth birthday however I was given a chance, hell an opportunity. It was a random man that I had seen in passing at the local grocery store about a dozen times, but on this particular day he would turn into the man that for the rest of my life i'd call dad. He asked my seventeen year old self a question that i'll never forget. "Why the hell are you always out here by this damn store, son? Don't 'chu got a home?", that raspy voice of his would run through my mind all the time. From that day forward he took me in to his home. Not really the most crowded place though, just dad and his son who was sixteen when I moved in. They're family, always were family from that moment forward. I wouldn't want it any other way either. Without them I wouldn't be in the position that i'm in today, but hey it wasn't without hard work. Hell, I never thought I would get out of the slump that we were in. Humbling considering where I am at today but regardless it wrote a story, my story. The Phoenix Nitro Story, which is a never ending book, but every great book has a beginning and middle which is exactly what I plan on telling over the next few weeks. It will be a slow journey surely, but every journey deserves to be told regardless.

This journey really got kicked off about five days into living with dad and his son. Why though? Simple really, I was walking through the living room on a Monday night and I would see something that would forever change my life. Pro Wrestling. It's funny now talking about it but from the second my eyes hit that tv I was hooked. I honestly can't even tell you why either, it just kind of happened. Dad was the only one watching, his son, Jason didn't really care for wrestling. So this is where my bond with dad started growing, every monday night we would watch wrestling together. This would go on routinely for around six months until finally one monday night I turned to my dad and asked him, "Hey, pops. Is there any other wrestling that comes on besides this?". With a smile on his face, he would just look over at me and nod his head slowly. I could tell he was expecting me to ask this question, mainly because he stood right up and walked into his room. I didn't think anything of it at the time but around ten minutes later he came back out to the living room holding a cardboard box. A black sharpie was written on the side which had a underline as well, it read clearly "Japanese Tapes". My eyebrows would go up and I really didn't know what to expect in the box. Then suddenly my dad would open up the cardboard box and pull out a old vhs tape which would have a piece of paper taped to the front. It would have two Japanese last names on it and I could only assume that this was the names of the two in the main event. I reached out to grab the tape but dad shook his head and put it back in the box before returning to his recliner. With a confused look on my face i'd look over at him before he would just laugh and say, "We're watching wrestling, son. You can watch those old Japanese tapes later, trust me you'll go through the whole box of tapes before next week.". I honestly just thought he was joking, but of course he was right. We finished that nightly routine of wrestling and after he would head back to his room for bed. Me on the other hand? I went over to that cardboard box full of Japanese Wrestling tapes and I decided to pop one in. Not even before I could get back on the couch, I was hooked. The atmosphere of the product was just so much more different than the wrestling I was watching on tv. This was a fairly smokey environment with the only lights being on the ring. The crowd was quiet, that was what I was honestly most confused about. I had become accustomed to the loud american crowds that were on tv, so to see a large group of people just sitting quietly and appreciating the art was amazing. It also made the two men in the ring that more important to my eyes, these two men were rather large and looked like they could kill the mightiest of men with one flick of the wrist. Suddenly though i'd see the two men in action as a bell would sound and my ears would perk up. Mimicking what I saw on tv, i'd just sit there quietly, studying almost the two men. The bigger of the two men was named Tatsui Yamato, someone who will play a much larger part of my story later on down the road. The man standing across from him however was an american, clear as day you could tell by his white skin. I was confused as why this american man was in a Japanese Wrestling company, but also very intrigued. That american's name was Mike Saint Cross. As the two men circled the ring I was getting antsy in my seat and when the lock up finally happened I almost jumped up. Crazy to think what my younger self marked out about now that I think about it. Something was different though because typically I had become accustomed to how the american matches started off on tv. You'd see a lockup, then a headlock, then they would go into the ropes to push them off, a duck under or leap frog, finally it'd end with a shoulder block. Not this match between Tatsui Yamato and Mike Saint Cross though, they were about to show me a whole new world of pro wrestling. Yamato would lean back and then quickly drive his right elbow into the jaw of Cross, however the american didn't budge though. Instead I would watch these two men trade of the craziest elbows back and forth ending finally with Cross going for a discus lariat. Only to which Yamato would duck under and hit Cross with a harder elbow that dropped the american. I remember that match vividly, not just because I watched it so many times over the next three years but also because that late monday night changed my life. I had my first taste of Japanese Wrestling and like my dad said, I was going to go through that box in a week. It was the strongest hook i'd ever felt and now it was going to become my addiction, some people had alcohol, some had drugs, I had wrestling. Wrestling was always my addiction since I first watched it though, it was only Japanese Wrestling was my crack now. It was the much stronger addiction, it was the addiction that I knew I had to try for myself. 

Any feedback on this piece would be much appreciated. Very new to efed's so I am trying to absorb any type of criticism at the moment. I look forward to improving though in the future and I can only get better from here.

Strong narrative hook.  There really is nothing that I can take be subjective about just because you are starting a character development roleplay.  

I'm not the be all or end all of roleplay feedback though.  I'm only a rookie myself.

Just make sure that you have a plan for a climax in the future.  The audience can't really give a shit about your character unless you build some kind of sympathy.  The emotional hook of boyhood dream is a good start but you are going to have to evolve your character into a modern 21st century arch that relates to the millenials of 2015.  What struggles have you partaken that relates to 2015?  If it becomes too far fetched into the realm of the reader's experience that they can't empathize with your struggle.

Everyone can relate to money troubles in today's society and it's a great subject to talk about and I'm excited to see how your character develops from it. Do some research and make sure that your background is plausible. 

I do need to read more to give you any decent advice.

What I'm trying to say is that this a great promo.

Mexican Samurai wrote:

Phoenix Nitro wrote:

If I were to tell you that the future was anything but what it had seemed, you would call me crazy. So why is it if I tell you the present lies within the knowing of the unknown, you call me a genius? Little things like this boil through my mind more times then I like to count but hey, that's life right? Then again when you have spent ninety nine percent of your career in a foreign country you'd think the same. It's funny really, you would think at twenty eight years old that I would have the whole wrestling world in my hands, but that is anything further than the truth. You see when I turned seventeen years old I was kicked out by my single mother, of course dad wasn't around but again that's life, right? A few months on the cold hard streets of Atlanta did me good. Really, it taught me how to be a man and I learned how to grind every ounce of what I want from life. Right around my eighteenth birthday however I was given a chance, hell an opportunity. It was a random man that I had seen in passing at the local grocery store about a dozen times, but on this particular day he would turn into the man that for the rest of my life i'd call dad. He asked my seventeen year old self a question that i'll never forget. "Why the hell are you always out here by this damn store, son? Don't 'chu got a home?", that raspy voice of his would run through my mind all the time. From that day forward he took me in to his home. Not really the most crowded place though, just dad and his son who was sixteen when I moved in. They're family, always were family from that moment forward. I wouldn't want it any other way either. Without them I wouldn't be in the position that i'm in today, but hey it wasn't without hard work. Hell, I never thought I would get out of the slump that we were in. Humbling considering where I am at today but regardless it wrote a story, my story. The Phoenix Nitro Story, which is a never ending book, but every great book has a beginning and middle which is exactly what I plan on telling over the next few weeks. It will be a slow journey surely, but every journey deserves to be told regardless.

This journey really got kicked off about five days into living with dad and his son. Why though? Simple really, I was walking through the living room on a Monday night and I would see something that would forever change my life. Pro Wrestling. It's funny now talking about it but from the second my eyes hit that tv I was hooked. I honestly can't even tell you why either, it just kind of happened. Dad was the only one watching, his son, Jason didn't really care for wrestling. So this is where my bond with dad started growing, every monday night we would watch wrestling together. This would go on routinely for around six months until finally one monday night I turned to my dad and asked him, "Hey, pops. Is there any other wrestling that comes on besides this?". With a smile on his face, he would just look over at me and nod his head slowly. I could tell he was expecting me to ask this question, mainly because he stood right up and walked into his room. I didn't think anything of it at the time but around ten minutes later he came back out to the living room holding a cardboard box. A black sharpie was written on the side which had a underline as well, it read clearly "Japanese Tapes". My eyebrows would go up and I really didn't know what to expect in the box. Then suddenly my dad would open up the cardboard box and pull out a old vhs tape which would have a piece of paper taped to the front. It would have two Japanese last names on it and I could only assume that this was the names of the two in the main event. I reached out to grab the tape but dad shook his head and put it back in the box before returning to his recliner. With a confused look on my face i'd look over at him before he would just laugh and say, "We're watching wrestling, son. You can watch those old Japanese tapes later, trust me you'll go through the whole box of tapes before next week.". I honestly just thought he was joking, but of course he was right. We finished that nightly routine of wrestling and after he would head back to his room for bed. Me on the other hand? I went over to that cardboard box full of Japanese Wrestling tapes and I decided to pop one in. Not even before I could get back on the couch, I was hooked. The atmosphere of the product was just so much more different than the wrestling I was watching on tv. This was a fairly smokey environment with the only lights being on the ring. The crowd was quiet, that was what I was honestly most confused about. I had become accustomed to the loud american crowds that were on tv, so to see a large group of people just sitting quietly and appreciating the art was amazing. It also made the two men in the ring that more important to my eyes, these two men were rather large and looked like they could kill the mightiest of men with one flick of the wrist. Suddenly though i'd see the two men in action as a bell would sound and my ears would perk up. Mimicking what I saw on tv, i'd just sit there quietly, studying almost the two men. The bigger of the two men was named Tatsui Yamato, someone who will play a much larger part of my story later on down the road. The man standing across from him however was an american, clear as day you could tell by his white skin. I was confused as why this american man was in a Japanese Wrestling company, but also very intrigued. That american's name was Mike Saint Cross. As the two men circled the ring I was getting antsy in my seat and when the lock up finally happened I almost jumped up. Crazy to think what my younger self marked out about now that I think about it. Something was different though because typically I had become accustomed to how the american matches started off on tv. You'd see a lockup, then a headlock, then they would go into the ropes to push them off, a duck under or leap frog, finally it'd end with a shoulder block. Not this match between Tatsui Yamato and Mike Saint Cross though, they were about to show me a whole new world of pro wrestling. Yamato would lean back and then quickly drive his right elbow into the jaw of Cross, however the american didn't budge though. Instead I would watch these two men trade of the craziest elbows back and forth ending finally with Cross going for a discus lariat. Only to which Yamato would duck under and hit Cross with a harder elbow that dropped the american. I remember that match vividly, not just because I watched it so many times over the next three years but also because that late monday night changed my life. I had my first taste of Japanese Wrestling and like my dad said, I was going to go through that box in a week. It was the strongest hook i'd ever felt and now it was going to become my addiction, some people had alcohol, some had drugs, I had wrestling. Wrestling was always my addiction since I first watched it though, it was only Japanese Wrestling was my crack now. It was the much stronger addiction, it was the addiction that I knew I had to try for myself. 

Any feedback on this piece would be much appreciated. Very new to efed's so I am trying to absorb any type of criticism at the moment. I look forward to improving though in the future and I can only get better from here.

Strong narrative hook.  There really is nothing that I can take be subjective about just because you are starting a character development roleplay.  

I'm not the be all or end all of roleplay feedback though.  I'm only a rookie myself.

Just make sure that you have a plan for a climax in the future.  The audience can't really give a shit about your character unless you build some kind of sympathy.  The emotional hook of boyhood dream is a good start but you are going to have to evolve your character into a modern 21st century arch that relates to the millenials of 2015.  What struggles have you partaken that relates to 2015?  If it becomes too far fetched into the realm of the reader's experience that they can't empathize with your struggle.

Everyone can relate to money troubles in today's society and it's a great subject to talk about and I'm excited to see how your character develops from it. Do some research and make sure that your background is plausible. 

I do need to read more to give you any decent advice.

What I'm trying to say is that this a great promo.

Thanks for the advice, really took a lot away from what you said. I do plan on having more or less a back and forth between present 2015 time and the past via flashbacks. Outside of my promos I plan on doing these chapters, just because I think it'd be the easiest way for myself to develop the character. Once again, thanks man. Appreciate you taking the time to read and give some advice.

I really like how you formatted it, definitely attention grabbing. Good presentation can greatly add to the quality of a promo.

It was posted a couple of days back but still just wanted feedback

SK wrote:

It was posted a couple of days back but still just wanted feedback

A-Will, I just can't wrap my head around what makes you athletic based off "pumping iron?" Cardio, is what makes you is a art of exercises that is the ground work of athleticism. To an extent, you're semi right... Does that sound familiar? Semi, if you didn't know means half right. Half is something that relates to you quite well doesn't it, considering the only "success" you've had in EAW is half done. I'll admit, you win to get somewhere but you can never quite finish the job can you? Muscle is definitely your strong suit but consistency just isn't. I've noticed on more than one occasion you win a qualifier and just tank the actual match, yet you want to talk about me not being worthy enough for EAW? You've had a handful of opportunities but failed. By your own definition, you're no better than me. Yeah, I left.. the difference between you and I is at least when I come back I don't shield away my past. Sob stories... Really A-will? I call it a reminder. A reminder in which I will own  my past and make a true success out of. You don't have a right to talk about my past, don't act like you do. My past is MY past, I fight through it on a regular day basis. You have grade school insults  A-Will, you want to talk about my headphones? Fine, these headphones that I OWN have more value than your entire career. It's sad to say really, but these headphones have truly been more productive and active in the past week then you have in the past 6 months. So by all means, keep talking. I love where this is going because it's clear to me that instead of me not finding "enjoyment" it's you who is insecure. You want to attack me verbally? Bring it, because there is not a DAMN thing you can say that will shut down the fact that you are more than worthless to the ENTIRE EAW. If you were to pack your bags tonight, not a damn person would attempt to stop you.  And if you do leave unlike myself people won't remember who you are no "Hey, Welcome back A-Will", or "Man I missed you" because no one will remember you. Hell you've been here for nearly 6 months and people barley know who you are now.  Give me 6 months hell give me 2 months and I promise I will get done a whole lot more then you have in these past six.  Here we are now, you are right about one thing you said. "Different kind of athletes train in different ways." You're A LOT bigger than me, but you're not better than me. You think your strength alone can beat me? See  you're so very wrong. You may be able to beat me down, but you CAN NOT keep me down.  Wanna know why? Because when I was created in the lab because trust me you can't give to birth to someone this amazing.... They put a whole lot of good looks and talent and athleticism in that bowl.  While you are were just mixed with staleness and a whole lot of generic. See A-Will  I have more on the line here than you, my eyes are set high. I may be a lot smaller than you meathead, but I KNOW there is not a damn thing you can do that can stop me. My feet will be firmly set to that mat my eyes looking right into yours and my fist will stay up you know why? Well it's simple actually, I'm more than willing to fight to the death here and also because I will make an impact here in EAW. This is MY stomping ground and I will fight night in and night out to establish the fact that I am here to stay. When you look into my eyes, you can tell I'm destined for success, when I look in your eyes do you know what I see? A man who is struggling. You don't have the drive that I do and you sure as hell don't have the balls like I do. Talking is your best asset because your in-ring abilities are clearly a liability. See you do this because you have nothing else you are good at.  While me I exceed in almost everything I do whether it's wrestling, movies or anything among those lines. I don't have to be wrestling but I am doing it because I love it and I'm good at it a whole lot better then you.  I am what you'd call good looking, but at least I have talent to back it up? To me, you're nothing more than a car nearing it's end. Do you know what happens to a car when it's broke down? It becomes scrap metal. You can come at me with every ounce you have in your body and I will return it a thousands fold. I am not only better than you in the ring but I'm better at all general life. I can turn a failure into success in an instance. What do you have going for you? A few wins in the past month in a half? The wins are included in the long line of failures you had because they were followed by losses when it really counted. Don't talk to me about failure, because you yourself isn't a good enough source to provide any information about success. Dynasty will be added to that list. I WILL BEAT YOU A-WILL! You are just another shadow in EAW, I will be the light to expose you as the piece of shit you truly are. I'll see you on Dynasty. 

Formatting is going to help you immensely especially when you are going from one topic to another.  I need some paragraph indentations!  It's going to help readers follow along when they are reading.  It makes the difference from making a statement to just looking lost and rambling.

When you validate yourself too much, it can come off as cocky and arrogant.  Just make sure that you are not falling into that territory if you are a face, it's nice to shine yourself up but don't make that the focus of a whole role play.  

Try to think of out of the norm ideas for a role play.  Your headphones is a great way to think outside of the box.  Why does he wear them?  What do they symbolize?  What does he listen to?  Start thinking abstractly and it will help your promo become more colorful and unique.

Remember what abstraction is:

1. Symbolism
2. Imagery
3. Figurative Language.

This will help your role plays become much more lucid and vivid.  For example, talk about how cardiovascular exercises boost the lung capacity and blood flow inside the chest of Chris Elite.  

Take a look into your character's motives and apply them to other aspects of Chris Elite's life.  All those things that you say?  How does this effect his morality when he meets fans or family members?  What is his morale code?

These are just a few short tools that can really help you expand your role plays into three thousand words with relative ease.  

Great work so far! You've improved by leaps and bounds but I really want to see you jump instead of tread.  Go for something outrageous even if it seems cheesy or unbelievable. It might just grab a writer's attention.

The Franchise Demon wrote:

Week 1: Therapy Session II

Mr. Smith comes back in the room and puts the straight jacket on Franchise Demon and tells him to lay down.

Smith: So you like wearing.....straight jackets?

FD: Yes, I once was haunted by these higher ups and I was forced to wear it cause I wasn't good enough for Pain for Pride 8. I first hated the jacket but days went on and I realized it was comfortable, I felt calm with this cold world. The world is no longer a fantasy.....it's reality, plus it feels like wearing pajamas at night.

Smith: Ok.....but what do you mean by Higher Ups?

FD: The higher ups are nothing.....well......you see.....

Smith: You're doing fine.....just let it out. I'm here to help you

FD: I really don't know what happens, I just black out. It's like an out of body experience. One moment I'm fine the next moment, I'm looking at my own body and my body is doing crazy shit.

Smith: Well....maybe it's personal anger? You try letting it out during your matches?

FD: The EAW roster......they never understand me, I always try to let my anger out on them from my past experiences as a teenager. 

The Franchise Demon begins to get frustrated.....

Smith: ....Do you want to talk about things that happened to you as a teenager??

FD: STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!!

The Franchise Demon gets up and begins to hit his head against the wall repetitively...

Smith: Mr. Franchise please stop......I think that's enough for today. I would start training for your match against Nick Angel and let your frustrations out. Come back on Monday and let's see if we can talk about your past again...

The Franchise Demon walks out of the therapy facility pissed off and keeps saying Nick Angel under his breath as he walks out of the building....

The content in this is okay but I don't see the whole point in it, it's so short that you've really added nothing to your character, which is what I presume the whole point of these therapy promos were about - adding depth to your character. You didn't do this at all. What therapy session is that short? You could have talked about your past, even in some detail, to let people KNOW why your character is the way he is, to give some backstory, even if he wasn't 'comfortable' with questions, you could have found a way to get the doctor to bring it out in him.

VOLTAGE TRIPLE THREAT PROMO
July 13^th, 2015

The long drive after a show could either be incredibly relaxing, or it could be a time of reflection, wondering what went wrong and what could have been done better. This drive, after Battleground in Philadelphia, was different. As his headlights reflected off of the yellow reflectors whizzing out of sight under the hood of his car, Kevin wasn’t entirely sure what to feel. After all, even though he’d technically lost the seven-man match, he hadn’t been the one pinned. Several times in the match, he had come within inches of being the one on top, but he couldn’t pull it off. There was regret, certainly, but also in his heart, mixing with the contrition, was a feeling of eagerness and confidence.
 
Yes, this next match would be different. This time, Kevin was going up against two men instead of seven. One was the winner of that seven-man match on Battleground; the exciting-to-watch Dynamo Go, darling of Japan. The other was aluchador named El Laberinto, “the Labyrinth.” Kevin had experience with both styles of wrestling, facing competitors in Japan and Mexico who employed many of the same techniques. He had conquered luchadors, become a puroresu king, and in his heart, Kevin Drake knew in his heart, was utterly convicted with every fiber of his being, that this Sunday night, on Voltage, he would do the same.

Kevin glanced at the dashboard. There, in a small plastic case intended to protect it from the elements, was a green paper streamer. He smiled to himself as he remembered the night he had gotten in. When he’d first gone to wrestle in Japan, he had a string of humiliating defeats. While many of the fans knew him from his American wrestling, they had started to lose favor with as he continued to be laid out by the native wrestlers. To the fans, Kevin was just another unimportant gaijin who had no business with the greater talent that Japan had to offer, and his career was spiraling down the drain. Then came what Kevin was sure would be his last match, against an up-and-coming Japanese wrestler named Ryokozan. Even at this point in his match, Kevin would not surrender. He lived by his code of honor. Fall. Get up. Repeat.

In Japan, it’s common for the fans to toss paper streamers into the ring during one of their favorite competitors entrances. You could tell you were over in Japan when the fans threw streamers during your entrance. In this match, Ryokozan came out first, and the fans loved him. As soon as he stepped between the ropes, Kevin watched the monitor from behind the curtain as the fans showered him in streamers. A rainbow of ribbons rained from the rafters, and Ryokozan reveled in the respect. The crowd knew he was going to murder Kevin Drake. They craved it, and when Kevin walked through the curtain, they let him know just how much they wanted to see him slaughtered.  The cacophony of boos rang in his ears, and Kevin could do nothing but keep his head down on the way to the ring.

In his heart, Kevin felt regret. He deserved every single bit of the fans’ derision. 

Then, out of the corner of his eye, the lone gaijin saw something green flying toward him. At first, he wasn’t sure it was real, but as the streamer streaked toward him, Kevin realized that he wasn’t dreaming. Some fan had thrown him a streamer. At least one of those people out in the crowd still respected him, still knew that he had something to offer the world of puroresu. The Scorpion caught that streamer in his hand, and for the rest of the match he had a huge grin on his face. The thought of just that one fan had given him an injection of adrenaline. Kevin won the match handedly, and he went on to win several championships in the Japanese promotion.

With his eyes back on the road, Kevin smiled. He’d kept that streamer with him every day to remind him of what he’d learned that day. It didn’t matter how many people told him he couldn’t do it. It didn’t matter how h 


 
Fall. Get up. Repeat.

It’s more than a catchy slogan. It’s more than a lyric in my theme song. It’s more than a marketing tool.

It is my life.

Anyone who knows my career can tell you exactly that. Every time I’ve gotten knocked down, I got back up again, and I came right back to where I was. I’ve been the king of the hill more times than I can count, and just as many times I had naysayers telling me I’d never make it.

“You tore your bicep twice,” they would say. “You’ve lost every match you’ve had since you came to Japan,” they told me. And I made a living out of proving them wrong.



Last Sunday, I didn’t win the seven-man match at Battleground. My first match in EAW is a loss. Already I hear the smart-asses on Twitter, and on the dirtsheets, and the sports newscasts, and even in the locker room talking about how I’ll never make it here. This Sunday, I’m going to prove every single one of them wrong, just like I’ve done for my entire career, and I’m going to shoot straight to the top of the EAW.

My opponents are no pushovers. Dynamo Go is an incredibly skilled man from Japan, a puroresu master who’s come across the sea to show an American audience the kind of wrestling that captivates tens of thousands of Japanese fans. The kind of wrestling I spent a big chunk of my career learning how to conquer. Dynamo, I think you have what it takes to be an EAW champion. You’ve got the skills and the charisma, and you certainly have the “it” factor. On Sunday, you and I will meet in the ring again. There will be fewer distractions this time, more opportunity for the two of us to square off. I can’t wait for the chance to show you, and everyone else, exactly what I’m made of. I expect to bring out the best in you, and I can only pray that you’ll do the same for me.

The third man in this triple threat match is El Laberinto. A veritable luchador, steeped in the time-tested tradition of Mexican lucha libre. It’s a style I know well; I may not employ it into my own moveset, but I’ve had years of firsthand experience with your peers in Mexico, Laberinto. In Mexico, they call me El Hijo de Malinalxochitl, the son of the Aztec goddess of scorpions. Luchadors do well to respect me. After our triple threat match, you’ll respect me, too.

Everyone in the EAW will respect me.

The Franchise Demon wrote:

Voltage Promo #2 - Therapy Session

Guard 1: Calm down Franchise, just sit down

Mr. Smith gets up and is getting a little annoyed 

Smith: FRANCHISE SIT DOWN!

The Franchise Demon is surprised by Mr. Smith but the guards let him go and sits back down

Smtih: Wanna know why your not wrestling this week on Voltage?

FD: Yes I do

Smith: Well you know I'm in close contact with the EAW Board of Directors and I give weekly reports back to them from our meetings and since you're not spilling anything to me I decided to call the board myself and not book you to have a match until you talk about the day you're parents got murdered so.....

The Franchise Demon has a shocked look on his face and decides to take a deep breath 

FD: Wanna play this game? Fine I'll play it....

Smith: ......Alright, let me hear it

FD: It was a normal Friday afternoon, got home from school and was hanging out with my mother until my father got home from work doing construction work. I always loved my father was probably my best friend. Always would go to my baseball games......watch football together on Sundays. When my father got home we bonded like we were brothers, it was a feeling we never experienced before. We had dinner that night like a normal family, Friday was our tradition getting pizza from our local pizza place. When the pizza delivery guy got to the front door, my dad went to go pay the guy and the pizza man pointed a knife to my fathers neck. I remember I was so shocked what I was seeing, I thought it was all a joke but then when the man walked in with a black mask on with black gloves and my mother freaking out I knew something was up. My father backed up into my house as the man walked in with the knife still pointed at my fathers neck. The man told me to come towards him or he would kill my father, as I started to walk over my mother walked towards the pizza man trying to grab the knife from him and he immediately stabbed my mother in the chest. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom, locked the doors and covered my ears and eyes as I began to scream. About twenty minutes later the cops and paramedics arrived at my house where they found me in the bathroom still screaming and the masked men no where to be found. The cops told me the man was gone and it's okay to come out, as one cop escorted me out of the bathroom I saw the paramedics putting my parents dead bodies in body bags. I began to break down and cry like I never did before, the cops thought it would be best to bring me to my aunts house that was fifteen minutes away and ever since then I wanted to find that man who killed my parents and put him in my shoes. That cold soul has still hasn't been found so when I was a teenager I needed to try and release this memories in my head so I decided to join professional wrestling and now I'm here today in EAW and no one gives a shit about me or believes I'm serious. These cold souls at EAW will experience the pain I felt the day my parents were murdered......can I leave now? I need to train and make an impact this week on Voltage.

Mr. Smith looks shocked as Franchise ended his conversation about his past....

Pizza Boy, is that you?

.

The Franchise Demon wrote:

Voltage Promo #2 - Therapy Session

Guard 1: Calm down Franchise, just sit down

Mr. Smith gets up and is getting a little annoyed 

Smith: FRANCHISE SIT DOWN!

The Franchise Demon is surprised by Mr. Smith but the guards let him go and sits back down

Smtih: Wanna know why your not wrestling this week on Voltage?

FD: Yes I do

Smith: Well you know I'm in close contact with the EAW Board of Directors and I give weekly reports back to them from our meetings and since you're not spilling anything to me I decided to call the board myself and not book you to have a match until you talk about the day you're parents got murdered so.....

The Franchise Demon has a shocked look on his face and decides to take a deep breath 

FD: Wanna play this game? Fine I'll play it....

Smith: ......Alright, let me hear it

FD: It was a normal Friday afternoon, got home from school and was hanging out with my mother until my father got home from work doing construction work. I always loved my father was probably my best friend. Always would go to my baseball games......watch football together on Sundays. When my father got home we bonded like we were brothers, it was a feeling we never experienced before. We had dinner that night like a normal family, Friday was our tradition getting pizza from our local pizza place. When the pizza delivery guy got to the front door, my dad went to go pay the guy and the pizza man pointed a knife to my fathers neck. I remember I was so shocked what I was seeing, I thought it was all a joke but then when the man walked in with a black mask on with black gloves and my mother freaking out I knew something was up. My father backed up into my house as the man walked in with the knife still pointed at my fathers neck. The man told me to come towards him or he would kill my father, as I started to walk over my mother walked towards the pizza man trying to grab the knife from him and he immediately stabbed my mother in the chest. I freaked out and ran to the bathroom, locked the doors and covered my ears and eyes as I began to scream. About twenty minutes later the cops and paramedics arrived at my house where they found me in the bathroom still screaming and the masked men no where to be found. The cops told me the man was gone and it's okay to come out, as one cop escorted me out of the bathroom I saw the paramedics putting my parents dead bodies in body bags. I began to break down and cry like I never did before, the cops thought it would be best to bring me to my aunts house that was fifteen minutes away and ever since then I wanted to find that man who killed my parents and put him in my shoes. That cold soul has still hasn't been found so when I was a teenager I needed to try and release this memories in my head so I decided to join professional wrestling and now I'm here today in EAW and no one gives a shit about me or believes I'm serious. These cold souls at EAW will experience the pain I felt the day my parents were murdered......can I leave now? I need to train and make an impact this week on Voltage.

Mr. Smith looks shocked as Franchise ended his conversation about his past....

I want to give you actual feedback in this thread since you are making an attempt to improve on your roleplays.

I want you to start focusing on fleshing out details.  There still wasn't a motivation for the killing of your parents:

- What kind of background did your parents have?  Were they rich?  Well-known in the community or around the world?  Why exactly did the man kill them and did he take any kind of personal belongings?  

Bruce Wayne's parents died because the father was the CEO of a multi-billion dollar company and was mugged for cash.

- Proofread your material, you use a lot of the same vocabulary and grammatical errors make it sounded clogged and confusing. READ IT OUT LOUD, I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH.

- Your parent's death is a heavy topic.  What emotions ran through Franchise's mind and how did it effect his personal life and upbringing?  

Yes, you can include all this in one roleplay.  You don't have to separate them into small rps. I'd rather have a meaty section of description and background than small chunks.  It's not enough substance right now, it seems as though you are getting somewhere and then you pull out the rug.  I, the reader, have to start all over to become interested in your character.

-Momentum...know how to successfully build a story.  Even a small rp has to have a beginning, a climax, and an ending.  You are taking me on a rollercoaster ride, so why does the ride keep stopping before I reach the top?  You want to talk about your parent's getting killed?  Then I need Franchise Demon's real emotions in the situation; this is a traumatic experience and I would imagine he would break down in his chair. Slobbery saliva and tears running down his face as anger and sadness welled up in his chest.  Describe these things to me.

-You took one great roleplay and are turning it into seven mediocre ones.  If you are that strapped of ideas then I recommend making a new character.

Keep it up and focus more on details and substance.