Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Cody Marshall, here with a little holiday gift-giving idea for y’all! What better way to celebrate the holidays than to buy your loved ones a ticket to
ROCK HARD, 2017’s biggest blockbuster film, premiering CHRISTMAS DAY! Have you ever wanted to see me do a keg stand? How about Superbad star Michael Cera? Animal House, Van Wilder, Total Frat Movie: all incredible works of art. But
ROCK HARD is on a whole ‘nother level.
ROCK HARD is the entire college experience wrapped up into one kickass movie, so I'm tellin' ya: DON'T MISS IT!
Our director told us a little joke yesterday, and it went a little like this. What’s the difference between Harvey Weinstein and Santa Claus? Santa stopped at three ho’s! Three. It’s an interesting number, isn’t it? On our special Christmas Eve edition of Sunday Night Voltage, LIVE from the city of Angels, LA’s hottest up-and-coming STAR -- that’s me! -- destroys THREE MIDGETS for YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE!
Let’s break down the “competition”, and I use that word loosely ‘cause let’s face it: there ain’t no competition in this match.
In one corner, we have Mongoose McQueen. Emphasis on the QUEEN. It’s a good thing he ain’t on Showdown ‘cause I got a feelin’ he’d like to be feelin’ up on Lucas’ little Johnson. I bet he’s gonna
come out -- heh -- to “Last Christmas” by George Michael this Sunday. I don’t know if it’s just ‘cause I grew up in Texas or what, but I still don’t trust no man who uses that much hair product. Mongoose is the most… how should we say it… *flamboyant* dude I’ve ever seen, and I once did a short film with Neil Patrick Harris!
Mongoose the type that would help his ex move her stuff into her new boyfriend's house.
Mongoose the type that comes out the shower with a towel wrapped around his head.
Mongoose the type to post comments on porn websites.
Mongoose the type to text another dude goodnight at 3:00 am.
Mongoose is that dude that'll stop you mid-conversation just to wipe a smudge off your face.
Mongoose is the type of dude to have a chick in his bed and say "not today baby I just wanna cuddle".
Mongoose McQueen is THAT FUCKING GUY who will dance with a girl at the club then text her later saying “what are we?”.
Moongoose the type that walks in on his girl cheating on him and then says "sorry I came at the wrong time!". I have a feeling Mongoose has lots of experience with coming at the wrong time. And yeah, I know it’s Moongoose, not Mongoose, but I also know how triggered you get when I call you Mongoose. Man, you think you’re above guys like me and Ironico ‘cause you’re a… I can’t even pretend to know why you think you’re so good, but you ain’t. YOU are the biggest joke in EAW. Been in this business for damn near a decade and you haven’t won shit, you whine and mope and complain like a little bitch, you carry yourself like some kind of big-time star when you ain’t got one-tenth of the fanbase I have, you can’t move the merch the way I do, you don’t spike ratings the way I do, and you can’t get the job done in the ring like I can. Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t. Check the stats, boy. Check the Twitter followers, check the EAW Shop bestseller’s list, look at all the Bad Cops fangirls on Twitter, Tumblr, and the rest of those internets. Men lie, women lie, numbers don’t.
See, in my line of work you gotta keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.
Mongoose, Mongoose, Mongoose. The world has had it up to here with your bitching and moaning! The reason you don’t get the opportunities you want is, quite simply, ‘cause you fucking suck. What’s with all the hate on Voltage, boy? When I beat your ass and move on to squash those two nobodies you mentioned (can’t recall their names, sorry!) and win the EAW Openweight Championship, you’re damn right I’m gonna represent Voltage with pride ‘CAUSE I’M DAMN PROUD TO BE A MEMBER OF THE VOLTAGE ROSTER AND REPRESENT THE BEST BRAND IN EAW! You’re cold, calculating, it’s all business to you. Well you may be a businessman, but I’M A BUSINESS, MAN!
Who else we got? El Ironico? Alright I gotta give it to ya. You’ve beaten me every time we’ve stepped into the ring together. I don’t know how you do it. You’re half my size, my arms are bigger than your head, hell, my hands are bigger than your head, you seem to not take your career seriously at all… but somehow you just keep on winning. Well, you know how it goes. Even Superman has his Kryptonite. But here’s the great thing about this match, Ironico: I don’t need to beat you to win! I can just pin Mongoose! Or that fag hag of his, Cameron Ella Ava. She hasn’t been pinned down by a real man in a long time… maybe ever. Don’t get any ideas, Cam, I’m a married man. I would tell a joke about your relationship with Jamie, but my lawyers insist I don’t, ‘cause you’re the type of bitch who’ll get all butthurt and go
#MeToo on me. "Oh my God, Cody made me feel uncomfortable! I feel violated! RAPE! RAPE!". Don't worry, Cam. When I cheat I don't go for old, used-up hags like you, with pussies wider than the Grand Canyon. I like 'em young and hot. Y'know, Cam said some funny stuff mixed in with all that nonsense. Let's take a look at it, for your viewing pleasure.
"What does he have to stand out to the rest of the competition?" Bitch, take an English class.
"Moongoose... you are my biggest obstacle in the match". WRONG. In every sense of the word, I am the bigger obstacle. Of course, you're dating Jamie, so you've never been plowed by a
big man, so I can't blame ya for not having your head screwed on straight.
"I mean, who’d want to watch a television show with a face like that starting?" According to the ratings, 3 million people per week. Men lie, women lie, numbers don't. I know having fans is a foreign concept to you, Cam.
Cam said that Voltage is 'her show'. Bitch please, you slept your way to the middle and you ain't gettin' any further than that! Only championship you're winning is a cum-guzzling contest.
I think that's as nice a way to end this as any. Merry Christmas to all, and to all, a good night!
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