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“Roommates!”
EPISODE 1x03 | Spinebuster

MAIN CAST
King Lannister as...King Lannister
Cerci as...Cerci
Devan Dubian as...Devan Dubian
Xavier Williams as...Xavier Williams
Jacob Senn as...Jacob Senn
Tarah Nova as...Tarah Nova
Cameron Ella Ava as...Cameron Ella Ava

GUEST CAST
Tim Tebow as...Himself
John C. McGinley as...Coach Grimble
Gordon Ramsay as...Himself
Coldplay as...Themselves
Joe Rogan as...The Doctor

***

COLD OPEN
HARBOR GYM

We see a panorama of a wrestling gym in all it's glory when suddenly we see both Jacob and Xavier enter. They are both wearing robes that read “CHURCH OF SCIENTOLOGY” on the front whilst they are both carrying a book that has the words “BOOK OF SCIENTOLOGY” on it.

Senn: That was a great sermon today!

Xavier: Yeah it was!

Suddenly they throw off their robes revealing their wrestling gear underneath before they slide into the ring.

Senn: Alright training time!

Xavier: Yep let's do it!

“Training Montage (Rocky IV)” by Vince DiCola begins to play as the two circle around the ring focusing in on each other before they quickly lock up. Xavier catches Senn in a headlock as they continue talking.

Xavier: So how've you been man!

Senn: Pretty good, pretty good.

Xavier: Dating wise?

Then Senn suddenly counters into a hammerlock, twisting back Xav's arm.

Senn: Yeah alright, went on a date a few nights ago.

Xavier: Nice man! How did it go!

Senn: It went great! Fantastic! Awesome!

Senn tries to increase the hold's pressure but Xavier quickly rolls through, kips up and then now locks the hold onto Senn.

Xavier: Well that's good to hear man!

Senn: Yeah...um. What's the word that's opposite to great, fantastic and awesome?

Xavier: Uhh...terrible?

Senn: Yeah that's it. It was terrible.

Senn twists out of the hold before quickly rolling up Xav.

Xavier: Sorry to hear about that man.

Senn: Well you know what they say, plenty of fish in the sea.

And Xavier kicks out at 2 before we see...

SUBTITLE: 45 MINUTES LATER

Back in the ring now. We see a pan of several rings around them and the wrestlers in all of those rings are exhausted and completely tired out with no energy left. However we see Xavier and Jacob still in their ring, with no signs of exhaustion in the sweat seen in the two of them. We see Xavier has Jacob set up for a suplex position.

Xavier: So that's why I told her she's way too skinny!

Senn: But dude you can't say that! She was obese and when you said that she was suffering from anorexia!

Xavier: Hey I call them like I see 'em man. I call them like I see them.

Xavier lifts Senn up into the suplex version before...

Senn: Wait! Wait! I think I'm about to sneeze!

Xavier: Okay it's all good I got you man! I got you!

Senn: AHHHHH!!! AHHHH!!! AHCH!!!

Then Senn stops trying to sneeze and stands right there.

Xavier: Are you okay Senn?

Senn: Yep don't need to sneeze! I'm all good!

Xavier: Alright!

Senn: SHYEAH!

Both Senn and Xav give each other a quick fist bump whilst Senn is still mid-air in the suplex position.

Xavier: Alright here we go!

And just as Xavier is learning over Senn...

Senn: AH-CHOO!

And Xavier screams as he drops Senn down freaked out by the sneeze with Senn landing HARD on his ass leading him to begin to cry out.

Senn: GAHHHHH!!!!

Xavier: Senn are you oka-

Senn: DAMMNNN ITTT!!

Xavier: Medic! We need a medic!

And as Senn is in the canvas in pain we--

CUT TO
OPENING CREDITS

The song, “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the opening credits.

END OPENING CREDITS

FADE IN TO
TRAINER'S ROOM

We see in the gym where Senn is propped up against a bed whilst Xavier is sitting there looking concerned. Tarah and Cameron suddenly burst in through the door.

Tarah: We arrived as soon as we got your text what happened?

Cameron: Is Jacob okay?

Xavier just sits there and giggles to himself.

Xavier: Just wait for it.

Tarah: Are you serious? I mean this is an injury here, this isn't funny.

Cameron: Yeah I mean he could be seriously hurt.

Xavier: Wait for it...

The three of them look at Senn on the bed as the doctor is talking to him.

Doctor: So basically when you landed on the canvas, that's when your injury occurred.

Senn: So I'm sorry doctor, but what's my injury again?

Doctor: You received a broken tailbone.

Senn: A broken tailbone!?

Doctor: The impact of your landing was so severe that it broke your tailbone right at the very bottom of it...so in hindsight you...how can I put this. You...you...you broke your ass.

Senn looks absolutely shocked at this whilst Xavier is laughing softly under his breath and Tarah and Cameron can barely suppress their laughing before they crack up and just laugh uncontrollably losing it.

Senn: Hey! This is serious I broke the bottom part of my tailbone!

Cameron: Which means you broke your ass!

Cameron, Tarah and Xav begin to laugh again as Senn pouts before the girls hop up and leave.

Tarah: I thought you called us in here because there was a serious situation going on but this...this was totally worth skipping a meeting with management for.

Cameron: This was definitely worth walking out on my date for!

Xavier: I know right!? Anyway see you two back at the apartment?

Tarah: Yeah definitely. See you Xav. Hope your ass gets better Jacob!

The two girls laugh and walk out as Jacob isn't happy.

Jacob: I broke the bottom of my tailbone!

Xavier: No you definitely broke your ass.

Xavier gets up and prepares to leave.

Jacob: Wait where are you going?

Xavier: Spreading this all over social media.

Jacob: Dude are you serious!?

Xavier: Yeah! Your hometown of Chicago, Illinois have even made next Wednesday “Broke Your Ass Day” in honor of you!

And at that point Xav pulls out his phone and we clearly see a picture on it that reads, “Chicago Announces BROKE YOUR ASS DAY in honor of local hometown hero, Jacob Senn.”

Xavier: Anyway later man, see you back at the apartment!

Xavier leaves as Jacob turns back to the doctor.

Jacob: So how bad is it doctor?

Doctor: A little bit troublesome, but you'll be fine after you take a bit of time off.

Jacob: A bit of time off!?

Doctor: Well I mean you're a professional athlete, so injuries are bound to happen, and especially as a professional wrestler the amount of impact and bumps your body takes night in and night out...it adds pressure and eventually that wear and tear will just lead to the slightest action in causing an injury.

Jacob: Well how long do I have to be out for?

Doctor: Around about eight weeks.

Jacob: Around about eight weeks!?

Doctor: Thankfully it won't take overly long too heal as all you have is just a mild fracture.

Jacob: A mild fracture!?

Doctor: But all in all there's nothing to be too concerned about as you're going to be just fine.

Jacob: Going to be just fine!?

Doctor: Mr. Senn could you please stop repeating the last part of each of my sentences.

Jacob: Could you please stop repeating the las-!? Sorry. I'll stop.

The Doctor smiles before he moves over to his bench.

Doctor: I understand you want to stay on the road and you want to keep competing but you need to think about your health first.

Jacob: Think about my healt-!?

The Doctor stares at him before Jacob sighs.

Jacob: Sorry Doc. You're totally right.

The Doctor smiles before he begins making plaster.

Jacob: Wait what are you doing?

Doctor: Oh nothing much just making a cast to keep your tailbone intact whilst it's recovering. Don't want something disastrous to happen

Jacob: So you're making me a tailbone cast?

Doctor: Correct.

CUT TO
INSIDE APARTMENT 16

Jacob is eating a bag of chips not too enthused watching the TV whilst Dubian, Lannister and Cerci are all laughing around him.

Lannister: So let me get this straight! You broke your ass after sneezing.

Senn: Shut up.

Lannister: Then...the doctor tells you that have to spend two months to heal your ass.

Senn: Shut up.

Lannister: Then! To top it all off...the doctor made you an ASS CAST!

Senn: IT'S A TAILBONE CAST!

Dubian: So ass cast.

Lannister and Dub are still laughing whilst Cerci doesn't look impressed and Senn just looks pissed off.

Senn: Many people every day suffer from breaking their own tailbone.

Lannister: Okay so what I heard was this...many people every day...suffer...from breaking their ass.

Lannister and Dub are now going crazy with laughter whilst Cerci walks up – having enough – and smacks both of them at the back of their heads.

Lannister: Ow!

Dubian: Ow...

Cerci: Seriously you two, stop it. Dub, one more word out of you and no chips for a month.

Dubian: Aww but I like the chips.

Cerci: Lannister, my king? One more word out of you and no kinky shit for a month.

Lannister: Aww but I like the kinky shit...

Lannister and Dubian stand there quite stoic as Cerci sits on the couch with Senn.

Senn: Thank you Cerci.

Cerci: It's fine, don't worry about it. Anyway honestly, how are you feeling?

Senn: I'm honestly okay. It's just the fact that I have to wait two months...that's what's killing me right now.

Cerci: Well at least you're getting paid while you're at home from EAW. And besides that's eight weeks are going to fly by just like that. The first week will be the longest but after that before you know it, you'll be fully healed and you'll be back on the road.

Senn: You sure?

Cerci: I'm sure.

Senn smiles to himself on the couch as we--

CUT TO BLACK
SUBTITLE: 8 WEEKS LATER

FADE BACK IN

Senn sitting on the couch blank eyed as he's now sporting a long massive beard.

Lannister: (off-stage) Jacob are you okay?

SMASH CUT TO

Jacob sitting on the couch looking normal and extremely happy as the other six are in the apartment.

Senn: Yeah I'm feeling great! My cast was removed a few days ago and I'm pretty much ready to go! Just looking at this photo I took about a year ago when I tried to join ZZ Top.

Tarah: Yeah don't remind us of that...that was...a hard time for all of us.

Senn ignores Tarah's comment and puts his photo down before he moves over to the kitchen where the others are.

Senn: But this injury...this broken tailbone--

Xavier: Broken ass.

Senn: --I've been considering my ummm... future in professional wrestling.

Suddenly the six of them look at him in shock.

Dubian: Wait what?

Senn: I don't want to risk any more serious injuries taking a hold of me. I mean after this incident when I've been out of action for 8 weeks...it was driving me insane. Being at home, not doing anything. I don't think I'll be able to handle like several months out of action.

Cerci: But Jacob! You just only broke your tailbone. Some wrestlers broke their neck and had to wait for over a year to get back into the ring.

Senn: Exactly and if I had to do that...I don't know what I would do...

There's a silence between everybody in the group as Senn pulls out his phone and targets the screen towards himself.

Cameron: Jacob wait what are you--

Senn: (to phone) Good morning social media! Jacob Senn! Former EAW World Heavyweight Champion here...as well as former EAW roster member...that is right! As of today I am officially announcing my retirement from the world of professional wrestling! That's right following an incident two months during training when I broke my tailbone--

Tarah: Broke your ass...

Senn: --I am no longer a professional wrestler and I'm pulling a CM Punk and walking out on my EAW contract to pursue my lifelong dream in becoming a chef. Thank you!

Lannister: He had an ass cast!

Jacob turns off his phone before hitting a few buttons.

Cameron: Senn listen to me. What ever you do don't send that vid--

Senn: Sent!

Cameron: Damn it.

Then suddenly at that point everybody's phone (except for Senn's) buzzes at pretty much the same time as the other six check it. Messages are going all over the place as their phones are buzzing like crazy.

Xavier: Shit these phones are going nuts!

Lannister: My Facebook is going off...texts...Twitter...

The buzzes are still going insane as the group look at their phones.

Cameron: There's only way to stop this madness.

Dubian: Indeed.

CUT TO

“Birth Of A Hero” by Two Steps From Hell plays as the group staring at a rubbish bag before they start throwing all of their phones in. They tie the bag up and all stand around it in a circle giving a salute to it.

Lannister: Alas...poor Yurick...

Senn is holding a baseball bat in his hand and Dubian nods as he lifts up the sledgehammer.

DRAMATIC SLOW MOTION!

We see the bat smash into the bag of phones as Senn is smashing away. The first hit fires off as we see Cameron sigh and lower her head. The second hit connects as we see Xavier comforting Tarah who's nearly in tears. The third and final hit connects as Lannister, Dub and Cerci stand looking at it with their hands behind their back without saying a word.

END SLOW MOTION

Senn: The deed is done.

Senn opens up the bag.

Senn: Every single phone is crushed and destroyed. Except for yours Xav not sure why.

Senn pulls out an old school Nokia brick phone.

Senn: Nokia...ah that explains it.

Senn tosses Xav his phone as he catches before the group of seven stand there looking at each other.

Cameron: So that was a big waste of time.

Dubian: 60 seconds and a Samsung Galaxy I'm not ever getting back.

Xavier: Anyway moving on. You said you wanted to become a chef Senn?

Senn: Yeah! I mean I've always had passion for cooking and I've always had a love for food, so being a chef is a dream that I've always had you know?

Tarah: Wait that's perfect!

Senn: What do you mean?

Tarah picks up a magazine off of the table and shows it to Jacob.

Senn: “Cooking Masterclass In Seattle taught by none other than internationally renown chef Gordon Ramsay!”

Tarah: It's perfect! You impress Gordon, you'll definitely achieve your dreams of becoming a head chef!

Senn: You think?

Dubian: I know so! He's the head chef at one of my restaurants “21” in New York and we need a new seafood specialist.

Senn: I can be a specialist and I like seafood!

Dubian: There you go! Let's get you signed up!

And Senn smiles as the group walk off as we--

CUT TO
HIGH END KITCHEN | SEATTLE

We see what appears to be a kitchen done in the style of the US Masterchef Studio. 8 different stations all equipped with cooking areas, stoves, ovens and the like. Each station has a different person wearing full chef's attire preparing all of their food items and their stove whilst we see the one at the very front we see Jacob Senn standing there looking like he has no idea what to do as the other six smile and stand with him.

Dubian: Today is the big day man are you ready?

Senn: Ready! So ready! This is my element, this is my zone!

Cameron: That's great Jacob! Quick question what level is your cooking experience.

Senn: Bottom experience. Zero experience. No experience level at all.

Dubian: It's alright I guessed that. Me and Gordon go way back so I put a good word in for you. Don't worry about it. He says even you don't know entirely what you're doing, he'll help you out.

Senn: That's great man! But uhh...doesn't he have a temper or something?

Dubian: Temper? Haha that's just for TV shows and the cameras. He's a chill guy really. Don't worry about it.

Senn smiles at his group of friends.

Senn: Okay here I go!

The group smile and all pat him on the shoulder before they all stand off to the sidelines.

Senn: You know what? Dub is right. This is going to be just fine.

Suddenly we hear some people speaking from outside the room.

???: Mr. Ramsay, I'm afraid your five plates of fresh pineapple won't be ready for your morning tea but you'll have four plates ready by then and you can snack on your fifth plate after the workshop is over.

Ramsay: Until the fucking workshop is fucking over!? I WANTED FIVE FUCKING PLATES OF FRESH PINEAPPLE NOW YOU YANKEE FUCK!

Suddenly we see Ramsay slam through the doors absolutely pissed off. The others look shocked.

Lannister: Is Ramsay pissed?

Dub just nods.

Dubian: Ramsay pissed...

Ramsay stands in front of the counters.

Ramsay: Alright! I'm Gordon Fucking Ramsay! Best fucking chef in the whole world! Today all of you fuckers are going to make me a basic fucking ham and fucking egg omelette! Now fucking cook!

All (Except Senn): Yes chef!

Senn: Yes Mr. Ramsay sir! I mean Gordon! I mean yes...chef!

Ramsay: Fucking cook!

Senn: Yes chef!

Ramsay prepares his station and begins to start his cooking.

Ramsay: One fucking egg! Crack that fucker into your pan!

All chefs except for Senn quickly do so as Senn picks up an egg, not knowing how to crack just throws it at the pan and it cracks in the pan itself with shell going everywhere as the focus is back on Ramsay.

Ramsay: Now get some fucking salt and some fucking pepper! Season the fuck out of it!

The chefs quickly season their omelette whilst Senn picks up the salt shaker, smashes the lid of it and pours all the salt everywhere over the omelette.

Ramsay: Al-fucking-right! Get your fucking ham, and chop the fucking thing up!

The chefs grab their ham and begin to chop it up whilst Senn picks up his slices of ham. Not sure what to do, he grabs the meat cleaver, smacks the absolute living shit out of the ham and just dumps it all in the pan.

Ramsay: Cheese! Grate the fucking thing up!

The other chefs start grating a block of cheese whilst Senn stares at his block. He looks over Dub.

Dubian: ...Use the bag.

Senn nods and throws the cheese away before he opens up his bag on the bottom, revealing a BAG OF MOZZERELLA. He opens up the bag and DUMPS EVERYTHING INTO THE PAN before he dumps and throws the bag away.

Ramsay: Finishing fucking touch! Go ahead and flip the fucker!

The other chefs perform a very expert flip whilst Senn just stares at his pan and attempts to flip but the OMELETTE JUST FUCKING FLIES UP IN THE AIR AND LANDS ON THE STOVE IN PIECES! Senn just stares at his messed omelette whilst the other six just stare at it in shock.

Ramsay: Finally you fucking serve on a fucking plate! I'm tasting those egg shits and Ramsay is fucking hungry!

The chefs quickly serve absolutely perfect omelettes whilst Senn desperately grabs a fork and just scraps sections off and puts it on his plate.

Ramsay: Time is fucking up! Here I fucking go!

Ramsay goes to the very end of the stations and goes one by one throwing them all into the trash as each chef leaves sadly.

Ramsay: Shit! Terrible! Fuck off! Piss!

Eventually he ends up...at Jacob's station and he stares at the omelette.

Ramsay: What the bloody fuck is that?

Senn: Ahhh...a...a...a ham and cheese omelette.

Ramsay picks up the fork and grabs a bit out of the omelette. He's balancing it in his mouth before he swallows it.

Ramsay: That...is a dreadful over-salted piece of shit.

Senn: Sorry sir.

Ramsay: However...

Ramsay turns to Dub and nods as Dub nods back at him before he turns to Jacob Senn.

Ramsay: Dubian says you have a lot of fucking potential. And I fucking take his fucking word for all it's fucking worth. So I'll send you to fucking Paris. You will train at the legendary “Cordon Le Bleu” school of fucking cooking.

Senn: Holy shit that is incredible!

Ramsay: OI! Don't sware! That's fucking rude!

Senn just looks at Ramsay blankly.

Ramsay: So welcome to my fucking cooking team.

Ramsay extends his hand to Jacob.

Senn: My dream...it's going to happen. I'm going to be a chef!

Senn shakes Ramsay's hand.

Ramsay: Provided you don't break your fucking arse again.

Ramsay laughes to himself as Senn eye begins to twitch slightly.

Senn: I...I broke my tailbone.

Ramsay: Doesn't matter to me mate. Sounds like you broke your arse.

Senn: Tailbone...

Ramsay: You broke your fucking arse Senn.

Senn: IT WAS MY TAILBONE!!!

And “Caught In A Mosh” by Anthrax suddenly starts playing (right where the riff kicks in) and Senn PUNCHES Ramsay square in the face. Ramsay gets up and attempts to run away but Ramsay catches him at HITS A GERMAN SUPLEX ONTO HIM. Finally as Ramsay is crawling along the ground Senn climbs on top of a stove.

Senn: MY. TAILBONNNNEEEE!!!

And Senn leaps off of the table as he connects with the HARMONIC DIVERGENCE onto Ramsay who is now completely out of breath. Senn gets up and his group just stares at him in total shock.

Lannister: We should probably get out of here.

Cerci: Go, go, go!

The seven of them race out of the way as we--

CUT TO
APARTMENT #12

Jacob is sitting on the couch looking unhappy whilst the other six are there trying to cheer him up.

Xavier: Hey man, it's not as bad as you think it is.

Senn: I've ruined all hopes of becoming a chef.

Tarah: No you haven't. There are more chefs than Gordon Ramsay.

Senn: Yeah but he's like friends with every single one of them!

Lannister: Listen Jacob. You just have to look at the positives here. Maybe this is a sign that being a chef isn't for you at all. I mean think about it, there are other things available for you. Maybe one of those can be what you do?

Jacob: Yeah...maybe you're right.

Jacob smiles as Lannister pats him on the shoulder before he turns on the TV, directly to a newscast.

Newsreader: Welcome to Channel 6 News. In breaking news tonight, LOCAL MAN RUINS EVERYTHING! Former professional wrestler and now aspiring professional chef Jacob Senn reportedly went ballistic during a masterclass held by international celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay after Ramsay was reportedly found nearly unconscious in the chef hall. However when Ramsay was asked whether or not he would sue he said quote, “Jacob Senn has a bigger pair of balls than any other fucker I ever knew. I wouldn't sue him, and I will countersue anyone else that attempts to.” In other news, #AssCast is trending worldwide!

Lannister quickly turns the TV off as Senn just stares at it, a bit confused.

Lannister: Ahhh...just ignore that. Anyway...is there any other hidden talents you have? Something that you can do?

Senn: Well I know how to play the guitar.

The other six are looking at him a bit surprised.

Cameron: You know how to play guitar?

Senn: Yeah. I actually played guitar for Coldplay for three months whilst they were having an argument with their current guitarist?

Tarah: Oh yeah? How did that turn out?

We see Senn thinking to himself as we--

FLASHBACK TO:
SUBTITLE: LONDON, ENGLAND

We see the band Coldplay in the middle of a rehearsal with Jacob playing with them. They're playing the song “Clocks” as before they hit the chorus Jacob stops it.

Senn: Wait guys, stop, stop, stop!

The band stops as they look at him.

Chris Martin: What is it Jacob?

Senn: I have an idea for the band!

Chris Martin: What is it?

Senn: Okay how about the next few songs we write...

Will Champion: Yeah...

Senn: Have lyrics...

Guy Berryman: Yeah...

Senn: That are not about us bitching about emotional, depressing bullshit!

Senn smiles goofily and puts his thumb up as the other three members of the band death stare him.

END FLASHBACK
BACK TO PRESENT

Jacob stands there before turning back to the group.

Senn: Didn't go exactly well...

Xavier: Right, well are there other things you can do? Besides playing guitar?

Senn: Well...I did play college football.

Xavier: College ball?

Senn: Yeah! I was the starting quarterback at Miami U for two years!

Tarah: Well you see? There you go! You can become a pro football player!

Senn: That's perfect guys! Jacob Senn! Former champion of EAW, now champion of the NFL!

The group all look at him a little bit uneasy saying things like “Maybe”, “Yeah?” and “Uhh...”

Senn: Ummm...Jacob Senn! Former champion of EAW, now champion of the CFL!

The group all react in the same way as before.

Senn: Seriously? You guys don't think I'm cut out for the Canadian Football League?

The group all stare at him before they say...

Xavier: Yeah, no.

Tarah: Not in the slightest.

Lannister: You'll be cut in a week.

Senn just looks slightly shocked but doesn't let it phase him.

Senn: Umm...Jacob Senn! Former champion of EAW, now champion of the Arena Football League?

Then the group of six cheer and applaud.

Lannister: There you go!

Cameron: You can do it Senn!

Xavier: Jacob Senn! Five time ArenaBowl Champion, two time ArenaBowl MVP!

Senn: Yeah! I'm ready for this!

Dubian: This is perfect too because the Spokane Shock are just nearby and they have try-outs this weekend!

Senn: How do you know if they have try-outs?

Tarah: What are you talking about, it's the Arena Football League. They're always going to have try-outs every weekend.

Senn: ...True.

Dubian: And if you want to train up to become a professional footballer, a good friend of mine is a former NFL quarterback and I can contact him to help you train up!

Senn: That would be amazing man!

Dubian: Alright, let's get it sorted!

CUT TO
STAR POINT CITY PARK | MORNING

We see Jacob and Dub standing in the park getting ready. Jacob is wearing a Spokane Shock T-Shirt whilst wearing a pair of jeans, whilst Dub is smiling there wearing a suit.

Dubian: He'll be here very shortly.

Senn: So what's to know about this guy?

Dubian: Well this guy is a former NFL quarterback.

Senn: Yeah...

Dubian: He was a first round pick in the NFL draft.

Senn: Hell yeah!

Dubian: And since retiring he's become a commentator.

Senn: ALRIGHT! HELL YEAH! I'm going to be trained by Troy Aikman!

Dubian: Ummm...close. Oh look he's here right now!

Senn and Dubian both look up when they see a blue Ford Focus pull up. There's a sticker on the car that reads “GO WITH GOD!”

Senn: Oh no...

We then see the back of the car and there's another sticker that reads. “If a NFL team needs a quarterback, call me!”

Senn: Oh dear god...

The car door opens and there is...TIM TEBOW!

Tebow: Hey guys!

Senn: OH FUCK NO! (To Dub) This is a trap Dub! You tricked me!

Tim Tebow walks closer to the group of them and smiles.

Tebow: Hi nice to meet you Jacob! I'm Tim Tebow! Former Broncos, Jets and Patriots quarterback and current ESPN analyst!

Senn: HELL NO! HELL NO! I'm not getting trained by some terrible ass of a quarterback who's probably still a virgin!

Tebow: HEY! (pause) I am NOT a TERRIBLE ASS of a quarterback. Anyway, speaking of asses weren't you the guy who broke his?

Senn: It was my tailbone.

Tebow: It was your ass man.

Senn: IT WAS MY TAILBONE YOU VIRGIN!

Senn RACES straight towards Tebow when suddenly he MATRIXES by ducking down with Senn diving straight on top of him before he kips back up. Jacob just looks confused.

Senn: Woah...

Tebow: The art of the quarterback. Mr. Asscast.

Senn: TAILBONE CAST YOU VIRGIN!

Senn races back the other way as Tebow suddenly disappears then REAPPEARS behind Senn.

Senn: Woah...

Tebow smiles before holding up a football.

Tebow: Ready to train?

Senn grabs his football off of the ground. His football has the word “FOOTBALL” drawn on it in very poor black marker.

Senn: Ready!

CUE MONTAGE

“Push It To The Limit” by Paul Engemann begins to play as we see a montage of Tebow and Senn playing football. These include the two practicing their throws, Senn having to train his speed but not getting faster, so Dubian brings out Tarah holding a plate of bacon. She begins to run backwards with it, leading for Senn to run very quickly to get to the bacon.

Other tests include Senn having to practice throwing blindfolded, going through a meditation session with Tebow, and practicing learning how to take tackles and hits. Eventually as Tebow and Senn are talking, Tebow smiles and pulls out a couple of The Bible and smiles whilst pointing to it. Senn ends up staring at Tebow unimpressed before throwing his football at him and walking off.

END MONTAGE

The song begins to fade out as we see Senn with football in hand preparing to throw.

Tebow: THROW!

Senn immediately launches a pass that spirals nearly 60 yards before it perfectly lands in a rubbish bin nearby.

Tebow: You nailed it! Okay looks like you're ready for your try-out man.

Senn: Thanks Tim, couldn't have done it without you man. This Saturday is going to be great!

Tebow: No worries anytime man. Anyway I best be off.

Tebow approaches his car as Senn prepares to leave before Tebow turns back.

Tebow: Hey if you get in to the Shock umm...is it possible if I could become your back up?

Senn: Uhhh...I'll think about it. Anyway thanks man see you later!

Senn leaves the field as Tebow calls out to him.

Tebow: Okay! Well Go With God!

Senn: No thank you, virgin man!

Tebow looks at Senn a little bit upset before he hops back in his car.

CUT TO
SPOKANE SHOCK | TRYOUT FACILITY

We see a small arena packed with football players in there as we cut to the main entrance of the arena. Our group of seven storm in with Senn looking very focused, Dub snacking on a bag of pork crackles whilst the other five just have very blank expressions on their face.

Senn storms directly to the table in front of him where there is a middle aged man wearing a Spokane Shock cap.

Senn: I'm here to tryout for the team?

Man: 50 dollars.

Senn slams the bill on the table as the man picks it up, inspects it, then puts it away.

Man: You're going for quarterback?

Senn: Yes sir.

Man: Alright get into your gear, you'll be required in about 10 minutes.

Senn nods and leaves as the group of six sit on the sidelines.

Xavier: A football game!

Lannister: This isn't a football game Xav, this is just football tryouts.

Xavier: Are you serious?

Tarah: Yeah, just tryouts.

Xavier: Awww...

We see Xavier is decked out in Spokane Shock jersey, wearing a Spokane Shock cap and is waving a flag that reads “GO SPORTS!” on it as he puts the cap and flag away.

Announcer: Can all quarterback tryouts please get ready!

Then the group of six look down and see Jacob Senn running out in his football jersey and helmet all business as he joins about 25 other people all assumingly trying out for quarterback. We then see Coach Grimble run out (the man at the table beforehand).

Grimble: Alright! Listen to me you football junkies. There are 25 of you trying out for the position of quarterback, but only one of will join my time and my question to you all is honestly if you don't have the athletic prowess that football players need today then what in “God's Name, It's Me Margaret” do you think you're doing here? Each of you will go one by one running the drill. Try not to get tackled. Who ever I believe has that “it factor” will join my team am I making myself clear?

All Players (except Senn): Yes coach!

Senn: Yes Mister Coach sir! I mean coach! I mean yes crystal clear coach!

Grimble stares at Senn before he walks up to him.

Grimble: I got my eye on you...

Senn does an exaggerated gulp.

Grimble: PLAYERS! PLACES!

All of the players disperse as Senn stands then breathing in and out to himself.

Senn: Everything's going to be fine...

A player runs past him.

Player #1: You're gonna get hurt today.

Senn: Everything will be mostly fine...

Another player runs past.

Player #2: Man you're going to get fucked up.

Senn: Yeah I'm going to fucked up.

CUT TO
ON THE FIELD

Senn is the last quarterback in line as we see a series of quarterbacks get destroyed and annihilated by defending players smashing and knocking them over. The final quarterback before Senn prepares to go and the second the whistle blows a massive lineman just charges and flattens him.

We see that player be carried off of the field as Senn looks over in Shock before...

Grimble: Kid! You're up!

Senn looks out to the field and races on as he gets ready to start the play. He looks out to everyone else on the field, looks out to his friends as they look tense. Lannister and Cerci hold each other's hands as they stare outwards, Dubian looks closely as he finishes his food, Cameron puts her hands in a praying style position whilst Xavier and Tarah look closely on to the field as Xavier puts his hand on top of hers before she goes...

Tarah: (gritted teeth) Xav...get your hand off my hand...

Xavier: Sure.

Xavier moves his hand to Tarah's knee as she sighs as we go back to the field.

Senn: BLUE 22!

SUDDEN FLASHBACK

Senn coming down the ramp.

Ring Announcer: From Chicago, Illinois weighing in at 225 pounds...JACCCOOOBB SENNN!

END FLASHBACK

Senn tries to regain his focus.

Senn: BLUE 22! SCATTER! SCATTER!

However as Senn tries to think we--

SUDDEN FLASHBACK

Senn holding the EAW Championship

Ring Announcer: Your winner and NNEEEWWW EAW CHAMPION JACCCOOBBB SEENNNN!!!

END FLASHBACK

Senn immediately realises something.

Senn: This isn't right.

Grimble: Senn, start the play!

Senn: I shouldn't be playing football...

Senn rips his helmet off and throws it the ground.

Grimble: Senn! What the hell are you doing?

Senn throws his jersey off.

Senn: I'm not a football player!

And Senn rips off his pads.

Senn: I AM A PROFESSIONAL WRESTLER!

Grimble: HEY! PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON MISTER ASSCAST!

Then Senn looks up and stares at Grimble.

Senn: BROKEN! TAILBONE!

Then suddenly “X Gon Give It To Ya” by DMX begins to play as Senn just CHARGES through the field knocking out and taking down every player in his sight hitting a series of suplex's, DDT's and other things before the entire field of players is gone and all that remains is Coach Grimble.

Grimble: Oh shit...

The coach runs but Senn catches up to him and hits a massive spinebuster before he climbs the goalpost, balances on it and hits the HARMONIC DIVERGENCE onto Coach Grimble off the top of the goalpost. Senn smiles, completely out of breath.

Senn: I'm a wrestler!

However Senn notices the scene of carnage in front of him, players everywhere knocked out. He looks up to his group of friends...

Senn: Guys should we get out of here?

...But notices that they're already running out of the arena.

Xavier: Way ahead of you buddy!

Senn shrugs before running off after them.

CUT TO
APARTMENT 8 | LIVING ROOM

Back at Jacob and Xavier's apartment now as the TV is going on showing the news.

Newsreader: Tonight's top story! LOCAL MAN RUINS EVERYTHING AGAIN! When former professional wrestler, former aspiring professional chef, and current aspiring professional arena football player Jacob Senn went ballistic at a tryout session for Arena Football team Spokane Shock knocking out every player and their Head Coach, Coach Grimble. However when the team threatened to sue, once again Gordon Ramsay stated that “Senn’s got balls” and he would sue the Spokane Shock in return, therefore the team has dropped all of their accusations. More details at 11.

Cameron switches the TV off as the group sit there.

Lannister: So...what now?

Jacob just smiles as “Times We Had” by The Mother Hips begins to play.

Senn: I've been thinking about it a lot and realised...professional wrestling is where I want to be. Professional wrestling is my passion, and it's what I want to spend the rest of my life doing. Therefore I hereby announce my return to professional wrestling and the end of my retirement!

The group cheer at Senn's announcement before they realise something.

Tarah: Wait do you think EAW will welcome you back with open arms?

Senn: Yeah, I mean I'm sure there's no hard feelings.

CUT TO
BACKSTAGE OF DYNASTY

We see Xav and Jacob waiting backstage.

Ring Announcer: And his opponent from Chicago, Illinois via way of Miami, Florida JACCCCOOOBBBB “MISTER ASS CAST” SEENNNNNNN!!!

Xavier: Really? No hard feelings?

We pan down to see Jacob wearing a very large fake cast covering his ass.

Senn: Eh, it could be worse.

And as Senn walks out to make his entrance to the ring we--

BLACK OUT
CLOSING CREDITS

The song, “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the closing sequence.

END OF EPISODE 3

***
#AssCast