I’ve tried writing this all day but it’s probably never going to come out the way I hope. Last Wednesday someone in my family passed away. Not a relative but someone I saw every day, talked to every day. I’ve never had such an empty feeling before and hope I never do again. Last year I dealt with some personal issues regarding someone suffering from depression and throughout this year It’s been a problem almost monthly. Not knowing how that person is feeling, never feeling okay when they’re not around, sleepless night after sleepless night. Since I’ve done nothing but sleep, eat and when I found some sort of motivation I did the one thing I've always done to avoid dealing with problems, play video games; anything to distract me from the reality of the situation. Health concerns and the fear that all my efforts at Uni this year were for nothing didn’t help. The last couple of days I’ve spent hours talking to friends and they’re encouraging me to get back to a normal life. To grieve but to get back some sense of normality

EAW is part of that. To say this place didn’t hit me hard is an understatement. To not just let down a good bloke who I reassured him just a week earlier to trust me, but potentially letting down everyone here. And it didn’t end with House of Glass. The month after Territorial Invasion was a fucking mess. Whether I was right or wrong, whether it was a mistake by me or someone else, whether it was warranted or not, I couldn’t avoid making a fool of myself to someone or just be involved in a fucking mess. I lost a lot of motivation but it was because I felt embarrassed to even show up in the chat. I love this place but I’ve been paranoid about the perception people might have of me. I want people to know that I didn’t bail because I wanted to, that I was looking for a way out, a reason to leave but leaving was the last thing I wanted to do.

Ideally, I wouldn’t have told anyone and I would have simply disappeared but I couldn’t. Writing to DDD and letting him, just someone know what was going on was incredibly tough. Beforehand, I hadn’t told many people about the situation at home. I didn’t want to simply disappear. I hate drama, I despise it and generally don’t like attention; I didn’t want to make that message public and wanted to avoid the fuss that would have came from it. Apologising to Jacob privately was a step towards me feeling like I can move on and be active again; at least in the chat. After everything that has happened, I fear being an outcast and I hope this clears any concerns.

I’m not sure if this is a return or anything; I still feel I’m in a dark place but getting closer and closer to a normal life is helping. One moment I might feel ready to move on, the next I just want to forget about everything and everyone but I hope with counseling in the coming weeks those moments of wanting to lock myself away become fewer and fewer. EAW is part of that and even if I just do what I did without hassle for so long, just design and promo without giving a fuck about what I want and wanting to control my own direction. When I do, I want it to be a reset. This entire fucking year has been one problem after another; inconsistency, always having a sense of bitterness, wanting to do things “my way”. From everything with Voltage after TI to until I left. I let so many people down and I feel like I fucking made a fool of myself.

I also learnt that this exists which cheered me up a bit. https://www.amazon.com/Get-Sea-Apoplectic-Guide-Modern/dp/0718183819

*BIG HUG* We're all family here man and understand that life is not perfect. Whenever you feel like you have time to come back full-time you will always be welcomed with open arms. Also, you can always open up to us if shit's getting to you!

I've been there before man, the situation will get better. Take your time and I wish you nothing but the best.

I'm sorry to hear that. Take your time all you need mate.

Take your time brother. Remember that we are a family, man.

Nah for real tho holmes hope all yo shit gets worked out. Yall def aint no outcast up in this shit

Best of luck getting back in the groove.

Bad things happen all the time. It's just a part of life. Trust me, it will get better from here

Thanks for writing this Jamie, I really appreciate you sending me that message last week to let me know. It's something I always ask for and I know it was hard but you really showed a lot of responsibility by doing so. Ease back into things at your own pace, we're all here for you.

Hey Man,

I am sorry for your loss. Everyone handles their grief differently. I had my daughter( not biologically but raised her as my own her three years) taken out of my life because her mom decided heroin was more fun than life. Now I can't see her or talk to her. I cry everyday. That is why I pour myself into the E-fed. It is a distraction to keep my mind off the pain. I am new here, but anyone who wants to find out, will find out I am actually nothing like my character. I am here to have fun like anyone else. So hopefully you will find something to distract yourself from the pain.

I don't know you, but I wish you the best and hope you can find a way to cope.

Hope things work out for you man... name of this post is an Apology? In that situation there is no need to be sorry... things will get easier for you man just hope you get yourself back on track like HoffNostalgia said everybody handles things differently and hopefully you find what you can to keep your mind at ease! I wish you the best man!

I'll dropkick you in the sea if you don't feel better. But jokes aside, I hope all is well and things start going smoother for you asap.

You're in our thoughts Jamie, glad to be hearing from you again. I hope that everything works out for you sooner rather than later, like most here would and should.

I'm sorry for your loss, first of all. 

Next, take whatever time you need to get yourself right. I want you at the end of the day to be happy and in full control of your life. 

Nothing but the best wishes for you and your family.

Hope all is well Jamie, take as much time as you need and can't wait to see you back here in the future!

Take all the time you need, my man.