using http://www.random.org/integers/, generate 1 random integer between 1 and 99999. If you get a number with less than 5 digits just add however many zeros to the front you need to make it 5 digits, i.e. 298 would become 00298, and so forth.
The year is 2035. You have been arrested by Interpol for using windows computer instead of the authorised apple computers and given a 10 year jail sentence. Escape is impossible. Your fellow inmates are sadists and rapists.
Last digit of your number determines your cell mate. Ranges from 9 the most protected/safe to 0 the least protected/safe. If you roll too low, you're probably going to get raped and tortured. Every. Single. Day.
9: Goku
8: Tifa Lockhart
7: Morgan Freeman
6: Hermione Granger
5: Walter White
4. Princess Leia
3. Anders Brevikh
2. Zooey Deschanel
1. Samwise Gamgee
0. Milhouse
Your second to last digit represents the weapon you smuggled in. Again, 9 is best, 0 is worst.
9. the Ring of Power
8. Blaster Rifle
7. Elder Wand
6. Desert Eagles
5. Shiv
4. Old school xbox controller
3. a Stick
2. Crucifix
1. Banana
0. Piece of paper.
Your third to last digit represents your bonus body condition.
9. Buff
8. Speed Boost
7. Swag
6. Super hearing
5. Harmonica skills
4. Aids
3. Asthma
2. Obese
1. Never lifted in your life (aka just plain weak)
0. My little pony tattoo
Your fourth to last digit represents your warden
9. Eric Cartman
8. Mr T
7. Ceiling Cat
6. Pedobear
5. Hipster Hitler
4. Bowser
3. Darth Vader
2. Ganondorf
1. Kim Jong Un
0. Sauron
Your fifth to last (i.e. first) determines your prison
9. Teletubby Jail
8. Gerudo Fortress
7. Cidhna Mine
6. the Goat Tower
5. Shinra HQ
4. Death camp of Tolerance
3. Alcatraz
2. Bowser's Castle
1. Deadman Wonderland
0. Auschwitz
Would you survive?