The following is a Sexual Panther Production and is not intended for all viewing audiences.
Advisory Notice: Dicks were out for Harambe during the making of this film.
Advisory Notice: Amaya Fax was not pleased about the release of this film.
Advisory Notice: We gonna release this film anyway no matter how many hurt feelings. #HurtFeelings The camera cuts to scenic shots of Paris as “Niggas in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West plays. Insecure men with small dicks are shown crying as they watch couples making out beneath the Eiffel Tower.
Sexual Panther Productions presents…
GUERRILLAS EN PARÍS
Starring…
Courtney Love as Failin’ DiLion…
Justin Bieber as “The Psychotic Frenchman” Toni Lionheart…
Caitlyn Jenner as Famnix Wintertran…
Hillary Clinton as Traita Hovah…
Marshall Mathers as Special Agent in Charge Director Lil Peena Braddams...
TLA as Bipolarion Deathheart, the badass mercenary leader of the covert tactical unit “Guerrillas en París…
And featuring special guest star…
Steroid Dawg as Harambe!!!
ACT I: TWO DAYS FROM RETIREMENT
The camera cuts to a suburban New York City elementary shool where Bipolarion Deathheart is seen dropping off his estranged kids at school in a soccer mom van as they say goodbye to Harambe. Deathheart turns to his wife in the passenger's seat as they make out.
Mrs. Deathheart: I know it’s hard… to give up the life of action you once had. But I promise you things will be different now. Your daughters are growing up so fast… and they miss you so much when you are overseas. I know that you are a fighter… a military man at heart… but I promise that this life as a cucked househusband will be worth it.
Bipolarion Deathheart: I don’t know man… I only know one thing… Killing. It’s all I’ve been raised on man. It’s eating the fuck away at me man! I think I changed my mind about quitting the force again!!! Oh my god I’m going right down there to tell the bosses I am sticking around!!
Mrs. Deathheart: Baby please… We have already talked about this… You are two days away from retirement… don’t throw this chance away! You have to make a decision and I hope that you choose to put us first…
Bipolarion fidgets in his seat as he looks back and forth from his loving wife to the gun being carried by an angry young white man entering the school wearing a trenchcoat.
Bipolarion Deathheart: I just don’t know man… I got so many problems! It’s like I can’t make a decision about who I am! I gotta get the gun back in my hands man…
Mrs: Deathheart: I got something you can get back in your hands baby!
Bipolarion Deattheart: Awww yeaaaa imma be grabbin’ that pussy somethin’ fierce. I mean when you are a retired special agent with a penchant for rule breaking and taking down secret international syndicates single handedly… they just let you do it. I mean just grab ‘em by the pussy amirite?
Mrs. Deathheart: You are so right baby. Now let’s go vote for Trump.
Mrs. Deathheart looks towards the camera as she unbuttons her shirt to reveal Trump 2016 written across her luscious titties. Suddenly gunshots can be heard from within the school.
Bipolarion Deathheart: Oh shit… What the hell was that?!?!? Our daughters are in there!!!
Bipolarion jumps out of the van as he starts to rush into the school.
Mrs. Deathheart: Not so fast baby… Our daughters are safe now… Safe from you that is!!
Bipolarion Deattheart: What the fuck is this?!?!?
Bipolarion turns around to see his wife holding a gun on him.
Mrs. Deathheart: See I was just in this for the money all along babe! That’s the only reason I ever even had kids with you! But now that you are retiring there is no more money and no more reason to ever fuck with you ever again!!!
Bipolarion Deathheart: Baby please… Is this because I kept changing our daughter’s names on their birth certificate?!?! I just couldn’t decide…
Mrs. Deathheart: Oh don’t worry babe. Our daughters are safe. Safe with a real man!! HAHAHAHA!!!
Mrs. Deathheart shoots her husband in the gut as he keels over onto the grass. Suddenly the young man wearing the trench coat steps out holding Bipolarion’s daughters hostage. He throws them hard on the ground as he laughs and whispers something in Bipolarion’s ear in a heavy French accent.
???: Nous serons heureux ensemble à Paris…
He then laughs psychotically as he takes shots at random students fleeing across the school lawn. As police sirens are heard the Psychotic Frenchman and Mrs. Deathheart escape in the soccer mom van. Harambe jumps out of the van as he licks Bipolarion’s bloody face as everything fades to black…
ACT II: ONE FINAL MISSION
???: He’s waking up… Good we have waited long enough…
The camera cuts into an unrealistically futuristic hospital room that is completely made of metal and much of the vital equipment that would be found in an actual hospital. Bipolarion Deathheart is shown waking up in a bed as his boss Special Agent in Charge Lil Peena Braddams is shown wearing an eyepath and a suit sitting across from him in a chair.
Lil Peena: About damn time you came around… We need you soldier…
Bipolarion: Uuuugh I thought we talked about this… I am retiring…
Lil Peena: Well considering you have retired nearly every other week since you joined the agency I really didn’t take that on good faith. Especially since you keep on joining up under different names.
Bipolarion: Shit… you knew about that?!?!?
Lil Peena: The whole damn agency knew nigga!
Bipolarion: Shit… this makes me want to quit again…
Lil Peena: There’s no time for that… We need you now more than ever. You see there is a massive threat to the peace and security of the United States of America and you are the only man for the job…
Bipolarion: Why me??
Lil Peena: You see the man who shot up your daughter’s school and kidnapped your wife and daughters is an international fugitive known only as “The Psychotic Frenchman”... We have done all the digging we can and learned he was originally known as Toni Lionheart but I am afraid this is all we could learn... It appears that he used to sell stained glass French flags from his mother’s basement until the business went under and she kicked him out. Since then he has been waging a one man war against men with families. He is desperate to steal their mother’s as he has lost his. In fact he is likely living with your wife right now in the basement of an unknown house. Unfortunately we have been unable to locate it…
Bipolarion: Dammit…
Lil Peena: That’s not all… It appears that your wife was not in fact who she said she was. Her name is actually Failin’ DiLion and she is an illegal French national who has likely been plotting this terrorist attack for years. I am sorry man but I tried to warn you… bitches just can’t be trusted…
Bipolarion: I can’t believe I was deceived like this…
Lil Peena: I too have felt the cold hard deceit of the pussy. Unfortunately you survived… many men have not. Bitches be cray yo! But now is our time to strike back… We will do it… and I want you to lead our finest guerrilla unit into Paris to rescue your family…
Bipolarion: I thought you didn’t know where they were…
Lil Peena: I have just received word they are in Paris so let’s leave it at that.
Bipolarion: I see. That must have been why he whispered to me that they would be happy together in Paris.
Lil Peena: Yes that is likely an explanation to a very obvious question so I’m glad you are finally catching up to speed. This is seriously taking forever.
A tranny wearing white chainmail and carrying a knight’s sword enters the room next to a woman who smiles shadily at the Special Agent in Charge.
Lil Peena: Agent Deathheart I would like to introduce you to your team. The finest and most trustworthy agents in the agency who will definitely never betray you. This is Famnix Wintertran and that hot piece of ass over there is Traita Hovah. She has sent me many nudes on the reg which I will share with you after this mission has completed.
Bipolarion: I’m afraid I can’t just do this for my country… but for the nudes… I guarantee you sir… we will bring this son of a bitch to justice!!!
Bipolarion shakes hands with the rest of the team as the camera fades to black.
ACT III: ENTER THE CLIQ
The camera cuts to the basement of a French home in Paris where Toni Lionheart is shown eating hot pockets as he chats with Failin’ DiLion. Traita Hovah and Famnix Wintertran sign in on Skype to attend the meeting.
Failin’ DiLion: I am so glad I don’t have to deal with my stupid husband anymore!
Traita Hovah: Ugh tell me about it girlfriend! I would never actually say this to their face of course but now that we are on Skype… Oh lawd do I feel free!
Famnix Wintertran: I could not agree more my loves! You are the victims here! Just ignore the haters… I will fight your battles for you… I’ll defend you to the death if need be!!
Failin’ DiLion: Thank you Wintertran. You are a true loyal man. A valiant knight for the whitest cause. We can trust you and I know you would never say anything mean about me.
Famnix Wintertran: Of course not… But as I have told you the United States government plans to bring you to justice. But do not worry… I will bash their heads in Negan style!
The Cliq continues to laugh until suddenly Harambe busts through the ceiling taking down Failin’ Dillion. Harambe notices Bipolarion Deathheart’s daughters being held in a cage as he tears the bars off and grabs them.
Failin’ Dillion: NO! HARAMBE HAS THOSE KIDS! SOMEONE DO SOMETHING!!!
Toni Lionheart grabs his AK-47 as he begins unloading the lead into Harambe. Harambe screams as blood splatters all over the basement. Harambe drops the daughters who have taken many bullets themselves as all of them fall to the floor in a bloody heap.
Toni Lionheart: Mon dieu s'il vous plaît pardonnez-moi…
Suddenly the elite death squad Guerrillas in Paris bust through the ceiling as well lighting up the room with their superior American weaponry protected by the 2nd Amendment.
Bipolarion Deathheart: FUCK YEAH! ‘MERICA!!!
Suddenly Bipolarion notices the carnage before him.
Bipolarion: OH GOD NO! PLEASE NO!!!
Bipolarion kicks his daughter’s corpses out of the way as he throws himself onto Harambe.
Bipolarion: NO HARAMBE! WHY! HOW COULD THEY DO THIS TO YOU! OH MY GOD I AM SO FUCKING SAD! PLEASE NO HARAMBE! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!!!
Bipolarion cries as Traita Hovah and Famnix Wintertran turn their weapons on him. He stands up and notices their betrayal.
Bipolarion: I suppose… I suppose I should have realized this.
Failin’ DiLion: Yeah it was pretty fucking obvious babe...
Bipolarion: YOU WON’T TAKE ME DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT! FOR HARAMBE!!!
Bipolarion begins shooting as he blows off Toni Lionheart’s head with a shotgun but Famnix Wintertran dives in front of Failin’ DiLion and Traita Hovah to take the fire all for himself and save them from the blast. He then falls into a bloody heap in the corner. Failin’ Dillion and Traita Hovah then cock their weapons as they light up Bipolarion with lead. Bipolarion begins to cough blood as he says his final words…
Bipolarion: I have decided… last minute… that this is not the end… I have decided to return…
Bipolarion then breathes his final breath as Failin and Traita leave the basement to the sound of police sirens as the camera fades to black and the credits roll.
© 2015 Sexual Panther Productions Inc.
SPECIAL POST CREDITS SCENE
The camera cuts to a graveyard where Special Agent in Charge Lil Peena Braddams is shown mourning the loss of his finest agent.
Lil Peena: He coulda’ been a contenda… He coulda been somebody… Too bad they never found his body...
???: Sir I am here to report for duty…
Lil Peena turns around with a smile on his face to see Bipolarion Deathheart standing before him.
Lil Peena: Ah Bipolarion… I knew you’d come!! We need you now more than ever… Your actions have brought up many feelings of… Nostalgia… in Paris. They are organizing.. I am afraid another Cliq may be forming Deathheart!
???: It’s not Deathheart anymore sir… I have decided… to change my name...
Lil Peena facepalms as the camera fades to black.
SEXUAL PANTHER PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS “GUERRILLAS EN PARÍS 2: GOIN’ GUERRILLAS” COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!
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