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“Roommates!”
EPISODE 1x01 | Figure Four

MAIN CAST
King Lannister as...King Lannister
Cerci as...Cerci
Devan Dubian as...Devan Dubian
Xavier Williams as...Xavier Williams
Jacob Senn as...Jacob Senn
Tarah Nova as...Tarah Nova
Cameron Ella Ava as...Cameron Ella Ava

GUEST CAST
Kanye West as...Resident #1
William Regal as...The Boss

***

COLD OPEN
INT. EAW OFFICE

We see “The Boss” seated in his office, currently browsing on his computer and on the phone. A blonde attractive receptionist is about to leave his office as he's staring at her walking.

Boss: [into phone] Yes...yes...I got those shares...

The Boss is still looking at her...

Boss: So how about my people call your people?

The Boss is still talking into his phone as he finally looks at her and gives her the nod. She nods and walks out.

Boss: Yeah that's perfectly finnnnnneeee...

She closes the door...

Boss: Yep. She's gone. Sorry about that, I have to talk formally when she's around...yep. Oh hell yeah her titties are good! And that ass...

And The Boss now begins to rest backwards in his office chair.

Boss: Her ass...I could...I could eat off of it. I really could. I mean I-

And suddenly LANNISTER and CERCI enter the office and The Boss is back to his normal state.

Boss: And yeah 50 shares will be perfectly fine. Thank you.

The Boss promptly hangs up the phone as Lannister and Cerci both sit down in front of him. Lannister is wearing a king's crown, and a massive purple fur cape whilst Cerci is seated wearing a queen's crown.

Boss: Lannister! Good to see you here!

Lannister: It's KING Lannister.

The Boss just laughes.

Boss: Haha. Good joke Lannister. But wrestling is different from real life. You know that right?

There's just silence..

Lannister: KING Lannister.

Boss: But surely y-

Lannister: KING LANNISTER.

Boss: Bu-

Then suddenly out of nowhere Lannister points to his diamond encrusted jewel crown on his head. We notice that the crown has the word “KING” draw on it very poorly with a black marker.

Boss: It...it says King on it...

Lannister: Hm.

Boss: That's...umm...that's great to see L-

Lannister and Cerci both raise their eyebrows at him.

Boss: I mean uhh...King Lannister. And to you too Empress Cerci!

Cerci: No.

Boss: Princess Cerci?

Cerci: No.

Boss: Mistress Cerci?

Cerci: No!

Suddenly Lannister coughes to clear up the situation before pointing at Cerci's crown. Her crown has the word “QUEEN” written on it in very crude black marker.

Boss: And her's says Queen on it. That's...ummm...wonderful.

Lannister: It was Queen Cerci's idea.

Boss: Great...that's just. Um. Anyway. You've won the King Of Elite tournament on congratulations on an amazing coronation ceremony. I mean look at you King Lannister! You look great!

Lannister: Thank you.

Lannister just nods whilst Cerci stares intently at him whilst The Boss is not sure what to make of the awkward silence.

Boss: Uh...you're welcome. Anyway EAW have put together a little gift for you King. It's also for your queen too.

Cerci: Oooh what is it?

Boss: Well we heard that your last place of residence is umm...non-existent.

[FLASHBACK]

SUBTITLE: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

We see a beautiful amazing extravagant beach house before we cut directly inside it. Inside we see Cerci sleeping on the couch before we hear the sound of a frying pan cooking, which wakes Cerci up.

Cerci: What the...

She wakes up and she sees Lannister cooking in the kitchen.

Cerci: Lannister...are you...cooking?

Lannister turns around with a frying pan full of bacon.

Lannister: I'm preparing a beautiful romantic breakfast for my beautiful Cerci including a lot of bacon, eggs, chicken, sausages, tomatoes, deep fried squid, sauerkraut and 29 types of wurst.

Cerci gets off the couch and walks into the kitchen.

Cerci: But you've never cooked before.

Lannister: Pfft. It's just cooking what can go wrong?

[BLACK SCREEN – SUBTITLE – 10 SECONDS LATER]

Lannister and Cerci are both outside as fire trucks are rushing from all directions. Cerci is pissed off staring at Lannister.

Cerci: What can go wrong?!

Lannister: Well...at least this bacon came out okay!

Lannister holds up a plate of bacon and tries to offer it to Cerci.

Lannister: Does Cerci want bacon...I know she does!

Cerci just death stares him.

[END FLASHBACK]

Back in the office as Cerci is mad at Lannister once again after remembering what took place.

Lannister: I just tried to be romantic I guess...

Cerci: We've been going from hotel room to hotel room for the past three weeks!
Lannister: That isn't true!...It's actually hotel room to my cousin Gerald's house then back to hotel room.

Boss: Alright anyway EAW wants to help you out by giving the two of you...a luxury apartment.

Cerci: Luxury?

Boss: Yep. A state of the art, modern 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, rumpus room filled apartment in Star Point, Washington, a beautiful stunning small city about 30 minutes north of Tacoma.

The Boss passes the two of them a flyer that reads “Star Point! Why you will if not love, and least like this city somewhat!” Lannister and Cerci both smile.

Lannister: When do we leave?

“Walk On” by U2 begins to play as The Boss smiles before he leans into the two of them.

Boss: You two leave...

Then the music suddenly stops.

Boss: In about 15 minutes or so we have to file some paperwork.

Both Lannister and Cerci nod as they grab their pens as “Walk On” continues once again.

CUT TO
SKYLINE – STAR POINT, WASHNGTON

We're treated to a magnificent display of hills, mountains and rivers as well as skyscrapers, traffic and people walking around.

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

Now the apartment complex is in full view and it's absolutely stunning, almost more like a hotel than an apartment. There is a large fountain in the front as a black Hummer H3 pulls up alongside the fountain with the licence plate on the car reading “LANNISTER” on it as both Lannister and Cerci hop out with nothing but smiles.

Cerci: The start of a new day.

Lannister: The start of a new day indeed.

CUT TO

Cerci and Lannister are now approaching a door.

Lannister: Door Number 16?

Cerci: That's the one.

Lannister walks up and opens up the door up with his key as they walk into the room smiling...before a face of shock as we see DEVAN DUBIAN at a table wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans whilst eating a bowl of chips

Dubian: Sup guys!

CUT TO
OPENING CREDITS

The song “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the opening credits.

END OPENING CREDITS

FADE IN
INT. LANNISTER, CERCI AND DUB'S APARTMENT

Whilst Dub is chilling and snacking on his bowl of chips, Lannister – quite angry – has his phone against his ear whilst Cerci is just pacing around.

INTERCUT BETWEEN LANNISTER AND “THE BOSS”

Boss: Hello?

Lannister: Boss! Hi! Hey! How are you!

Boss: Lan- King Lannister! What's wrong?

Lannister: What's wrong? Oh I can tell you what's wrong! There's I don't know...DEVAN DUBIAN staying at the same apartment that me and Cerci are supposed to own?

Boss: You didn't know that?

Lannister: What do you mean I didn't know that?

Boss: It was in the agreement?

[FLASHBACK]

Back in the office where Lannister and Cerci are signing papers.

Lannister: Our new apartment!

Signature!

Lannister: Our dream home!

Signature!

Lannister: Wonderful!

This time round this paper has a very small note in size 4 Times New Roman that reads “NOTE #34 – Devan Dubian will ALSO be an occupant of this apartment.”

Cerci: Shouldn't you be reading the whole thing?

Lannister: This is professional wrestling! No one will swerve us!

SIGNATURE!

[END FLASHBACK]

Lannister: Wow...that's a weird annotation...and also oddly specific.

Boss: Point is you've signed it...there's nothing else you can really do except run the next two years of the lease out.

Lannister: ...Fine. A king must be warm to their peasants.

Dubian: Prince!

Cerci turns around, confused at Dub.

Cerci: Wait what?

Dubian: Prince! I'm a prince!

Lannister stares at the phone then stares at Cerci and Dub.

Lannister: Well it could be worse, we could be roommates with Alex Anderson.

Lannister clicks the phone without saying goodbye before placing it on the table and walking up to Dub.

Lannister: So umm...Dub. This isn't the most ideal situation...

Dubian: (sarcastically) Oh really? Oh no I thought two people not wanting to share an apartment with someone is the best place to live!

Cerci: But at the same time you can understand that King Lannister and myself the Queen.

Dubian: And me the Prince!...Go on.

Cerci: We were promised that this would be a prize from EAW for Lannister winning the King Of Elite?

Dubian: A prize? That's what they told you?

Lannister: Yeah. Yeah they did.

Dubian: Well that's funny because what they told me was...well...this is the seventeenth apartment I bought in the past year, and I've been leasing out all the apartments I've owned to other elitists and vixens to stay in for free...so management told me about want happened to your LA home, and I thought I'd move to this new apartment here in Washington and invite you two to live here with me because well...out of everyone on the EAW roster you two are my favorite.

And then Lannister and Cerci realise what they've been doing is well...not the right thing to do. Cerci and Lannister walk up to Dubian.

Lannister: Hey Dub we're umm...s-. So. Sor.

Cerci: Honey what's wrong?

Lannister: I can't say the word. I don't think I've every said. Sor. Ry. Sor-. Sorr-. SORRRR. SORRRRRRRRRRY! Sorry! Finally got it there it is! Sorry! [suddenly sombre] We're really sorry.

Cerci: You're a good guy Dub.

Dubian: You really mean that?

Lannister: Yeah. We really do.

Dubian: Awww guys. [sarcastic] So much love and color and rainbows!

Lannister: Could you not be sarcastic for one second?

Dubian: Oh. Sorry.

Cerci: Group hug?

Suddenly Dubian and Lannister turn straight to Cerci.

Lannister: A what?

Dubian: What?

Cerci: Don't hate me, I've never tried one before.

Lannister: Uh...

Cerci walks up to the two of them and she extends her arms. Dub and Lannister look uneasy.

Lannister: I don't think this is a good idea.

Cerci: Hug.

Lannister: Seriously I mea-

Cerci: HUG!

And in fear both Dub and Lannister quickly hug as the three of them group hug. Cerci is smiling with her eyes closed whilst Dub and Lannister look very uncomfortable and awkward.

Cerci: Doesn't this feel right?

Lannister: Cerci...

Cerci: Yes...

Lannister: Your leg is fully against mine.

Cerci: And?

Cerci looks down and notices Lannister's-

Cerci: Oh god!

Cerci quickly jumps away as does Dub as Lannister quickly sits down and puts a cushion on his lap.

Dubian: So...we're all good?

Cerci smiles warmly.

Cerci: All good. And if we're going to make the best out of this situation let's get along.

Dub: Okay.

Lannister: Okay...

Cerci: Good. Now I'm going to make some bratwurst.

Lannister: Can I help?

Cerci: NO! YOU CAN NEVER COOK AGAIN!

Lannister: Aw...

Dub: Beer Lannister?

Lannister: Yes please.

Dubian and Lannister sit down to crack open some bottles whilst Cerci begins to prepare some food before...

“I...WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!!! AND PARTY EVERYDAY! I...WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!!! AND PARTY EVERYDAY!!!”

“Rock And Roll All Night” by Kiss begins to play VERY loudly from what sounds like to be below the apartment as Dub, Lannister and Cerci are shocked by the noise.

Cerci: What...

Lannister: That's my jam.

Dubian: Lannister calm down...

Lannister: MY JAM!

And Lannister is off to the races as he's running downstairs screaming and singing to himself. Cerci and Dub look at each other and sigh before they run off downstairs.

CUT TO
OUTSIDE APARTMENT 8

We now hear the Kiss song in full volume as Lannister excitedly arrives at the door.

Lannister: Oh man oh man oh man!

Lannister knocks on the door when suddenly the music stops.

???: Oh the fuck?

???: Nah it's all good, just pause the game man. I'll get the door.

The door flings open and standing right there is XAVIER WILLIAMS. Lannister's faces goes to shock and so does Xav's.

Lannister: Xav!?

Xavier: Lannister!?

Dubian and Cerci have now both catched up to that.

Dubian: Xavier?

Xavier: Cerci?

Cerci: Jacob?

And sure enough it's Jacob with a Guitar Hero controller around his neck running up to the front door.

Dubian: Jacob?

Jacob: Lannister?

Lannister: Lannister? I mean, Jacob?

The group just all stare at each other confused before...

Dubian: WAIT! You two still play Guitar Hero?

Xavier: Guitar Hero's cool! Don't diss it!

Senn: Yeah man! Got those retro gaming vibes!

Xavier: You're just jealous of how cool we are.

Senn: Yeah!

Xav and Jacob attempt to high five each other but miss. They try again but once again still miss. They eventually settle for a lame, awkward looking fist bump before their laughing and cheering kind of dies down.

Lannister: Why you are guys living in this apartment building?

Dubian: I own Apartment 8 too.

Lannister: Really? Good job. But still what happened to yours?

Xavier: Uhhh...

[FLASHBACK]

SUBTITLE: DETROIT, MICHIGAN

We see a fairly nice looking house as Xavier and Jacob are sitting on their couch playing some Playstation.

Xavier: Hey do you know what would be fun?

Senn: What?

CUT TO

Jacob and Xavier standing outside their house wearing builders gear on ready to go.

Xavier: Ready?

Senn: Ready!

Xavier pulls a large controller with a red button and smacks the button. Suddenly the house IMPLODES and is fully destroyed along with everything inside of it. There's a pause between the two just staring at what's happened to their home.

Xavier: Was that...actually worth it?

Pause...

Senn: Worth it.

Xavier: SO worth it.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Back to apartment 8 here as Xavier and Jacob are currently thinking amongst themselves before Senn goes...

Senn: Uhhh...fire in the house.

Xavier: Cooking. That sort of thing.

Upon Xavier saying cooking Lannister turns straight to Cerci.

Lannister: See! I'm not the only person who's caused a cooking fire!

Cerci just rolls her eyes as Lannister pulls out his phone again.

Dubian: Woah Lannister where are you going?

Lannister: …

Lannister has no response as he dials before making his way back up to the lift with Cerci quickly following in tow.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

CUT TO
INT. APARTMENT 16

Lannister is on his phone walking around waiting for someone to pick up whilst Cerci looks concerned at him and Dub...well Dub is just standing there.

Lannister: Yes. Hello? Hello! Okay listen here Boss man! This is unacceptable! This is a travesty! Yes...I guess I'm kind of okay that Dub is living here with me and Cerci. [To Dub] No offence Dub.

Dubian: (sarcastically) None taken!

Oblivious to Dub's sarcasm, Lannister returns to his phone.

Lannister: But now you're telling me that both Xavier Williams and Jacob Senn live in the same apartment complex we do? [pause] Wait what? [pause] What do you mean it was also in the contract?!

[FLASHBACK]

Back in the EAW Office as Lannister is signing more whilst Cerci is smiling.

Lannister: Yes! I love signing things!

Lannister however stops at looks at his pen.

Lannister: A pen is not a worthy writing instrument for a king! Get me a quill!

Boss: A quill Kin-?

Lannister: A QUILL!

The Boss sighs before behind him we see an emergency panel that reads “King Lannister's Emergency Quill Box”.

Boss: (to himself) I thought I'd never had to see this day...

The Boss smashes the glass panel before handing Lannister his quill and ink.

Lannister: YES! WONDERFUL! THE KING...AND THE KING'S QUILL! I'm naming you...FRITZ!

Lannister now GOES TO TOWN signing everything with his quill.

Lannister: QUILL!

And another...

Lannister: QUILL!

And finally...

Lannister: Get ready paper! You're about to meet the king's fucking quill!

And just as the quill goes down we see a CLOSE UP on the sheet of paper...and it reads “RULE #69: Xavier Williams and Jacob Senn are LIVING at this apartment complex as well.”

Lannister: ...QUILL!

[END FLASHBACK]

Lannister: I should...I should probably learn to read these things.

Lannister hangs up as Jacob and Xavier come up to the apartment.

Jacob: Hey man just wanted to see if you wer-WOAH! This is a nice apartment.

Jacob and Xavier walk in and are amazed at by how large the apartment is before Xav notices something a room...with whips and chains...

Xavier: Uhhh is that a...

Cerci races up and slams the door shut.

Cerci: Nope! Nothing!

Xavier: Okay...

Lannister is still seated there whilst Dub goes to cheer him up before...

Dubian: Oh sweet the chips I left from before!

Dubian happily goes back to his bowl of chips and continues snacking away on them.

Jacob: Now Lannister...I know this isn't the uhh...most ideal situation for ya' to deal with. But at the same time we're all living together so...we might as well make the most of this.

Lannister looks up, sighs deeply and just nods.

Lannister: Yeah...I guess you guys are right. Sor. SO. SORR-SorrEH.

The group just look at him weirdly again.

Lannister: SORRRRRRRY. SORRRRRY. Sorry! Still does not get any easier saying that.

The group all take it at face value and just sit down in the apartment with him.

Xavier: It's all good man, it wasn't ideal but got to make the most out of it right? Now how about we just have fun, enjoy the rest of the night and have a bit of pizza? I'll order some right now.

Xavier gets his phone out and dials the number for pizza.

Xavier: Hey can we get about six pepperoni pizzas?

Lannister: With no anchovies?

Xavier: With extra anchovies?

Lannister sighs as Cerci pats him on the shoulder before we hear...

“GUN SHOT! A WOMAN SCREAMING!”

Suddenly the whole group turn their head out before...

“BANG!” Gun shot goes off again and so does the scream!

Senn: Dang! What the hell was that!?

Cerci: Sounded like it came from the room across the hall...

The five of them look out towards the apartment across the hall as we--

CUT TO:
OUTSIDE APARTMENT 12

The group of five are cautiously and carefully standing near the door.

Xavier: Should we do something?

Dubian: (once again, sarcastically) Oh yeah! We should totally risk being shot! That sounds wonderful!

Lannister: Alright. If you guys are too scared, I'll do it.

Xavier: WOAH! WOAH! We're not scared Lannister! [pause] We're terrified.

Lannister rolls his eyes before he approaches the door but...

Senn: What's wrong?

Lannister: Nothing...nothing. Just...mental preparation. That sort of a thing.

Lannister breathes in...and out. He stands there and extends his hand to the doorknob.

Cerci: You gonna get it my King?

Lannister: Yeah, yeah...just...yeah I will.

Lannister reaches out and as he touches the door knob

“BANG! AND ANOTHER SCREAM!”

Lannister DIVES back as the others just stare at him.

Dubian: You're scared?

Lannister: There was a gunshot! Fuck that!

Xavier: Wait...where's Cerci.

The group turn around and see that Cerci suddenly has a sledgehammer in hand. She lets out a PRIMAL ROAR before she races towards the door and SMASHES THE FUCKING DOOR IN!

DOOR POV

We see inside of the apartment as the holes in the door becoming heavier and heavier as the screams get LOUDER and LOUDER when we hear a big DOUBLE SCREAM! The gunshots and the screams stop.

???: What the fuck is going on!?

???: Someone's smashing our door!

END DOOR POV

Cerci ends up KNOCKING the door down as the group just stare on in shock as standing there as we see both TARAH NOVA and CAMERON ELLA AVA.

Tarah: Did you just break our door!?

Senn: We heard screaming and gunshots!

Cameron: Yeah! We were watching The Hills Have Eyes 2! On our big brand new state of the art surround system!

Tarah: Woah, woah, woah! What are you guys doing here!

Xavier: We live in this building! What are you two doing here!

Cameron: We live here too!

Dubian: This is actually the third apartment in this building I own...

They all stare at him before realising he's right.

All: Ohhh...

Lannister: Still I mean ju-

Then suddenly Lannister just stops in his tracks as we cut to...

LANNISTER'S FANTASY

The song, “So Here We Are” by Bloc Party plays as in Lannister's head he just sees Tarah Nova walking over to him in slow motion whilst her hair is just blowing in the wind as she tosses it back before...

Tarah: Cameron!

END FANTASY | BACK TO REALITY

We see Tarah looking slightly pissed off at Cameron as her hair is still blowing to the side.

Cameron: What?

Tarah: If you want to try and shift the fan could you not hold it near my head?

Cameron: Oh. Sorry about that.

Cameron puts the fan directly back down as Lannister just looks in confusion, amazement and wonder all at exactly the same time.

Dubian: Lannister's going to have to complain again to management...

Lannister: Oh no it's fine...it's fine.

Cerci looks at Lannister...looking at Tarah whilst Tarah just looks confused.

Cameron: Well Cerci you broke our door so you're going to have pay for that.

Lannister: I'll pay for that, it's fine.

Senn: This is really really odd, you're not...going nuts.

And Cerci notices even more...

Lannister: No no I'm fine...I'm calm and I'm fine.

And now Cerci is just staring at Lannister looking down right suspicious whilst Lannister is not moving his head away from Tarah.

Lannister: I mean this is what I've been dealt and this is what we have to deal with. So I personally think the best course of action in a time like this...is to do what's breast.

And upon that remark the other six just stare at Lannister.

Lannister: Best! BEST! I mean do what's best!

Xavier: Nope man, you said breast.

Jacob: Yeah pretty sure you did.

Cameron: Yep, breast.

Dubian: Because you totally meant to say best! But you're staring at...

Tarah: Breast...

Dubian: Yeah.

Lannister: Best! Seriously I mean best!

Lannister turns to Cerci and she is now NOT amused.

Lannister: I meant breast! BEST! Damn it! I mean--

But it's too late Cerci – in no mood for this – storms directly across the corridor.

Lannister: Cerci! Cerci! My queen! My goddess! My savio-

Tarah: Just go.

Lannister quickly follows Cerci up and Dub meanwhile...

Dubian: Oh no! Forgot my chips! THEY'RE STILL HALF A BOWL LEFT! GUYS! WAIT!

And Dub is off to the races as RESIDENT #1 walks past.

Resident #1: Hey man good to se-

Dubian: CHIPS!

Dub shoves him away as he runs down the corridor leaving Xavier, Jacob, Tarah and Cameron on their own. Seeing their umm... “opportunity” I suppose, Xav and Jacob make their move.

Xavier: So uhhh...we're having a pizza party across the hall.

The two vixen's just look at Xavier unimpressed.

Cameron: Is that so?

Senn: Yeah. Pizza. Anchovies. Guitar Hero. Gonna be pretty awesome.

Tarah: Ah huh.

Xavier: I mean we already have six pizzas but adding you two girls to the mix we could make it...ten.

Xavier just smiles smugly whilst Senn raises his eyebrow at him before he begins to whisper.

Senn: Ten pizzas?

Xavier: Yeah so what?

Senn: That doesn't even make any sense.

Xavier: What do you mean?

Senn: If we already have six and we're adding two more to the party then we make it seven or eight...not ten.

Xavier: Oh...okay gotcha. [Back to Tarah and Cameron] So we already have six ladies...so let's make it...make it...let's make it...

Xavier leans back into Senn whilst Tarah and Cameron have their arms crossed, unimpressed.

Xavier: Uhh...what's the number again?

Senn: Seven.

Xavier turns back to Tarah and Cameron with a big smile on his face.

Xavier: Seven!

Tarah and Cameron just stare at the two before Tarah talks.

Tarah: Yeah...no how about next time? Just don't call it a “pizza party”.

Cameron: And don't mention Guitar Hero.

Tarah: We'll see you guys later.

And the two of them close the door as Xavier tries to desperately stop it before it closes...but fails.

Xavier: But wait! Come on! We have a three quarter full bottle of Mountain Dew! It should be a full bottle but I drank a quarter of it before because I was thirsty!

CUT TO
APARTMENT 16

Cerci just SLAMS through the door as Lannister tries to come in.

Lannister: My queen! Wait!

Cerci slams the door in his face.

Cerci: Go away!

Cerci storms more in the room and Lannister walks in after.

Lannister: Now my queen just let me explain.

CUT TO
ACROSS THE HALL | APARTMENT 12

Xavier and Jacob are STILL trying to get them to come.

Xavier: We can order Hawaiian! I know you like Hawaiian...or vegetarian...or beef and onion...anyway I know you like pizza!

Cerci: (from the other apartment) YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

Suddenly the door flings open and Tarah and Cameron are staring at the apartment down the hall in shock and confusement.

Cameron: Woah...

Tarah: Woah...

Senn: Woah...

Xavier: Woah...wasn't expecting the idea of different pizza flavors to change your mind but glad to see you two are interested now!

And Tarah and Cameron walk right past him as they lean into the door of Cerci, Lannister and Dub's apartment.

CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN
APARTMENT 16 AND OUTSIDE IT

Inside the apartment and Dub is still snacking on his bowl of chips whilst Lannister and Cerci are still going at it.

Lannister: But you're my queen! My true! My one and only! You know this!

Cerci: You looked at her in the same way you looked at me in Venice!

Lannister: That was different! The look I gave you in Italy was passion! Today's look was just...uhh...confusion.

Back outside...

The four of them are now leaning closely on the door as Tarah looks confused at Xavier.

Tarah: Confusion? What the hell does that mean?

Xavier: Maybe he's confused about what drink he wants at the pizza party!

The other three sigh before--

Back inside the apartment...

Cerci is pacing around the room intently as Lannister is trying his best to plead.

Lannister: My queen! Come on! Talk to me!

Cerci paces a little more before she sits on the couch, pissed.

Lannister: Cerci...please...

Cerci: Lannister...

Lannister looks a little hopeful.

Lannister: Yes Cerci.

Cerci: Do you think Tarah Nova's hot?

OUTSIDE AGAIN!

All four of them look shocked at each other before leaning into the door.

Xavier: Oh no.

Cameron: Oh no is right.

Senn: Say she's not hot man!

Xavier: Not hot!

Senn: Say you're way better!

Xavier: You're way better!

Senn: Say that you're way attractive than her!

Xavier: Way more attractive man!

Tarah: Thanks guys I'm only right here.

Cameron: Both of you shut up! Lannister...you probably can't hear me but PLEASE don't say anything stupid.

BACK INSIDE!

Dubian is now snacking on a large bag of popcorn whilst Cerci and Lannister are still going.

Lannister: Uhh...

Cerci: The question's not hard! Do you think she's hot?

Lannister: I...

Cerci: Yes?

OUTSIDE! AGAIN!

Cameron: Don't...

INSIDE...

Lannister: I think you two are of equal hotness.

THEN OUT!

All four of them have a collective groan as Cameron sighs to herself.

Cameron: I told you not to say anything stupid Lannister!

Lannister: We can hear the four of you outside you know!

Xavier: (in Asian accent) What are you talk about!? This just da imagination! I am da Chester Chan! International student from da China! And if you do da mess around I da..

Lannister opens the door as Tarah and Cameron are both facepalming, Senn is just shaking his head and Xavier's voice kind of drops off.

Xavier: (in Asian accent) Karate kick...da asshole...

Lannister: Just...all of you get in here.

AND INSIDE APARTMENT 16! (Last time this episode...promise)

The four walk in as Dub is nearly finished his food as the group of four take notice of the scene. Lannister not in the best position right now and Cerci not happy. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel begins to play as the group try to solve the situation.

Lannister: Alright...lay it on me.

Senn: Okay. What Lannister did was pretty stupid.

Lannister: Hey!

Senn: But Cerci think about it. This guy cares for you. This guy will always be there for you...he won't do anything to hurt you and he never will.

Cerci's expression doesn't change but we hear...

Cerci: ...I'm listening.

Xavier: I mean put it this way. This guy has been there for you since day one. He's there all the time for you and you know deep down that he's there for you...and that you're the only one for him...the only person he'll ever need.

Cerci gets up off her seat.

Cerci: ...Still listening.

Cameron: I mean yes...Lannister is an idiot.

Lannister: I'm right here!

Cameron: (ignoring) But well...he's your idiot.

Cerci: …

Cerci moves over to Lannister and wraps her hands around his neck.

Cerci: She's right...you might be an idiot...but you're my idiot.

The two have a warm embrace as the remaining five share a collective sigh of relief.

Lannister: You know I'll never hurt you...you know you're my one and only...you are my Queen.

The two smile at each other.

Tarah: And you don't have to worry about a thing Cerci. Me and Lannister? Pfft. Nothing between us. Ever.

Lannister: See? Nothing to worry about.

Tarah: I mean if the two of us were the last two people on earth and we had to have sex to reproduce then still then, I wouldn't even touch him.

Lannister: A little harsh but you see Cerci? Nothing to wor-

Tarah: I mean if I was threatened at gunpoint to hook up with him? I'd rather take the bullet to my head.

Lannister: Okay! We get it!

Tarah stops as the group of seven stop then all smile at each other.

Lannister: So...pizza? That was the plan?

Xavier: Actually I was talking to the pizza guy before but I never actually placed an order so we actually don't have any food on us.

Dubian: Really? Nothing? Nothing at all.

Xavier: Nope. No food.

Suddenly however, Lannister smiles to himself.

Lannister: Guys I have an idea.

Lannister moves over towards the kitchen before he's stopped once again.

Cerci: Honey stop! Do you think this is a good idea?

And the music builds it's climax at this point as he just smiles at the group, with the other six are smiling at him.

Lannister: Yeah. I think it is. I mean I've moved here with my wonderful queen to this new city...making five new great friends all along the way? Honestly, what could possibly and remotely go wrong?

Lannister smiles as he turns to the kitchen and begins cooking the meals up as we pan out of the apartment whilst the others are talking.

Xavier: So this is great right?

Cameron: Yeah, yeah it is. Wait...what's that smell?

Senn: Do you guys smell...burning?

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN
SUBTITLE: 10 SECONDS LATER

OUTSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX
The group of seven are standing outside the apartment complex all staring at Lannister unimpressed whilst Cerci has her arms crossed looking annoyed and we hear fire trucks and sirens in the background as firefighters are running in.

Cerci: You're never cooking again you know that?

Lannister: ...Yes...Yes I know.

CUT TO BLACK
CLOSING CREDITS

The song, “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the closing credits.

“Roommates!”
EPISODE 1x01 | Figure Four

MAIN CAST
King Lannister as...King Lannister
Cerci as...Cerci
Devan Dubian as...Devan Dubian
Xavier Williams as...Xavier Williams
Jacob Senn as...Jacob Senn
Tarah Nova as...Tarah Nova
Cameron Ella Ava as...Cameron Ella Ava

GUEST CAST
Kanye West as...Resident #1
William Regal as...The Boss

***

COLD OPEN
INT. EAW OFFICE

We see “The Boss” seated in his office, currently browsing on his computer and on the phone. A blonde attractive receptionist is about to leave his office as he's staring at her walking.

Boss: [into phone] Yes...yes...I got those shares...

The Boss is still looking at her...

Boss: So how about my people call your people?

The Boss is still talking into his phone as he finally looks at her and gives her the nod. She nods and walks out.

Boss: Yeah that's perfectly finnnnnneeee...

She closes the door...

Boss: Yep. She's gone. Sorry about that, I have to talk formally when she's around...yep. Oh hell yeah her titties are good! And that ass...

And The Boss now begins to rest backwards in his office chair.

Boss: Her ass...I could...I could eat off of it. I really could. I mean I-

And suddenly LANNISTER and CERCI enter the office and The Boss is back to his normal state.

Boss: And yeah 50 shares will be perfectly fine. Thank you.

The Boss promptly hangs up the phone as Lannister and Cerci both sit down in front of him. Lannister is wearing a king's crown, and a massive purple fur cape whilst Cerci is seated wearing a queen's crown.

Boss: Lannister! Good to see you here!

Lannister: It's KING Lannister.

The Boss just laughes.

Boss: Haha. Good joke Lannister. But wrestling is different from real life. You know that right?

There's just silence..

Lannister: KING Lannister.

Boss: But surely y-

Lannister: KING LANNISTER.

Boss: Bu-

Then suddenly out of nowhere Lannister points to his diamond encrusted jewel crown on his head. We notice that the crown has the word “KING” draw on it very poorly with a black marker.

Boss: It...it says King on it...

Lannister: Hm.

Boss: That's...umm...that's great to see L-

Lannister and Cerci both raise their eyebrows at him.

Boss: I mean uhh...King Lannister. And to you too Empress Cerci!

Cerci: No.

Boss: Princess Cerci?

Cerci: No.

Boss: Mistress Cerci?

Cerci: No!

Suddenly Lannister coughes to clear up the situation before pointing at Cerci's crown. Her crown has the word “QUEEN” written on it in very crude black marker.

Boss: And her's says Queen on it. That's...ummm...wonderful.

Lannister: It was Queen Cerci's idea.

Boss: Great...that's just. Um. Anyway. You've won the King Of Elite tournament on congratulations on an amazing coronation ceremony. I mean look at you King Lannister! You look great!

Lannister: Thank you.

Lannister just nods whilst Cerci stares intently at him whilst The Boss is not sure what to make of the awkward silence.

Boss: Uh...you're welcome. Anyway EAW have put together a little gift for you King. It's also for your queen too.

Cerci: Oooh what is it?

Boss: Well we heard that your last place of residence is umm...non-existent.

[FLASHBACK]

SUBTITLE: LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA

We see a beautiful amazing extravagant beach house before we cut directly inside it. Inside we see Cerci sleeping on the couch before we hear the sound of a frying pan cooking, which wakes Cerci up.

Cerci: What the...

She wakes up and she sees Lannister cooking in the kitchen.

Cerci: Lannister...are you...cooking?

Lannister turns around with a frying pan full of bacon.

Lannister: I'm preparing a beautiful romantic breakfast for my beautiful Cerci including a lot of bacon, eggs, chicken, sausages, tomatoes, deep fried squid, sauerkraut and 29 types of wurst.

Cerci gets off the couch and walks into the kitchen.

Cerci: But you've never cooked before.

Lannister: Pfft. It's just cooking what can go wrong?

[BLACK SCREEN – SUBTITLE – 10 SECONDS LATER]

Lannister and Cerci are both outside as fire trucks are rushing from all directions. Cerci is pissed off staring at Lannister.

Cerci: What can go wrong?!

Lannister: Well...at least this bacon came out okay!

Lannister holds up a plate of bacon and tries to offer it to Cerci.

Lannister: Does Cerci want bacon...I know she does!

Cerci just death stares him.

[END FLASHBACK]

Back in the office as Cerci is mad at Lannister once again after remembering what took place.

Lannister: I just tried to be romantic I guess...

Cerci: We've been going from hotel room to hotel room for the past three weeks!
Lannister: That isn't true!...It's actually hotel room to my cousin Gerald's house then back to hotel room.

Boss: Alright anyway EAW wants to help you out by giving the two of you...a luxury apartment.

Cerci: Luxury?

Boss: Yep. A state of the art, modern 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, rumpus room filled apartment in Star Point, Washington, a beautiful stunning small city about 30 minutes north of Tacoma.

The Boss passes the two of them a flyer that reads “Star Point! Why you will if not love, and least like this city somewhat!” Lannister and Cerci both smile.

Lannister: When do we leave?

“Walk On” by U2 begins to play as The Boss smiles before he leans into the two of them.

Boss: You two leave...

Then the music suddenly stops.

Boss: In about 15 minutes or so we have to file some paperwork.

Both Lannister and Cerci nod as they grab their pens as “Walk On” continues once again.

CUT TO
SKYLINE – STAR POINT, WASHNGTON

We're treated to a magnificent display of hills, mountains and rivers as well as skyscrapers, traffic and people walking around.

EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX – DAY

Now the apartment complex is in full view and it's absolutely stunning, almost more like a hotel than an apartment. There is a large fountain in the front as a black Hummer H3 pulls up alongside the fountain with the licence plate on the car reading “LANNISTER” on it as both Lannister and Cerci hop out with nothing but smiles.

Cerci: The start of a new day.

Lannister: The start of a new day indeed.

CUT TO

Cerci and Lannister are now approaching a door.

Lannister: Door Number 16?

Cerci: That's the one.

Lannister walks up and opens up the door up with his key as they walk into the room smiling...before a face of shock as we see DEVAN DUBIAN at a table wearing a shirt and a pair of jeans whilst eating a bowl of chips

Dubian: Sup guys!

CUT TO
OPENING CREDITS

The song “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the opening credits.

END OPENING CREDITS

FADE IN
INT. LANNISTER, CERCI AND DUB'S APARTMENT

Whilst Dub is chilling and snacking on his bowl of chips, Lannister – quite angry – has his phone against his ear whilst Cerci is just pacing around.

INTERCUT BETWEEN LANNISTER AND “THE BOSS”

Boss: Hello?

Lannister: Boss! Hi! Hey! How are you!

Boss: Lan- King Lannister! What's wrong?

Lannister: What's wrong? Oh I can tell you what's wrong! There's I don't know...DEVAN DUBIAN staying at the same apartment that me and Cerci are supposed to own?

Boss: You didn't know that?

Lannister: What do you mean I didn't know that?

Boss: It was in the agreement?

[FLASHBACK]

Back in the office where Lannister and Cerci are signing papers.

Lannister: Our new apartment!

Signature!

Lannister: Our dream home!

Signature!

Lannister: Wonderful!

This time round this paper has a very small note in size 4 Times New Roman that reads “NOTE #34 – Devan Dubian will ALSO be an occupant of this apartment.”

Cerci: Shouldn't you be reading the whole thing?

Lannister: This is professional wrestling! No one will swerve us!

SIGNATURE!

[END FLASHBACK]

Lannister: Wow...that's a weird annotation...and also oddly specific.

Boss: Point is you've signed it...there's nothing else you can really do except run the next two years of the lease out.

Lannister: ...Fine. A king must be warm to their peasants.

Dubian: Prince!

Cerci turns around, confused at Dub.

Cerci: Wait what?

Dubian: Prince! I'm a prince!

Lannister stares at the phone then stares at Cerci and Dub.

Lannister: Well it could be worse, we could be roommates with Alex Anderson.

Lannister clicks the phone without saying goodbye before placing it on the table and walking up to Dub.

Lannister: So umm...Dub. This isn't the most ideal situation...

Dubian: (sarcastically) Oh really? Oh no I thought two people not wanting to share an apartment with someone is the best place to live!

Cerci: But at the same time you can understand that King Lannister and myself the Queen.

Dubian: And me the Prince!...Go on.

Cerci: We were promised that this would be a prize from EAW for Lannister winning the King Of Elite?

Dubian: A prize? That's what they told you?

Lannister: Yeah. Yeah they did.

Dubian: Well that's funny because what they told me was...well...this is the seventeenth apartment I bought in the past year, and I've been leasing out all the apartments I've owned to other elitists and vixens to stay in for free...so management told me about want happened to your LA home, and I thought I'd move to this new apartment here in Washington and invite you two to live here with me because well...out of everyone on the EAW roster you two are my favorite.

And then Lannister and Cerci realise what they've been doing is well...not the right thing to do. Cerci and Lannister walk up to Dubian.

Lannister: Hey Dub we're umm...s-. So. Sor.

Cerci: Honey what's wrong?

Lannister: I can't say the word. I don't think I've every said. Sor. Ry. Sor-. Sorr-. SORRRR. SORRRRRRRRRRY! Sorry! Finally got it there it is! Sorry! [suddenly sombre] We're really sorry.

Cerci: You're a good guy Dub.

Dubian: You really mean that?

Lannister: Yeah. We really do.

Dubian: Awww guys. [sarcastic] So much love and color and rainbows!

Lannister: Could you not be sarcastic for one second?

Dubian: Oh. Sorry.

Cerci: Group hug?

Suddenly Dubian and Lannister turn straight to Cerci.

Lannister: A what?

Dubian: What?

Cerci: Don't hate me, I've never tried one before.

Lannister: Uh...

Cerci walks up to the two of them and she extends her arms. Dub and Lannister look uneasy.

Lannister: I don't think this is a good idea.

Cerci: Hug.

Lannister: Seriously I mea-

Cerci: HUG!

And in fear both Dub and Lannister quickly hug as the three of them group hug. Cerci is smiling with her eyes closed whilst Dub and Lannister look very uncomfortable and awkward.

Cerci: Doesn't this feel right?

Lannister: Cerci...

Cerci: Yes...

Lannister: Your leg is fully against mine.

Cerci: And?

Cerci looks down and notices Lannister's-

Cerci: Oh god!

Cerci quickly jumps away as does Dub as Lannister quickly sits down and puts a cushion on his lap.

Dubian: So...we're all good?

Cerci smiles warmly.

Cerci: All good. And if we're going to make the best out of this situation let's get along.

Dub: Okay.

Lannister: Okay...

Cerci: Good. Now I'm going to make some bratwurst.

Lannister: Can I help?

Cerci: NO! YOU CAN NEVER COOK AGAIN!

Lannister: Aw...

Dub: Beer Lannister?

Lannister: Yes please.

Dubian and Lannister sit down to crack open some bottles whilst Cerci begins to prepare some food before...

“I...WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!!! AND PARTY EVERYDAY! I...WANNA ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT!!! AND PARTY EVERYDAY!!!”

“Rock And Roll All Night” by Kiss begins to play VERY loudly from what sounds like to be below the apartment as Dub, Lannister and Cerci are shocked by the noise.

Cerci: What...

Lannister: That's my jam.

Dubian: Lannister calm down...

Lannister: MY JAM!

And Lannister is off to the races as he's running downstairs screaming and singing to himself. Cerci and Dub look at each other and sigh before they run off downstairs.

CUT TO
OUTSIDE APARTMENT 8

We now hear the Kiss song in full volume as Lannister excitedly arrives at the door.

Lannister: Oh man oh man oh man!

Lannister knocks on the door when suddenly the music stops.

???: Oh the fuck?

???: Nah it's all good, just pause the game man. I'll get the door.

The door flings open and standing right there is XAVIER WILLIAMS. Lannister's faces goes to shock and so does Xav's.

Lannister: Xav!?

Xavier: Lannister!?

Dubian and Cerci have now both catched up to that.

Dubian: Xavier?

Xavier: Cerci?

Cerci: Jacob?

And sure enough it's Jacob with a Guitar Hero controller around his neck running up to the front door.

Dubian: Jacob?

Jacob: Lannister?

Lannister: Lannister? I mean, Jacob?

The group just all stare at each other confused before...

Dubian: WAIT! You two still play Guitar Hero?

Xavier: Guitar Hero's cool! Don't diss it!

Senn: Yeah man! Got those retro gaming vibes!

Xavier: You're just jealous of how cool we are.

Senn: Yeah!

Xav and Jacob attempt to high five each other but miss. They try again but once again still miss. They eventually settle for a lame, awkward looking fist bump before their laughing and cheering kind of dies down.

Lannister: Why you are guys living in this apartment building?

Dubian: I own Apartment 8 too.

Lannister: Really? Good job. But still what happened to yours?

Xavier: Uhhh...

[FLASHBACK]

SUBTITLE: DETROIT, MICHIGAN

We see a fairly nice looking house as Xavier and Jacob are sitting on their couch playing some Playstation.

Xavier: Hey do you know what would be fun?

Senn: What?

CUT TO

Jacob and Xavier standing outside their house wearing builders gear on ready to go.

Xavier: Ready?

Senn: Ready!

Xavier pulls a large controller with a red button and smacks the button. Suddenly the house IMPLODES and is fully destroyed along with everything inside of it. There's a pause between the two just staring at what's happened to their home.

Xavier: Was that...actually worth it?

Pause...

Senn: Worth it.

Xavier: SO worth it.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Back to apartment 8 here as Xavier and Jacob are currently thinking amongst themselves before Senn goes...

Senn: Uhhh...fire in the house.

Xavier: Cooking. That sort of thing.

Upon Xavier saying cooking Lannister turns straight to Cerci.

Lannister: See! I'm not the only person who's caused a cooking fire!

Cerci just rolls her eyes as Lannister pulls out his phone again.

Dubian: Woah Lannister where are you going?

Lannister: …

Lannister has no response as he dials before making his way back up to the lift with Cerci quickly following in tow.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

CUT TO
INT. APARTMENT 16

Lannister is on his phone walking around waiting for someone to pick up whilst Cerci looks concerned at him and Dub...well Dub is just standing there.

Lannister: Yes. Hello? Hello! Okay listen here Boss man! This is unacceptable! This is a travesty! Yes...I guess I'm kind of okay that Dub is living here with me and Cerci. [To Dub] No offence Dub.

Dubian: (sarcastically) None taken!

Oblivious to Dub's sarcasm, Lannister returns to his phone.

Lannister: But now you're telling me that both Xavier Williams and Jacob Senn live in the same apartment complex we do? [pause] Wait what? [pause] What do you mean it was also in the contract?!

[FLASHBACK]

Back in the EAW Office as Lannister is signing more whilst Cerci is smiling.

Lannister: Yes! I love signing things!

Lannister however stops at looks at his pen.

Lannister: A pen is not a worthy writing instrument for a king! Get me a quill!

Boss: A quill Kin-?

Lannister: A QUILL!

The Boss sighs before behind him we see an emergency panel that reads “King Lannister's Emergency Quill Box”.

Boss: (to himself) I thought I'd never had to see this day...

The Boss smashes the glass panel before handing Lannister his quill and ink.

Lannister: YES! WONDERFUL! THE KING...AND THE KING'S QUILL! I'm naming you...FRITZ!

Lannister now GOES TO TOWN signing everything with his quill.

Lannister: QUILL!

And another...

Lannister: QUILL!

And finally...

Lannister: Get ready paper! You're about to meet the king's fucking quill!

And just as the quill goes down we see a CLOSE UP on the sheet of paper...and it reads “RULE #69: Xavier Williams and Jacob Senn are LIVING at this apartment complex as well.”

Lannister: ...QUILL!

[END FLASHBACK]

Lannister: I should...I should probably learn to read these things.

Lannister hangs up as Jacob and Xavier come up to the apartment.

Jacob: Hey man just wanted to see if you wer-WOAH! This is a nice apartment.

Jacob and Xavier walk in and are amazed at by how large the apartment is before Xav notices something a room...with whips and chains...

Xavier: Uhhh is that a...

Cerci races up and slams the door shut.

Cerci: Nope! Nothing!

Xavier: Okay...

Lannister is still seated there whilst Dub goes to cheer him up before...

Dubian: Oh sweet the chips I left from before!

Dubian happily goes back to his bowl of chips and continues snacking away on them.

Jacob: Now Lannister...I know this isn't the uhh...most ideal situation for ya' to deal with. But at the same time we're all living together so...we might as well make the most of this.

Lannister looks up, sighs deeply and just nods.

Lannister: Yeah...I guess you guys are right. Sor. SO. SORR-SorrEH.

The group just look at him weirdly again.

Lannister: SORRRRRRRY. SORRRRRY. Sorry! Still does not get any easier saying that.

The group all take it at face value and just sit down in the apartment with him.

Xavier: It's all good man, it wasn't ideal but got to make the most out of it right? Now how about we just have fun, enjoy the rest of the night and have a bit of pizza? I'll order some right now.

Xavier gets his phone out and dials the number for pizza.

Xavier: Hey can we get about six pepperoni pizzas?

Lannister: With no anchovies?

Xavier: With extra anchovies?

Lannister sighs as Cerci pats him on the shoulder before we hear...

“GUN SHOT! A WOMAN SCREAMING!”

Suddenly the whole group turn their head out before...

“BANG!” Gun shot goes off again and so does the scream!

Senn: Dang! What the hell was that!?

Cerci: Sounded like it came from the room across the hall...

The five of them look out towards the apartment across the hall as we--

CUT TO:
OUTSIDE APARTMENT 12

The group of five are cautiously and carefully standing near the door.

Xavier: Should we do something?

Dubian: (once again, sarcastically) Oh yeah! We should totally risk being shot! That sounds wonderful!

Lannister: Alright. If you guys are too scared, I'll do it.

Xavier: WOAH! WOAH! We're not scared Lannister! [pause] We're terrified.

Lannister rolls his eyes before he approaches the door but...

Senn: What's wrong?

Lannister: Nothing...nothing. Just...mental preparation. That sort of a thing.

Lannister breathes in...and out. He stands there and extends his hand to the doorknob.

Cerci: You gonna get it my King?

Lannister: Yeah, yeah...just...yeah I will.

Lannister reaches out and as he touches the door knob

“BANG! AND ANOTHER SCREAM!”

Lannister DIVES back as the others just stare at him.

Dubian: You're scared?

Lannister: There was a gunshot! Fuck that!

Xavier: Wait...where's Cerci.

The group turn around and see that Cerci suddenly has a sledgehammer in hand. She lets out a PRIMAL ROAR before she races towards the door and SMASHES THE FUCKING DOOR IN!

DOOR POV

We see inside of the apartment as the holes in the door becoming heavier and heavier as the screams get LOUDER and LOUDER when we hear a big DOUBLE SCREAM! The gunshots and the screams stop.

???: What the fuck is going on!?

???: Someone's smashing our door!

END DOOR POV

Cerci ends up KNOCKING the door down as the group just stare on in shock as standing there as we see both TARAH NOVA and CAMERON ELLA AVA.

Tarah: Did you just break our door!?

Senn: We heard screaming and gunshots!

Cameron: Yeah! We were watching The Hills Have Eyes 2! On our big brand new state of the art surround system!

Tarah: Woah, woah, woah! What are you guys doing here!

Xavier: We live in this building! What are you two doing here!

Cameron: We live here too!

Dubian: This is actually the third apartment in this building I own...

They all stare at him before realising he's right.

All: Ohhh...

Lannister: Still I mean ju-

Then suddenly Lannister just stops in his tracks as we cut to...

LANNISTER'S FANTASY

The song, “So Here We Are” by Bloc Party plays as in Lannister's head he just sees Tarah Nova walking over to him in slow motion whilst her hair is just blowing in the wind as she tosses it back before...

Tarah: Cameron!

END FANTASY | BACK TO REALITY

We see Tarah looking slightly pissed off at Cameron as her hair is still blowing to the side.

Cameron: What?

Tarah: If you want to try and shift the fan could you not hold it near my head?

Cameron: Oh. Sorry about that.

Cameron puts the fan directly back down as Lannister just looks in confusion, amazement and wonder all at exactly the same time.

Dubian: Lannister's going to have to complain again to management...

Lannister: Oh no it's fine...it's fine.

Cerci looks at Lannister...looking at Tarah whilst Tarah just looks confused.

Cameron: Well Cerci you broke our door so you're going to have pay for that.

Lannister: I'll pay for that, it's fine.

Senn: This is really really odd, you're not...going nuts.

And Cerci notices even more...

Lannister: No no I'm fine...I'm calm and I'm fine.

And now Cerci is just staring at Lannister looking down right suspicious whilst Lannister is not moving his head away from Tarah.

Lannister: I mean this is what I've been dealt and this is what we have to deal with. So I personally think the best course of action in a time like this...is to do what's breast.

And upon that remark the other six just stare at Lannister.

Lannister: Best! BEST! I mean do what's best!

Xavier: Nope man, you said breast.

Jacob: Yeah pretty sure you did.

Cameron: Yep, breast.

Dubian: Because you totally meant to say best! But you're staring at...

Tarah: Breast...

Dubian: Yeah.

Lannister: Best! Seriously I mean best!

Lannister turns to Cerci and she is now NOT amused.

Lannister: I meant breast! BEST! Damn it! I mean--

But it's too late Cerci – in no mood for this – storms directly across the corridor.

Lannister: Cerci! Cerci! My queen! My goddess! My savio-

Tarah: Just go.

Lannister quickly follows Cerci up and Dub meanwhile...

Dubian: Oh no! Forgot my chips! THEY'RE STILL HALF A BOWL LEFT! GUYS! WAIT!

And Dub is off to the races as RESIDENT #1 walks past.

Resident #1: Hey man good to se-

Dubian: CHIPS!

Dub shoves him away as he runs down the corridor leaving Xavier, Jacob, Tarah and Cameron on their own. Seeing their umm... “opportunity” I suppose, Xav and Jacob make their move.

Xavier: So uhhh...we're having a pizza party across the hall.

The two vixen's just look at Xavier unimpressed.

Cameron: Is that so?

Senn: Yeah. Pizza. Anchovies. Guitar Hero. Gonna be pretty awesome.

Tarah: Ah huh.

Xavier: I mean we already have six pizzas but adding you two girls to the mix we could make it...ten.

Xavier just smiles smugly whilst Senn raises his eyebrow at him before he begins to whisper.

Senn: Ten pizzas?

Xavier: Yeah so what?

Senn: That doesn't even make any sense.

Xavier: What do you mean?

Senn: If we already have six and we're adding two more to the party then we make it seven or eight...not ten.

Xavier: Oh...okay gotcha. [Back to Tarah and Cameron] So we already have six ladies...so let's make it...make it...let's make it...

Xavier leans back into Senn whilst Tarah and Cameron have their arms crossed, unimpressed.

Xavier: Uhh...what's the number again?

Senn: Seven.

Xavier turns back to Tarah and Cameron with a big smile on his face.

Xavier: Seven!

Tarah and Cameron just stare at the two before Tarah talks.

Tarah: Yeah...no how about next time? Just don't call it a “pizza party”.

Cameron: And don't mention Guitar Hero.

Tarah: We'll see you guys later.

And the two of them close the door as Xavier tries to desperately stop it before it closes...but fails.

Xavier: But wait! Come on! We have a three quarter full bottle of Mountain Dew! It should be a full bottle but I drank a quarter of it before because I was thirsty!

CUT TO
APARTMENT 16

Cerci just SLAMS through the door as Lannister tries to come in.

Lannister: My queen! Wait!

Cerci slams the door in his face.

Cerci: Go away!

Cerci storms more in the room and Lannister walks in after.

Lannister: Now my queen just let me explain.

CUT TO
ACROSS THE HALL | APARTMENT 12

Xavier and Jacob are STILL trying to get them to come.

Xavier: We can order Hawaiian! I know you like Hawaiian...or vegetarian...or beef and onion...anyway I know you like pizza!

Cerci: (from the other apartment) YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!

Suddenly the door flings open and Tarah and Cameron are staring at the apartment down the hall in shock and confusement.

Cameron: Woah...

Tarah: Woah...

Senn: Woah...

Xavier: Woah...wasn't expecting the idea of different pizza flavors to change your mind but glad to see you two are interested now!

And Tarah and Cameron walk right past him as they lean into the door of Cerci, Lannister and Dub's apartment.

CUT BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN
APARTMENT 16 AND OUTSIDE IT

Inside the apartment and Dub is still snacking on his bowl of chips whilst Lannister and Cerci are still going at it.

Lannister: But you're my queen! My true! My one and only! You know this!

Cerci: You looked at her in the same way you looked at me in Venice!

Lannister: That was different! The look I gave you in Italy was passion! Today's look was just...uhh...confusion.

Back outside...

The four of them are now leaning closely on the door as Tarah looks confused at Xavier.

Tarah: Confusion? What the hell does that mean?

Xavier: Maybe he's confused about what drink he wants at the pizza party!

The other three sigh before--

Back inside the apartment...

Cerci is pacing around the room intently as Lannister is trying his best to plead.

Lannister: My queen! Come on! Talk to me!

Cerci paces a little more before she sits on the couch, pissed.

Lannister: Cerci...please...

Cerci: Lannister...

Lannister looks a little hopeful.

Lannister: Yes Cerci.

Cerci: Do you think Tarah Nova's hot?

OUTSIDE AGAIN!

All four of them look shocked at each other before leaning into the door.

Xavier: Oh no.

Cameron: Oh no is right.

Senn: Say she's not hot man!

Xavier: Not hot!

Senn: Say you're way better!

Xavier: You're way better!

Senn: Say that you're way attractive than her!

Xavier: Way more attractive man!

Tarah: Thanks guys I'm only right here.

Cameron: Both of you shut up! Lannister...you probably can't hear me but PLEASE don't say anything stupid.

BACK INSIDE!

Dubian is now snacking on a large bag of popcorn whilst Cerci and Lannister are still going.

Lannister: Uhh...

Cerci: The question's not hard! Do you think she's hot?

Lannister: I...

Cerci: Yes?

OUTSIDE! AGAIN!

Cameron: Don't...

INSIDE...

Lannister: I think you two are of equal hotness.

THEN OUT!

All four of them have a collective groan as Cameron sighs to herself.

Cameron: I told you not to say anything stupid Lannister!

Lannister: We can hear the four of you outside you know!

Xavier: (in Asian accent) What are you talk about!? This just da imagination! I am da Chester Chan! International student from da China! And if you do da mess around I da..

Lannister opens the door as Tarah and Cameron are both facepalming, Senn is just shaking his head and Xavier's voice kind of drops off.

Xavier: (in Asian accent) Karate kick...da asshole...

Lannister: Just...all of you get in here.

AND INSIDE APARTMENT 16! (Last time this episode...promise)

The four walk in as Dub is nearly finished his food as the group of four take notice of the scene. Lannister not in the best position right now and Cerci not happy. “In Your Eyes” by Peter Gabriel begins to play as the group try to solve the situation.

Lannister: Alright...lay it on me.

Senn: Okay. What Lannister did was pretty stupid.

Lannister: Hey!

Senn: But Cerci think about it. This guy cares for you. This guy will always be there for you...he won't do anything to hurt you and he never will.

Cerci's expression doesn't change but we hear...

Cerci: ...I'm listening.

Xavier: I mean put it this way. This guy has been there for you since day one. He's there all the time for you and you know deep down that he's there for you...and that you're the only one for him...the only person he'll ever need.

Cerci gets up off her seat.

Cerci: ...Still listening.

Cameron: I mean yes...Lannister is an idiot.

Lannister: I'm right here!

Cameron: (ignoring) But well...he's your idiot.

Cerci: …

Cerci moves over to Lannister and wraps her hands around his neck.

Cerci: She's right...you might be an idiot...but you're my idiot.

The two have a warm embrace as the remaining five share a collective sigh of relief.

Lannister: You know I'll never hurt you...you know you're my one and only...you are my Queen.

The two smile at each other.

Tarah: And you don't have to worry about a thing Cerci. Me and Lannister? Pfft. Nothing between us. Ever.

Lannister: See? Nothing to worry about.

Tarah: I mean if the two of us were the last two people on earth and we had to have sex to reproduce then still then, I wouldn't even touch him.

Lannister: A little harsh but you see Cerci? Nothing to wor-

Tarah: I mean if I was threatened at gunpoint to hook up with him? I'd rather take the bullet to my head.

Lannister: Okay! We get it!

Tarah stops as the group of seven stop then all smile at each other.

Lannister: So...pizza? That was the plan?

Xavier: Actually I was talking to the pizza guy before but I never actually placed an order so we actually don't have any food on us.

Dubian: Really? Nothing? Nothing at all.

Xavier: Nope. No food.

Suddenly however, Lannister smiles to himself.

Lannister: Guys I have an idea.

Lannister moves over towards the kitchen before he's stopped once again.

Cerci: Honey stop! Do you think this is a good idea?

And the music builds it's climax at this point as he just smiles at the group, with the other six are smiling at him.

Lannister: Yeah. I think it is. I mean I've moved here with my wonderful queen to this new city...making five new great friends all along the way? Honestly, what could possibly and remotely go wrong?

Lannister smiles as he turns to the kitchen and begins cooking the meals up as we pan out of the apartment whilst the others are talking.

Xavier: So this is great right?

Cameron: Yeah, yeah it is. Wait...what's that smell?

Senn: Do you guys smell...burning?

CUT TO BLACK SCREEN
SUBTITLE: 10 SECONDS LATER

OUTSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX
The group of seven are standing outside the apartment complex all staring at Lannister unimpressed whilst Cerci has her arms crossed looking annoyed and we hear fire trucks and sirens in the background as firefighters are running in.

Cerci: You're never cooking again you know that?

Lannister: ...Yes...Yes I know.

CUT TO BLACK
CLOSING CREDITS

The song, “Big Lost” by Diplo plays during the closing credits.

***

And there is Episode 1 of Roommates + My 200th Post here! Episode 2 will be posted in a few days!