“Deluded?” Is that really the only word people know these days? Seriously, its like listening to a damn broken record over and over, only to realize that it’s a different vinyl or CD each time, and playing the same generic song. If I had a number upgrade for each time, I’d be number 10 now, and you want to know a fun fact. 8 times the word “deluded” has been said, it’s all by one man. Lars Grier. Wow. Ok, Mr. limited vocabulary. I get it now. I get what you think about me. Now please, don’t spitting all over the camera. We hear you loud and clear, but word of advice. Just try to change it up, because for a moment, I almost dozed off, and all that extra padding of repetition and empty threats doesn’t do anything for me. Because you see, I had to tell you what you had to say. And that one line was all that really matters, and it really is that easy, but you had to get all defensive, because apparently, all that muscle can’t protect that fragile little ego of yours. Were you that one kid in dodge ball that was always picked last? Were you that little nerd that figured one day, you would bulk up so that no one would ever pick on you, yet you still don’t know how to deal with bullies? Well, that answer was right there, son. You find the guy and you throw the punch, and that’s just that, but here you are, arguing statistics and thinking, if not me, someone else will do the job. That’s nerd talk. You’re a nerd. A BIG FAT NERD! I should get you those huge glasses and named you the white jacked up Urkel. “DID I DO THAT?” And the sad thing is, no, you did not do that, son, because here you are, letting other people do the things and take the jobs that you should be doing? See, I have a concept as a mercenary, to take the job so that I can say I took the leap and have no regrets. Did I lose? Yeah, you can’t always wins, but once again, you are driven by the statistics of win or losses. I don’t keep track of my wins, like you do. I keep track of the jobs I’ve lost so I can return to them. And with that said, Finnigan Wakefield? Let me tell you how that went down, you history nerd, Kelly Hackensmidht and the referee screwed me over. I suppose you would rationally take down every screw job in your career as a loss, but go ahead, be a loser and just accept your numbers. I got better things to do than worry about you or the odds. I’m getting the better opponents. I’m getting the better challenges, and what do you have to compensate for that? A measly title shot that says I’m an up and coming rookie, and Lars, just face it, you’re just jealous that I’ve skipped that entire ordeal and managed to prove myself as bigger and better than what you are trying to prove right now. Either step up, or shut up.
And Finnigan Wakefield? Soften me up for TLA? Don’t be fuckin ridiculous. You might had been knocked down when it happened, but the way I recall that match, your buddy Kelly kept getting involved tripping me up and distracting me from finishing you off before you got that pin. You didn’t beat me unconscious or anything. You didn’t weaken me. You give yourself too much credit for what was obviously just the numbers game that got to me, but believe me, I’m not going to make that same mistake of ignoring Kelly while dealing with you. After all, you two come in pairs. A tag team that stays together deserves to go down together, and at the end of the day, you are still not that special to me. After all, what was Kelly’s motive for getting involved in our match? Either, A, he was still mad that I beat him for a number 1 contenders shot for the EAW Interwire title,  or B, he didn’t believe you could win on your own. Either way, he doesn’t believe you can do it, and had to step in to carry your sorry ass. But that isn’t the thing that pisses me off the most. No. It’s that name you call yourselves. “The Knights.” A title granted to the bravest and the most noble. After all, I am known as the Shiroyasha, the White Demon or White Knight as you may choose. But I am known as just that for being a proud warrior that fights for what he believes in, to protect what is sacred to him. And you know what? You guys are a fuckin disgrace to that title. Because after you beat me, in case you didn’t remember, I fired that referee for doing a incompetent job in that match. Your buddy Kelly pulled the middle rope and tripped me up, and the ref did nothing. He didn’t do jack shit when Kelly jump onto the ring to distract me, and he did  a fast count to give you the win. In a way, I think he was your friend, but guess what? He’s gone. Who knows what he’s doing now. And as happy as I am to protect the sanctity of this profession by making sure we have fair and just officials, you  so called “knights” did nothing to help the man out. You just went ahead, took that win, and continued to focus on the tag team title that you both still lost. And well, I hope that man losing his job in vein haunts you two, because it goes to prove how selfish, egotistical, you two are. Spout the nobility and chivalry you guys want to represent, continue to lie to others and yourselves, but you let a man drown and made no attempt to pull him out. You believe in Karma? Karma is a bitch. Believe me, I make a lot of enemies and they always want to see to it that I get what’s coming, but don’t think you two are so free from that crap. I won’t say you failed to beat the High Rollerz because of karma, but I will say that a man that can’t back up his own words and ideas is doomed to fall apart. Knights? Please. Thieves and Jesters are more like it, and guess which one of you two is the clown. I’ll give you the clue, it’s the one that has the “win” over me.
 

And would the love of god, Mark Michaels, would you please……SHUT…..THE ….HELLL…. UP?! For a guy whose only real accomplishment in his entire wrestling career is over the world wide web, which isn’t saying much, who are you to talk… well, anything. I mean, how do I even know this Mark Michaels is a real persona? After all, he is the type of guy that uses the god damn media to twist the truth. First he makes himself look like a winner, but when he’s a loser, where are the selfies and updates? Oh right, because no body cares about the sob story that is Mark Michaels. And here you are, playing the media again, talking about all the times I’ve failed, when you forget, I sent EAW hall of Famer, Kevin Devastation out of Dynasty. I am one of Hades the Hellraiser’s earliest influences that helped him gained the reputation he is today. Because you see, I can end careers, and I can jump start careers. Because at the end of it all, Mark Michaels, you only know how to promote yourself like the selfish lout that you are, but me, my job as a mercenary is simple. You think it’s all about seek and destroy. You think its all about being the guy that can put an end to everything, but you want to know why I’ve been chosen by Monroe for such high profile matches? Because at the end of it all, Moongoose McQueen was the right guy to see if Drake Jaeger was fit for the title, and look at that, if Moongoose didn’t take that title, Methuselah has to step up and challenge for it, WHY? Because there was no damn other rookie fit to earn that shot against Drake. And Xavier Williams? Who was making a return for a world title shot? Moongoose McQueen was chosen to main event to see if he was ready? Jamie O’Hara, returning from a brutal loss had to beat me to prove he was ready to take on Lucian Black at Reckless Wiring. Finnigan Wakefield, that was all just to see if the Knights had what it took to beat the High Rollerz, and no offense, they did not. And TLA, as I said, if I didn’t accept that match, TLA and I wouldn’t had a match to begin with, and thus here we are now, with TLA and I being the top prospect to win the whole damn Grand Rampage. I lost, but I did my job. My job was to size up my opponent to see if they had what it took  to be a champion. After all, HBB still had one more match with Dubian and his first match as champ was against me. Face it, Michaels, even when I lose, I know how to elevate. When someone beats your sorry ass, its just a hilarious viral video on the internet, but I know exactly what I’m doing as a mercenary. If I wanted to destroy my enemies, a typical wrestling match isn’t going to get the job done, and EAW hasn’t seen that side of me yet. But the fact is this. Moongoose McQueen has been the best damn thing to sign with EAW in decades, because he’s going to change the very landscape of this business. Friday Night Dynasty is the best damn show right now because he has managed to light a fire in everyone’s belly. TLA is as obnoxious as ever, a broken Jamie O’Hara is back from the dead, and even Lucas Johnson is angrier than ever? And what have you done, Mark Michaels? Mentioned …..wait, what show are you are? Are we on the same show? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. You’re a nobody that can only think for themselves, but I see something bigger and better for this company, and sadly, you will not be a part of it.

Aria, you’re perfect just the way you are.

I don’t wish for you or any of the other women to be those glorified flashes-in-the-pan. Yet, you give out that mentality that you are. Everything from your ring gear to the attitude you walk around backstage gives out the impression that you are a flash-in-the-pan. If you didn’t have the wonderful wrestling ability to back up your sassy and confident attitude, people would only see you as a flash-in-the-pan. With me, I don’t wish for any woman I face to be all look and sass. I thought our Division has evolved from that. Our Division has assured its people that we wouldn’t rely on just our appearance for success. In the best of my abilities, I have gone above and beyond people’s expectations. When men only saw a pretty face, I made sure that my “pretty face” was the last thing they saw when I knocked them into consciousness. I did not let my pretty face define or categorize me as something not worth watching. I let my skills define how people saw me in the wrestling ring. After I left the Vixens Division, the Division died. I completely moved on, not because I wanted too, but I had bigger priorities to deal with. I knew that I had to avenge my good friend and tag team partner, the Heart Break Boy and conquer the beast that was Jaywalker. Breaking out of the Vixens Division wasn’t something that was supposed to happen, it did on its own. Even by then, I had lost all hope that we would have the lovely womens roster we have today. What I’m trying to say is that I know what it feels to have a shitty roster. In what way does having a bunch of flash-in-the-pan women help our Division? In what way does having those types of women around benefit me? It doesn’t. When I have proven on multiple occasions that it doesn’t matter the woman I face, I always manage to get the victory. I always manage to continue impressing people with what I have to offer in the ring. It doesn’t matter if I’m in an Empire ring or a Showdown ring, people are always going to watch what’s next for me. The one thing you should know is that I never run away from a challenge. I never run away when the going gets tough. I wasn’t sent packing back to the Womens Division after Pain for Pride; I came back because I felt like with a new championship and crop of women, I still needed something to prove. I still needed to prove that I didn’t lose my touch. I thought by going back to my roots, it was the right direction for me to reach the glory I once had. With the Empire Cup, I am now three seconds away from reaching the mountaintop. I am three seconds away from calling myself the next Womens World Champion. Ever loss I have been through in the last year, the losses I have suffered from Sheridan Muller to Jamie O’Hara has all led me to this point. The moment I decide to cash in the Empire Cup and capture the gold most significant to all you women, everything I went through in the last year will mean nothing. As I envision that perfect opportunity to cash in, I am reminded of you and what I must do tomorrow. I need to take you out of the running. I need you out of the way so that my goal of becoming Womens Champion is not foiling because of a bitter sore loser. Every loss you suffered in the hands of me has made you angrier and angrier. It almost pisses you off that no matter how many times you pin me or make me tap out, I never stay down for long. You may have killed my spirit and will to compete last year, but you will never kill The Goddess that is Cameron Ella Ava. You cannot kill a Goddess. You think that you’re going to walk into Grand Rampage think that you have a shot at defeating me? You think that if you manage to defeat me that I’ll crawl into a dark hole hoping that I slowly die? No, that’s not going to happen. I’m not planning to lose this match. I’m not planning to lose my will to compete. I’m planning to make you experience what I have experienced in the last year. Lovely Aria Jaxon doesn’t know how it feels to have nothing to fight for. Aria has heart! Aria has the will to compete! Aria will never be broken! You say that now, but you won’t be saying that after our match tomorrow. You might not want to envision the moment where you’re sitting in the middle of the ring soaking in a loss. It might be too painful for you to experience. It might be too much to handle. God bless the EAW Network because you can look back and rewatch the ugly expression on your face after I wipe the floor with you. I know with me, I’ll be watching the footage over and over again. Besides Jamie and real Mexican food, the one thing that puts a smile at my face is watching you be upset. It’s such an evil thing to find enjoyment in other people’s misery, but I don’t give a damn.

What are you fighting for, Aria? Are you fighting for another chance to become Womens Champion? Are you fighting to prove to not only yourself, but anyone else that will listen to you that you are worth something on Empire? Are you fighting to prove to everyone that you can win a match that actually matters? For me, it’s quite simple—I’m fighting to clear my path so I can be Womens Champion. I don’t want to have any bullshit that could interfere with my perfect moment—the moment where I decide to cash in my beautiful Empire Cup. Most importantly, I don’t want to see your face on another match card. I don’t want to see the flamboyant pink hair staring right back at me. I don’t want to see that flashy smile that is brighter than the future of Azumi and Haruna’s marriage. It’s been about a year since we main evented Showdown. We’ve made history together, Aria. We have been through it all together. One year later and it seems like we aren’t quite finished with each other just yet. It seems like what occurs in the ring tomorrow night should settle our differences once and for all. That’s if you can learn not to be a sore loser and pinpoint all of your losses against me. No matter how I look at this match, I’m completely done with you. If things end up going your way, consider your path clear for the Womens Championship. Just a little warning: even if you think that you have the power to your future, you don’t. Do you know how does? This girl right here! You may not like to think that I have the cards to my future. Sure, I may not have all of them, but I have one important one which can determine my destiny. I think you should know which one is that. I could spend my last free day in Barcelona just thinking of the moments where you have dropped the ball on every opportunity given to you. My eyes can direct me to Vixens Cup or Road to Redemption Aria; however, I don’t want those Arias. I don’t even want Empress of Elite or Triple Threat Aria. I want the Grand Rampage version of Aria. I want this updated version of Aria. I want her to see her learn from all the mistakes she learned from her losses and utilize them in this match.  I know for a fact that we’re both going to fight with everything we have to offer. We’re going to fight until one of us cannot fight anymore. Aria, how long are you willing to fight for a chance to become Womens Championship? Even when your bones break, will you still be fighting? Will you still find that being Womens Champion means more than all the broken ribs in your body? To put me away, it’s going to take more than broken bone to take me out. You want me out? You’re going to have to pull something unbelievable. I know that I will.

Grand Rampage Promo 4: Overbooked And Out Of Luck

"I get the bravado"

The camera opens on the back of Pizza Boy's dinged up shaven head as he looks out at the tarmac from an airport lobby

"I get bragging about what you know, where you've been, and who you are.  I understand why everyone's so compelled to join into this pissing contest, some going as far as to question my humanity by wondering if I'm a sentient piece of bread with cheese and extra toppings.  I fully glean the gravity of our situation as competitors, but what no other competitor seems to understand is that this is a match tailored to my skill set."

PB's head follows as a plane zooms off of the runway and into the sky.

"All I do is push through big names to get to the top.  All I'm known for is hanging on until the end and capitalizing on the right moment.  I'm a survivor.  I'd serenade you with some classic Destiny's Child, but I think you understand the magnitude of what that means.  Your ability to suplex someone doesn't matter in a match like this.  Submissions are useless, high flying is a detriment, and try throwing a roundhouse when there are ten other guys crowding on a twenty-by-twenty swatch of canvas.  It's all about fists, headbutts, brutality, and tenacity.  I can throw a punch, and I've given out my fair share of Glasgow love taps in my day."

An intercom speaker crackles to life as a female voice announces rows L through Z for boarding.  PB lifts his ticket, sighs at the sight of the seat assignment of B-2, and lets his hand flop back down to his lap.

"I've worked my way out of worse situations than Grand Rampage.  I've been ambushed and got the W before.  I've been stuck in a chamber with five other lunatics, and even been thrown off of a cell before.  I look back at those moments and all I can ever remember hearing through the blood pooling in my ears was arenas chanting my name.  If you want to sincerely ask who I am, or ask if I'm some cheap parlor trick, or if I'm even worthy of this match, then I suggest you hitting up a Wikipedia page and seeing what I've accomplished.  I've been your champion EAW.  I've been this and other fine nation's champions on two different occasions.  I've beaten the best that EAW has ever produced and destroyed tyranny and terrorist cells that threatened the sanctity of this sport.  I've bled on every mat that you've wiped your ruddy boots on the apron of before stepping into the ring.  I've broken bones, pulled muscles, exploded capillaries, and had my eyes dotted and my t's crossed.  If you have a hero in this industry he sees me as the future.  If you've ever signed a fan's 8x10 then they probably just came from my table.  If you seriously have a problem with understanding why a ridiculous name like Pizza Boy isn't a joke in EAW, no not anymore, I advise you to look around and try and seek out HexaGun, or OMERTA, or question why there are some line hoppers that used to be in the back that aren't anymore, or why Ares Vendetta isn't champion.  The answer to all of your questions is me.  I've spent my career knocking back hordes and splitting my nails and knuckles.  I've scraped my way from the bottom, and I've been king of the mountain for one glorious moment, which is one moment longer than most in this match.  I'm the Cinderella story your parents told you before you went to bed at night.  I'm the guy that kids fight over who gets pretend to be them on the playground.  I'm every good aspiration you ever had coming into this business.  I'm every goal you set for yourself while you busted your hump in dojos or strip mall training seminars.  I'm the discipline and work ethic that you lost sight of once you saw your name in lights.  I'm the little guy that blew up.  I'm the nobody that everybody loves.  I'm your father, your brother, your grandfather, and your son.  I'm every man, woman, and child who risked their lives to make one for themselves.  I'm not only who you were supposed to be..."

PB turns to the camera.  He nods welcoming nod and flashes a welcoming smile.

"I'm who you were meant to be, and when push comes to shove in a Grand Rampage someone's bound to fall out of the ring and into obscurity.  As i said before: I'm very good at pushing."

The announcer pipes up as PB slides on a pair of tacky Domino's Pizza shades and gives the camera a knowing glance.  Before even hearing the polite announcer call rows A-K, PB's pulling his luggage toward the terminal and disappearing downthe tunnel.

Think of it, Man of Gin, 

for the fate that befalls you is only a mere number of hours from this time! As you hear these words, you are aware that in linear time form, you know the harrowing truth shall come into fruition! You know that the road you so willingly choose to go down is a path of destruction - ending at a grave destination, please believe it! Your arrival is imminent please believe it, your demise be'est forthcoming please believe it! And I sit, and I observe, perched on the rooftop terrace as a stone gargoyle observes the bustling city from above, and I observe you - pacing forth and back, your boots pitter pattering back and forth, holding what you hold most dear to your heart as close to your chest as possible, and you hath shown your weakness unto me such as a lecherous old rapscallion showeth himself unto the naughty school girls! In the midst of your jest with oriental medical practitioners and bulging tumors, I've become cognizant to what gives the Man of Gin such a putrid taste and repugnant redolence, and I can see what it is that has made Drake Jaeger tick! It is not his health, for he cares not for his health. Had Mr. Jaeger shown even slight regard for his own health, entering the battlefield with Methuselah would be the last foregone conclusion he would make.

Rather what is most important to the Man of Gin, are his material possessions.

The greatest thing you can take from the Man of Gin... is his man-hood.

And many men stake their manhood in their materials. Man of Gin stakes great self worth in the acquisitions and accolades, for it be'est the only tangible facet of his meaningless existence, and he will fight with his life to defend them! Sir Jaeger, you know not of the importance of power and influence, for concepts such as they rest sturdily above your head, and encapsulates, ultimately to enshroud you, such as the heavens enshroud the world below. You understand not the importance of power and influence, for you will never obtain power and influence in this Land of Elite, Extreme, Merchants, Beasts. Instead, you have decided you will rent a piece of my land and you will hold sovereignty over your corner of my world! However Man of Gin, you must understand that the Land of Elite is not very different from the outside world. In this outside world, you do not truly own a thing. All that exists is yours for the taking, and all that you own is also another man's spoils. You do not own the abode you reside in, you do not own the riches you so earn, you do not even own your body and mind. Those with power and influence may very well easily oust you out from your own abode and expel your name from your belongings, governments and kings hold more power in their hands than you may ever hope to, and the enforcers do not hold court in the town squares. Instead they carry out judgment, and executions! The judges do not hold court in the courtroom! They are pawns to the chessmaster. You have failed to realize, Man of Gin, that your life is a mere game of chess, and you as well as many others are merely pawns. Sebastian Monroe along with the powers that be on the realm of Dynasty, ultimately decided the fate of you and your run as Interwire Champion when Methuselah was inserted into the discussion. That is why you have protested my involvement ever since. You understand the impending doom you face, because you are nothing without your material objects. And I am aware you will fight without regard for life and limb to retain your belongings, but ultimately you will fail. For I am a force greater than your own resistance, and you have so vividly articulated what damage I have done to those who rest in your exact same position. It has indeed been quite a long track record, Man of Gin, and it does not end with you.

Ultimately, you are but a road bump in my journey. You have made your mark for a split second, but road bumps do not stop or even put a halt in any journey, you have simply become something of note. What I am, for you, is of far more salience, and you have genuine reason for worry and concern. I am the end of your reign of Interwire Champion, and there is not a thing you may do to reverse the process. There are forces in this life that we have no control over, the will of one man cannot reverse the direction the earth turns. You cannot intercept, or avoid the speeding bullet in your direction, you must merely brace for it, such as I must brace for even my own comeuppance. Even myself, a man who is God of this Land of Elite, Extreme, Merchants, Beasts, know there will soon come a force greater than I, and I know that forces name - "comeuppance"! That is my own personal demon, that is my personal Methuselah, I know fully well the unpardonable acts I hath committed in my illustrious life. I fully understand the level of pain and sorrow I have caused, and how many times I have betrayed even my own laurels in order to advance and further ascend. I fully intend to pay that back with interest someday, for I know I will regardless of intent. I may as well join the wake to my own funeral. But you needn't be concerned for my own personal matters from the past Man of Gin. I know this is a reflection of your generation, but nothing that you say of me absolves you of your own fate. In the ancient times, gladiators would carry out the task of being executioner, for gladiators were mere prisoners fighting for the right for survival. Perhaps in the end we are all gladiators, and perhaps my time should have come long ago, but there has yet to be another prisoner to the lifestyle of fame, success and fortune who have been battle ready enough to slay me. As the battle hardened gladiator with the blood of many men staining my shield and sword, I boldly assure thee that I have nothing to hide. I have been completely outright about my intentions, I have never had to spread falsehood to any of my witnesses for I make my intentions clear; and if my intentions change on a whim, I am forthright of so. Your personal disdain of me does not change where you are, and where I am destined to be. It just so happens that you sit Indian style in the middle of railroad tracks, and I so happen to be the speeding train a mere number of meters away from rendering you an unrecognizable, motionless husk. 

If you decide you still have regard for own well being, you have a slim chance to make a narrow escape. Once the bell tolls and my malevolent glare meets your gaze in person, there is no escape.



TEST ME NOT.

Grand Rampage promo (Mark Michaels) #2


@PicPerfectMichaels has posted a video:


(The screen opens on a white background with the words "SHOUT-OUT" in orange letters.)


Announcer: "IS the Shout Out show, and now here is your host MARK MICHAELS!!!"


(Michaels steps into the shot from the right and takes his place in the center of the frame.)


Michaels: "Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the most must see, world wide trending talk show across all of Social Media, welcome to the Shout Out show! Now this episode is dedicated to one of the biggest events on the EAW calendar, that's right we are gonna talk about this Saturday night in Barcelona, we have all the juiciest news about Grand Rampage! Now we all know that this is a stacked card, we all know that we got Roviper challenging the High Rollerz for the tag team titles. We know we have Drastik taking on the dark and sinister Eclipse Diemos for the EAW championship. Nico Borg going one on one with Lannister for the Answers World Championship. And that huge triple threat match for the World Heavyweight Championship between reigning champ Jacob Senn, Xavier Williams, and Jamie O'Hara. I could talk all day about these matches, but really we all know why we're gonna watch this Saturday night. We all know that the road to pain for Pride kick off proper with the Grand Rampage, and what a way to kick it off. This year has arguably the best collection of talent across every brand in EAW, and tonight we're gonna talk about the must watch superstars in this match. Well superstar because while everbody and their mama says their gonna win it all in Barcelona, we all know that there is only one man Who has dedicated his whole life to the sport of professional wrestling. One man who has worked harder and longer than the twenty nine knuckle headed nimrods who think for a second that they stand a snowflake's chance in hell of stopping me from having my hand raised high at Grand Rampage! But just incase your one of those head in the sand haters who will name drop one of the so called favorites in this match, than by all means allow me to snap you back to reality and let you know exactly why I'm the man who is gonna punch his ticket directly to the main event of Pain For Pride!


Let's start at the beginning with moonjuice McWhoGivesAFuck. Now for some reason this Guy who has failed with every opportunity he has ever been granted, he somehow thinks that he is gonna run the gauntlet, and go from number one to win it all. Why? Well your guess is as good as mine because that low rent loud hasn't had a lick of any real success since he's debuted here in EAW. He's ran his mouth about being a mercenary, he's yapped about how nobody could muster up two shits in regards to learning his name, he's spoken about laying out Hades, what he hasn't done is give us a single goddamn reason as to why anyone should count him as anything more than the first guy who's gonna land head over feet onto the concrete this Saturday.

Kinda the way Chris Elite will too. Chris, you've been a thorn in my side, and a pain in the ass for far too long. You talk about how you 'Let Shit Slide' with me before, I'll tell you right now that the only thing you let side is that mongoloid you call a bodyguard's dick up your asshole! You keep taking about how your god given greatness is what's gonna carry you to victory? Judging by your New Breed Title run that's a bold face lie if I've ever heard one. Come at me Chris, and I'll be more than happy to show you firsthand just how much of a box office bust you truly are.

Speaking of bust, I wonder just how Sheridan Muller is dealing with the fact that she is just days away from taking on the second most Men she's had at one time. I know she's all about German efficiency but damn Most German girls I know would call it a day after she's had ten guys. But in all seriousness, Sheri baby do yourself a favor and don't even bother showing up because if you do, you'll only serve as a set back the women's equality movement. But after Grand Rampage feel free to meet up with my In my hotel for my private victory party.

Oh that's right, the biggest bash of the won't be held in some run down whore house TLA, oh no not by a long shot. You wanna talk about how you have heat with the boss, how the man has been holding you down? Guess what, since the day I signed with Dynasty I've been held back because Sebastian Monroe knows for a fact that I am bigger than his brand, hell I'm bigger than EAW, and that the second I get my hands on that World Heavyweight Championship, he'll have to bend even further backwards to keep me on Dynasty. Monroe has done all that he could to stifle me, to stymie me, to keep me stuck with the bargain bin talent like you pal. But that all changes this Saturday night, and the moment the last one of you overrated, underdeveloped assholes go over the top, and both feet hit the floor. Because that will be the moment that all the Michaels envy suffering sons of bitches in both the board room and the locker room will have to peel back the blindfolds and recognize me as the very best that has ever blessed this business with his presence! So go on ahead with your half assed cheech and Chong schtick, it's fitting for you because after Grand Rampage your dreams of main eventing Pain For Pride go Up In Smoke.

Oh and El Ironico sucks too.


And so do the knights of yadda yadda yadda, fuck then too.


Now allow me a moment to discuss the Showdown roster as a whole. I'm not familiar with most of you, why would I care to be? None of you are on my level. None of You are anywhere near me in terms of technical prowess, athletic ability, and of course charisma. So let me just say that from Lars the jock jams jackass, to Rex 'I never shut the fuck up' McAlister, just know that in the Grand Rampage match, every last member of your shit brand is gonna get their ass handed to them courtesy of the future face of Elite Answers Wrestling. So try not to take it personally when I'm tossing you fuckers out quicker than a hiccup.

But to a more personal level let me ask something. Are we all officially sick and tired of hearing the Pizza Boy moan on and on about how hard he worked to become a world champion of washing dishes? Let me tell your minimum wage working ass something, just because you can lose a championship in thirty minutes or less, it doesn't mean somebody will toss a few dollar bills your way. You think you've earned anything in this industry? Your nothing more that another leach that heard he could make a quick buck. Well I'm telling you right now that there won't be anything quick about how I kick your ass so hard, that I send you back wiping tables and mopping floors. But look at the bright side, in a month you could work your way up to washing lettuce.

Oh and to the rambling asshole who's coming out last, don't think for a moment that there isn't a bullseye on your back, and everyone will be gunning for it. I mean why wouldn't they? You've driven them all nearly to madness with your long, drawn out, diarrhea of the mouth. I mean what starts with a single syllable, turns into a mountain of hot garbage that grows and grows. And the worst of it is that none of it is original. You called generic, like so many before you have. And just like I did to those fuckheads, I'm gonna beat the ever loving shit out of you from bell to bell. I cannot wait for that buzzer to go off, your music to hit, and for you to step into the ring to show you that you can Philosophize all you want, but there is no way in hell that anybody, especially some egghead bastard like you can ever be better than Perfect.

And that leaves just the D minus players of the bunch. Jesus Christ I cannot believe that so much mediocrity has been packed into one brand. You have a loudmouth jackass, and his upper crust man bitch, jerking each other off with every word they say. People with Class, you two boys better be prepared to be totally outclassed, because I am gonna torch both your asses in that ring. And since you two seem joined hip to hip, when your not joined mouth the crotch that is, I'll be happy to give both you a first class flight on the end of my boot right Over the top rope. And to show you how nice a guy I am, I'll let you hold hands as both of your asses hit the floor.

But hey let's not forget about the guy who's head is so big, mainly because of all the swelling of the brain from that concussion he got a few weeks back. But never the less Nathan Fiora obviously isn't thinking straight if he thinks he's gonna get past the unquestioned greatest professional athlete to ever lace up a pair of boots. The man who is gonna silence the Chicago noise. The man who's gonna beat his ass so bad, he's gonna look like he was in a car wreck. Too soon Nathan?

Oh and Nas, how low can You get? I mean taking Mister DeDeDe's sloppy seconds? And why? Because she's the only person idiotic enough to run some bullshit about how you might, kinda, somehow win the Grand Rampage. Shit if that's the future she's telling, then I think she might have a few smudges of shit on her crystal ball. But hey who can blame someone as simple and gullible as you for buying into her con. You have always failed to win the big one, and believe you me this year will be no exception. This year the Grand Rampage will mark the rise of EAW greatest superstar. It will mark the arrival of the EAW's hashtag hero. The man who is a twitter Trendsetter, an Instagram icon, and the Man whose combination of speed, strength and technique, have given him command over a legion of followers. The man who is brightest burning star that this company will ever know. And most importantly The man who will be main eventing the biggest Pain For Pride ever! This year the Grand Rampage match belongs to Mark Michaels, and like it or not all of you boys better start picturing that!"


(With that the girl fades out.)



44,000,000 users liked this


FADE TO BLACK.

(We start with the interviewer walking backstage with the trusty and reliable cameraman. He is trying to snapchat but he keeps forgetting it cuts off and also, nobody wants them. They start some awkward small talk.)

Cameraman Dan: Why did you ask me to film you again? 

Interviewer: Because I'm a star. Plus everybody keeps asking for more interviewer screen time. Well, I'm here to fulfill their dreams. It's what I do. 

Cameraman Dan: Haha…oh, you were serious? You are a very awkward fellow, interviewer. But what I don't get is why do you keep trying to talk to The High Rollerz? They clearly hate your guts? 

Interviewer: Um no, we are clearly three peas in a pod. The Dream Team! Look, they treat me really well, so I don't get what you're getting at. They even encouraged me to get a High Rollerz tattoo a few weeks ago. Got it on my lower back. 

Cameraman Dan: So a tramp stamp? 

Interviewer: What is that? 

Cameraman Dan: Oh never mind. 

(They both stop dead in their tracks. They come across David yelling and pointing at a wall outside of the R.A.D. Betting Agency.)

Interviewer: It looks like we've spotted a wild David Davidson in his natural habitat. Let's see if we can get a closer look. Don't want to startle him though. Shhhhh. 

David: IT’S ABOUT TIME YOU’VE SHOWED YOUR FACES AROUND HERE. WAS GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR YOU! 

Interviewer: Why is he yelling at a wall? This guy has lost his mind. Let's see if we can get a better gander yet. 

Cameraman Dan: Stop trying to make the word gander a thing. 

(They quietly walk closer to David and he doesn't notice them from the corner of his eye. That is until the interviewer steps on a stick and breaks it, causing a noise and David looks at them.)

Interviewer: Oh come on! Why would there be a stick back here?! I've been sabotaged! 

David: Look interviewer, I don't have time for your shenanigans. I'm talking to Brian and Robbie. 

(The interviewer looks at David and is obviously confused.)

Interviewer: Ummmm…you're taking to a wall……

(David responds with a mocking tone.)

David: Ummmm no, this is clearly RoViper. 

Interviewer: Trust me…it's a wall. I used to be a carpenter and stuff. 

David: But I don't see a difference. Then again, it has felt like I've been talking to a wall all week. Boom, roasted. So with that said, I think for the first time ever in your life, I think you're right, interviewer. RoooooVippperrrr, how art thou?! Just kidding I don't care. So like I see Robbie spoke first this time after Brian took the lead the other day and let's just say I agree with your decision. You do a better job as the attention getter. So yeah, it's been a nice little pattern you've got going. If you really want to throw a wrench in the works, Robbie will talk first later today. Would be a total mind blowing experience. Call me Sandra Bullock because I would be blindsided! But don't actually call me that. Would be weird. So I've prepared my rebuttal and I think I'm going to be a rebel right now so I can feel cool. Totally going to color outside the lines. Brian…yes Brian, I'm going to talk about you first even though it would make more sense for it to be Robbie…but nah, I'm going with my favorite Brian in all of EAW. Actually, I think you're the only Brian in EAW so that wouldn't be saying much. It's the thought that counts, right? Speaking of Brian, I see you didn't change your name like I requested, I am disappointed. Oh well. Wouldn't be the first time Brian Daniels has disappointed someone. You can choose the context there. Could go a lot of ways. Sooooo Brian, I see you're sticking to your guns by going with the same ol’ approach. It's a bold strategy Cotton, let's see if it pays off for ‘em. But to buckle down a bit, you have once again called us repetitive…which is repetitive in and of itself. Funny how that works. So just to get the record straight, we are repetitive and you are not? That word doesn't apply to you or your partner whatsoever? Hmm, I did the math and it doesn't add up…weird. But believe me, I know I have covered the same points from time to time this week. Guilty as charged. But what about you? You don't keep beating the same drum? Interesting. Not accurate, but interesting. Let me guess you talked about our lack of competition. Check. You guys talked about not wanting this match at first. Check. You call us Damien’s bitch boys. Well, I'm paraphrasing. Feel free to take it though. But check. You claim we are like every other newish wrestler that just exuberates with confidence. Check. You don't want these titles…although you have kind of flip flopped on this one. But still, check. What's the new topic you've brought to the table? Our past right? All of a sudden Brian Daniels wants to learn all about our first stint in this company. I'm honored that you've been doing your research on two guys you've labeled as meaningless. So humbled right now. And that logic of yours…woooo, it's something alright. So yes, once again you want to talk about previous events involving The High Rollerz. And once again I'm not going to shy away from this topic because I have nothing to hide. I'm an open book. Why didn't we dominate the tag team scene when we were on Dynasty Wrestling? Probably because we didn't stay long enough to do so. We still got our title match though…which consisted of like four other teams. I still haven't forgiven Mark Michaels for what he did, but that's a story for another day. So if you blinked, you would have missed us. And we were okay with it. We went back to focusing on the casino life in all parts of the world. We had a blast. We made enough money to last ten life times. But eventually we came to the realization that something was missing. We began to crave this profession, which at first surprised us. We developed a hunger to succeed, which was something we lacked the first time. Sure, we like to have fun. We've established this with our antics. It's all fun and games, that is until that bell rings. Then it's all business. So we can talk about our time on Dynasty as much as you like, Brian. It doesn't bother me one bit. But at a certain point, we should shift our focus towards what we are currently doing. Or at the very least, what we've accomplished on the blue brand. Since we made our Showdown debut, I wish we could say we paid our dues. Actually no, why would I wish that? We've been in the fast lane since the start. Fuck waiting for opportunities. 

It still amazes me that we made such an impact on Dynasty Wrestling in such a short period of time. Want an example? The first night we came back, we were obviously remembered because Rex pretty much hired us to send a message to his foe at the time, Ryan Marx. Yep, a philosopher with the last name Marx. Totally hasn't been done before. But I digress. Since being Showdown elitists, we have been undefeated as a team. You can try to downplay this fact because that's what you do best Brian. You can once again question the level of competition or you can say it's a small sample size. I don't care. We have beaten every team that has rolled down that conveyor belt with a purpose. And speaking of former competition…I didn't want to talk about it again, yet here we go. What if, Brian? Such a frequent and common question in not just EAW, but life in general. For instance, you called Matt Squared one of the weakest teams in recent memory. But what if Brian? What if they lost to HBG and Lannister in the finals and then we took their titles in a matter of weeks instead? Would you be impressed then? So what if? We can ponder this all day, but the fact is they won the tournament. We had no say in it. But we also didn't care who ended up winning because they would be transition champions regardless. Competition, competition, competition. We have beaten our competition in convincing fashion at every turn. What else do you want? More quality teams? By all means, we accept all challengers because we don't sweat anybody. Including two hall of famers. So let's play the what if game again. What if you beat us? Sorry, I can't say that with a straight face. But sure, I'll entertain the idea for a few seconds. You win the titles. Then what? Teams will magically appear? Will Dynamite Rain make a comeback? What about Team Burial? Or will Drake & Jones focus on the tag division again because RoViper is officially back? I don't see it. You can knock on doors and try to sell title opportunities but there will be no interest unless it's from an enemy of yours, like Ares or Jaywalker. You won't do shit. 

(David starts thinking and the interviewer puts a light bulb over his head.)

Oh I got it! I finally realize why you keep sticking with the same topics and arguments…it's because you don't really have anything on us. So you blame everything on our opponents sucking. “You guys can't be legit…at least I hope not!” While the both of you have shown you are capable of losing in big matches, in recent memory alone. But what about you guys? You haven't had a big match yet! I have a feeling we’ll be just fine. And you or Robbie, I forget who it was, said something like, but did you see our matches or did you just read the results online somewhere? Yeah, I watched. You put up a good fight against the likes of Lannister or in Robbie’s case, Jaywalker and Ares…but in the end you still lost. I mean sure, you can have your moral victories and say shit like “ha, they didn't end our careers though, what total losers!” If it helps you sleep at night, then by all means. Just like you chalking up our success as sheer luck. So petty and delusional you are. Do I dare dignify this with a response? Or will I show him why luck has had nothing to do with it? I'll be sure to shake my magic eight ball in a few hours and I'll let you know. But until then, if I haven't made it known by now, I'm a little annoyed. I should be used to the tiring RoViper routine, but I'm not. They find a way to one up themselves each and every day. It's quite remarkable in a way. As you can see, I try to be a glass half full kind of guy. But do you know what annoys me the most about you, Brian? It's actually not the words that come out of your mouth, but the ones you keep locked away. You filter and analyze everything I say. You talk about what you think we’re all about from afar. You put all of your attention and focus on us and I'm so appreciative. You are determined. You have your eye on the prize like a crafty veteran. But what about when I want to ask you some questions about yourself? You talk about our past, fine. You talk about us leaving this company, dandy. But when I take the dagger from your hand and put it across your throat and ask you about the times you left, you ignore it. Even after I egged you on by saying I knew you would ignore this question because I'm quickly finding out and understanding who you are as a human being. You have your little comfort zone that you stick to. You're a control freak. You wear this mask. Not like you used to as Viper, but now. You mask yourself. You see yourself as all noble. Ride in on that white stallion and stick it to the man. Underneath that mask? Is a hypocritical asshole, yet a frightened one at that. So please, answer the question above. Stop skipping it. You don't want us to be repetitive, yet when we bring in a fresh question, you act as if you never heard it. Perhaps you have selective hearing? Wouldn't surprise me. You're starting to get up there in age after all. And oh yeah, you also never answered what happened to RoViper back in the day.  Why it stopped being a thing and all that jazz. I genuinely want to get to know you before it's too late. And when I say too late, I mean this Saturday. So what's your favorite color, Brian? Don't say something like red because of blood. That would be cringeworthy. But there's your softball question to help you open up. Don’t worry, you'll open up in more ways than one. 

Then there is Robbie. Sorry, I'm getting sleepy. It has nothing to do with you or Brian. That's why I apologized because I'm a good human being. I need my thirteen hours of sleep, so I'll have to rush this. Gotta stick to that champion schedule. I mean you kind of echoed Brian’s words, so I don't think it's a big deal. Right off the bat, you talked about this mysterious wall of yours. I get it was a metaphor or some shit for EAW as a whole, but I tried picturing this wall with your names all over it. Is it a memorial wall, with fallen EAW stars’ names carved into it, like those walls with the names of those who died for our country in Washington DC? Or is this wall all middle schoolish where you took your key and scratched “Robbie V + Brian Daniels = Forever” in the bathroom stall? I feel like it's either two. Yeah, most definitely. Pathetic, boring, predictable.  Those are some of the words you associate with us. And in response, I have one question for you…are you hitting on me? Because I've been called way worse. C’mon, you can do better than that. Let me have it! Let me feel your wrath. Or not. That's fine too. I feel like you need a hug to be honest. You and Brian both. You guys are so uptight and have the personality of a wet paper bag. Loosen up. Realize what you have. Recognize how fortunate you are to be wrestling for a living. There's no reason to spend the rest of your lives like negative nancies whom judges every single person that walks by their lawn. I'll pull my pants down a tad to show my underwear just to piss you guys off. Not only that, but I'll start playing my music really loud and will bury my face in my cellphone. This really has turned into the grumpy old men versus the two young bucks with a bright future ahead of them. So damn bright. You should probably bring shades to this match for protection. Robbie, you think you have us all figured out. You think you know me better than Jack knows me? HUH? Let's put this theory to the test. What's my lucky number? What's my spirit animal? Who was my celebrity crush when I was 14? What's my favorite scene from the Notebook? Nothing. That's what I thought. You don't know anything about me. How could you? You don't know what I'm capable of. You don't know my true style of wrestling is or what my go to moves are because I haven't had the opportunity to showcase them because our matches don't exactly last very long. Yep, they don't last 30 minutes plus because we don't try to get cute. We are nothing special you said. And why do you believe that? What has given you that impression? Is it because what we say doesn't satisfy your ears? It isn't up to your liking? Judging a book by its cover. How dangerous and bold of you. I hope for your own sake and for whatever is rest of your career, it pays off. If you haven't noticed by now, we see this match from two completely different vantage points. This seems to be more about Murrow, than us. At least, that's the impression you give off. While to us? It's about these titles. We told Damien that first hand. We aren't doing this for him. We aren't doing this for the fans or our family or…or not even the children of Chile and Cameroon. We are doing this for ourselves because I'm sick and fucking tired of people sharing the same opinion as you. You don't want to believe the hype. You strip away our wins to the bone. You focus on our competition instead of us. Lioncross. Nobi. Matt Ryder. Matt Miles. Finnegan Wakefield. Kelly Hackenschmidt. It was never about them. It has always been about David Davidson and Jack Ripley. We are the wild cards in this match. The both of you have years of “game film.” Oh I know, being in the ring with you is a totally different animal, but I do believe we are ready for what you and Brian will bring. But what about us? What have you taken away from our matches other than complete dominance? But go ahead, Robbie. Share the same mindset as Brian. I don't blame you. But you will blame yourself. 

Beating you two validates us. That's why we want this match. You have said countless times you never asked for this. Neither did I. It wasn't even my idea, you're right. But I wish I did and I wish it was. I wish I knew that this match would be a possibility sooner because I would have requested it in a drop of a hat. I want to face off against you. And I want to put you out of your misery. It'll be a tall task, I'm well aware. I'm the one who signed up for this. I'm the one that wrote my John Hancock on the dotted line. I'll be the one putting my body and reputation on the line. Are we the real deal, or just your classic flash in the pan? The flavor of the month? The fools gold? Your partner made the comment that if we were to lose, we would have excuses ready on deck. But I won't. If you prove to be the better team on that particular day, then so be it. But…I know I've already said this, but when we win, you might not make excuses as to why you lost, but the fans that adore you will. They'll tell me that I beat an imposter Robbie V. If that was the Robbie from his prime, I would've been in big trouble. They'll also bring up how you were in a wheelchair not too long ago. They could go two ways with that. One, they could make me try to feel guilty for doing such a thing or they could say you were still trying to shake off your ring rust. They'll also bring up the seven years factor, like you continue to do. They haven't teamed in over seven years, give them some time! No, their time is officially up. Speaking of which, I hope you don't dodge this question like your partner continues to do, but why did you guys go your separate ways anyways? I'm curious. I'm not trying to work an angle here. I just know that most teams, if not all, turn on each other at some point. Is that what happened to you as well? I really don't know. But if that's what happened, then who is to say it won't happen again? I mean, I'm surprised you can trust anybody, after what your own flesh and blood did to you. You are a more trusting man than I'll ever be. I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing. After all, isn't your whole end game a match between you two? At least, that's what Brian keeps saying. Because I do recall saying he wanted you and only you while Ares was trying to get his attention. But yeah, there's nothing to worry about if this happened. Just a friendly contest between two friends, I'm sure. So there you have it. There's your response from your ordinary, boring, meaningless hotshot for the third time. I'm one big waste of time, right? I mean you did call me all of those names, so you must feel that way. Yet, I know I can count on you “wasting your time” once more by making a response video of your own about this meaningless individual. Makes you wonder why that is? Maybe you feel differently deep down? I guess never show your hand until it's over. I respect that. So with that said…

Thank you RoViper!!!

Don't mind me, just saying the first chant that'll break out after our match. 

You had a good run. Be proud. 

(The scene fades to black.)

(Chris Elite and Big Mike are shown in a disclosed area with a bunch of objects that most likely represent some of the participants in this match)
 
Chris Elite: Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.   Now if you are wondering what are all these things that me and Big Mike are surrounded by its objects that represent some of the Elitist in this match I know it’s a bit cliché but hey it can’t be more cliché than half of the other shit you forced yourself to watch or listen to this week.   Let’s not forget it’ll be far more entertaining as well.  First we have here… Big Mike pass me that crystal ball bro.
 
(Big Mike picks up the crystal ball of the table and passes it to Chris Elite)
 
Chris Elite: I’m sure you know who this is for.   The man of miracles, the so called best wrestler in the world.  This here is for Nasir Moore.  We could have used plenty of things for this man.  I mean we even had a name tag that read “Hey, my name is… I’m an idiot with a bunch of nick names that mean nothing and nowhere close to truth but I use them so I sound cool”.   Okay obviously we had to use more than one name tag but you know what I mean.   We could of even stayed outside all night and hope a shooting star came along to represent him well actually we could of used that on a lot of people considering there probably doing the same thing to wish themselves a victory.  Shit we could of grabbed some lame ass fortune teller from Las Vegas but instead we went with this.  (Chris Elite begins to shake a bit while smirking)  Holy shit Big Mike! I feel something, I see something and it’s about your near future!
 
Big Mike:  My lord, Christopher you must tell me now!  What is that you are looking at?!?
 
Chris Elite:  Okay, okay.   What I’m looking at is you finally settling down with a woman who will love you and take care of all of your children!
 
Big Mike:  Well… That’s not very believable…
 
Chris Elite: Exactly sort of like the thought of Nasir Moore winning Grand Rampage!  That’s not very believable either but he and that lady are doing anything to try to make us believe it.   Listen Nasir me and Big Mike are not as gullible as the idiots in the EAW Universe no matter what you say or do I won’t believe it.  The idea of you coming anywhere close to winning this is just unbelievably stupid.  I mean sure you’ll do good you’ll have a great run but that’s just it Nasir nothing more and maybe… Most likely something less. 
 
(Chris Elite then proceeds to drop the crystal ball as it shatters into a bunch of pieces)
 
Chris Elite: Okay next object well this isn’t exactly an object.
 
(Chris Elite walks up to a box of pizza he then opens the box revealing a large pie of stuff crust pizza Big Mike then presses some button a on a remote where you hear the joke drum tune)
 
Chris Elite:  Really Big Mike?  I said there is no times for jokes this weekend.  Though I don’t blame you I’d feel like a tool if I let the opportunity go by, let’s not forget the next person I’m about to speak on is just that a joke.   Hey Nobi do you honestly think you have a chance of winning this match?  I mean I know you didn’t have to ask to be in it you made that pretty clear to me.  Why are you in it though?  I mean this spot could have been used for Big Mike.  Hell even that thing Moongoose runs around with Shimmer would have been a better use of a spot in this match than you.   Are you here to help Pizza Boy? Are you so someone could brag about having the quickest elimination?  What is your purpose Nobi? I’m sure you’ll answer that and try to make me feel like some type of dummy and tell me you do have a chance of winning and when you go ahead and do that.  Well I’ll tell Big Mike to press that button on his remote again just so you can hear that joke drum one more time.  A matter of fact I hope someone gets backstage and when you enter the match instead of whatever shit theme you have.  The joke drum just continues to play and plays again when you’re eliminated.  Which probably won’t be any longer than 5 seconds after you enter.   Maybe I should of just used the joke drum when speaking on you but I figured the stuffed crust pizza thing would be more witty and plus me and Big Mike were hungry.  
 
(Chris Elite proceeds to the next object which seems to be a dummy with a wig with a shirt on that reads “I’m Lady Luck”)
 
Chris Elite: (As he wraps his arm around the dummy with a smirk on his face) Hello Pizza Boy you’ve awfully had a lot to say this week.    I heard you speaking on knowing the strengths and weaknesses and all this other shit about your opponents.  You don’t know anything about me though.   I respect what you said about me last week I really do.  I found it actually heartwarming kind of that someone actually showed me some respect instead of being a parrot and repeating the same thing.   By the way we have one of those here too.  Anyway Pizza Boy you know nothing about me and that should scare you.  Out of everyone in this match I should frighten you the most and I’m sure deep down I do.  You should also be afraid of the fact I know what’s gotten you so far in this company and it’s this lovely lady my arm is wrapped around.  Lady Luck.  You are the real man of miracles in this match Pizza Boy and those miracles and the luck it’s ran its course.  You’ve received enough of it and I will be the one to expose you for what you truly are and sending you back to something you were really good at where you didn’t have to rely on luck.   Back to delivering pizza’s in less than 30 minutes.   Big Mike to make sure I stay true to my word and to make sure he truly has no more luck on his side I’m going to need to you dispose of this dummy. 
 
(Chris Elite hands the dummy to Big Mike while he moves onto the Parrot that flies onto his shoulder)
 
Chris Elite: Okay Lars the Parrot repeat after me okay?  Chris Elite is a what?
 
Parrot: Chris Elite is a failure.  He fails at everything.  His win over me means nothing but my win over him means everything.   Chris Elite is a failure.  He fails at everything.  His win over me…
 
Chris Elite:  Okay, okay Jesus Christ stop.   We get it damn it.   This is just how the real Lars sounds he repeats the same thing over and over and over and over.  Like okay we get the point do you have nothing else to say?  When you bring me up can you go a whole sentence without using the word failure?  There’s a site called thesaurus use a word off of that.   Here allow me to help you out a bit to keep me away from a fucking migraine.  Okay here we go first word is flop that starts with an f you can start using that.  If you don’t like that word you can use the word loser that seems simple enough for you to say.  I mean if you want to keep using the word failure then so be it just know this weekend you’ll add another failure under your name too.  Hey your almost catching up too me!  Unlike you though I’m actually going to learn from my mistakes and mock me if you want but there will be nothing to mock when you get thrown over the tope rope and I’m the one with my hand raised.  Now Lars the Parrot fly away go become Big Mike the Parrot and repeat B or something because even that at this point is less annoying what Lars has been saying…
 
(Chris Elite smirks and goes forward grabbing a mask)
 
Chris Elite: This mask represents the number thirty entrant Ryan Marx.  Ryan despite actually not wearing one hides under a mask.  Whether it’s the mask of the philosopher or his more up to date mask with whatever he calls himself now.  You see he hides behind this to hide what he truly is which no one actually knows.  I mean just a month ago we were calling him a philosopher but I guess Lannister beat that out of him and now he’s a… Oh that’s right a zeitgeist I’m still ignorant to what that is and will remain to be just that because I don’t have time to look it up call me dumb an idiot whatever I’m not going to waste my time on trying to find out what this.  Feel free to explain though or don’t because just like Lannister did to the philosopher I’m going to beat the zeitgeist out of you and you’ll comeback with a new mask and something to new to hide behind.   Ryan there will be no excuses about why I defeat you and the rest of the people in Grand Rampage.  No outside interference, no distractions none of that.  Even though it’s your fault you let your guard down in matches like those we had before just setting yourself up for failure but hey that’s beside the point.  It’s a new day and a new match and a new win over Ryan Marx.  
 
(Chris Elite is then handed a rock about medium sized as he firmly grasps it in his hands)
 

Chris Elite:  Last but not least a rock.  Who exactly does this represent you may ask? Well you are looking at him.  Me, Chris Elite.  Solid as a rock since I’ve returned nothing has been able to break me.  For a year and some change since I’ve made my return I’ve been through it all.  I was in some shitty ass group where some new guy was a leader over me a veteran and that went nowhere.  Old me from about 4 years ago would have quit after that.   Then I had failure to failure to failure from last year’s Grand Rampage all the way to Cash in the Vault.   Then fast forward a month or 2 later I win myself my first championship the New Breed Championship.   Go ahead another month or 2 later I lose that title to Rex and again I’m back to coming up short.  In a match to regain the title back, in a battle royal to fight for National Elite championship and most recently my Gold Rush tournament short comings.  I’m still here, I’m still standing with the same amount of pride I had when I first signed my contract to return here.  Nothing has changed those failures are just lessons, lessons that will help me get through this match and be victorious.  Lessons a lot of you guy’s in this match don’t have.  So when I tell you to keep your distance from me yes Moongoose I mean it.  Take it as a warning, a threat whatever you feel like but I’m serious.   Whether you want to make that fatal mistake to approach me in the wrong way is up to you.   TLA I hope you and the TLArmy are ready to deal with a huge disappointment.  I hope all the fan favorites are ready to deal with a huge disappointment and if not then you’ll just have deal with it. Whether any of you are taking me seriously doesn’t affect me in any type of way.  Laugh now and I guarantee you’ll be crying later.  I will be the one with the last laugh and it sure as hell will be the best laugh.   Fuck your crystal balls fuck your lady lucks, fuck your mask’s, you’re stuffed crust pizza and fuck those who keep repeating themselves.  Also fuck those who think it’s “Their time”.   Wrong it’s my time and it’s been my time for quite a while now and it’s just about time I do something about that.  Bring what you want to the match because none of it or none of them are stronger than this rock, Big Mike or myself.   There are other opportunities for you guys to make your way to Pain for Pride and you’ll just have to settle with those opportunities because the one we have this week it’s mine.

(Camera fades)