(The camera cuts to ringside where special guest ring announcer Donald Trump is standing in the ring.)

Donald Trump: Just like my presidential campaign the following contest will be decided in one fall!

(“Perfect Cell Theme” by DBZ hits as Sephiroth comes out to the ring with smoke everywhere. The crowd attempts to boo him but can’t reach him through the smoke. Sephiroth enters the ring as he takes his suit off. Donald Trump tightens his suit jacket in retaliation.)

Matt Ryder: Sephiroth is scary as fuck.

Jake Mercer: I could not agree more he is a total lone wolf.

Donald Trump: Introducing first from current location of residence unknown, this illegal immigrant who I will be deporting back to Latvia after this match… he is “The Calm Assassin”... I told you they were all killers right? … “THE LATVIAN CON-MAN” SEPHIROTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Matt Ryder: Look at Sephiroth meditating in the ring. He’s so edgy and badass.

Jake Mercer: He has a tough task ahead of him tonight tho.

Maxwell Dachs: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH KANSAS CITAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! DON’T YOU DARE BE SOURRRRRRRR!!! CLAP FOR THE NEW DACHS AND FEEEEL THE POWAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! IT’S A NEW DACHS YES IT IS!!!

(Church music begins to play as Team DCW comes out skipping to the ring.)

Donald Trump: And his opponent being accompanied by Venom and Maxwell Dachs… “THE SILENCER” KERRRRRRRRRRRRY KELLER!!!

(Venom sips a beer bottle as he and Maxwell Dachs make their way over to the commentary table and Kerry Keller jumps into the ring. Sephiroth is not amused.)

Venom: Kerk his darn ass Kerry! I ain’t fixin’ to spend more time in Missourah than I gotta!

Dachs: Venom please.

(Donald Trump exits the ring as he assaults a Mexican fan in the front row. Security quickly drags the fan away to be deported as the referee calls for the bell.)

DING! DING! DING!

Matt Ryder: Well we are under…

(Maxwell Dachs takes Ryder’s headset off and throws it into the crowd as Venom does the same to James Shield. Ryder and Shield look sad as they take seats next to the Spanish announcers.)

Maxwell Dachs: Look at Kerry Keller go! He is unleashing that New Ministry fury on Sephiroth just like old times! Venom look! He just took him down with like fifty German suplexes! He is taking him to Suplex City baby!

Venom: What match are you watching Maxwell? Sephiroth just dropped Keller with one punch. It looked like he tripped! I’m so done. That’s gotta hurt worse than when your wife tells you to make your own damn sandwich amirite?

Maxwell Dachs: Urite Venom. Now it’s time for Keller’s secret comeback. Cum back get it Venom?

Venom: No. But now Sephiroth is pummelling the hell out of Keller in the corner. Where the hell is Landerson? He should be out here to see this.

Maxwell Dachs: I’ll give him a call.

Venom: As Dach’s reaches into his red velvet pocket to retrieve something hard this match is finally kicking into high gear. And by kicking into high gear I mean Sephiroth is unleashing a series of hard kicks to the chest of a kneeling Keller.

Kerry Keller: I’m gonna silence you!

Sephiroth: …

Venom: Oh and Sephiroth connects with a roundhouse kick to the jaw of Keller! The cover! It’s all over in three seconds! Just like my marriage was three seconds after we arrived at that staircase.

1!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Venom: And Keller somehow gets the shoulder up!

Maxwell Dachs: El Landerson come out here we need you. Keller can’t win without you.

Venom: And Sephiroth lighting up the chest of Kerry Keller with a series of knife edge chops. I know for sure that Keller is familiar with a knife edge but he’s usually not used to someone else doing it.

Maxwell Dachs: No you don’t have a Vixen’s title match at Road to Redemption PPV.

Venom: Sephiroth lifts Keller up above his head! This is the highest Keller has ever been before! And Sephiroth throws him over the top rope! Keller just went sailing over the top rope and out of the ring! Wait what is this? El Landerson is making his way to the ring wearing a Maria Gonzales t-shirt and a towel.

Maxwell Dachs: Good he’s finally out here.

Venom: Sephiroth is mesmerized by El Landerson as he rolls out of the ring. Sephiroth throws up the apron of the ring as he begins looking for something.

Dachs: El Landerson has a microphone nothing good can come from this.

El Landerson: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN I AM WITH PIFF AND LANDERSON EXPERIENCE FACING MARIA GONZALES IN MIXED TAG TEAM CAGE MATCH FOR WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT AND VIXEN SPECIALIST CHAMPIONSHIPS AT SHOCK VALUE PPV! QUE HONDA PIFF!!!

Venom: And Sephiroth pulls out his signature ASSAULT RIFLE from under the ring! Holy shit! Why the hell is there a gun under the ring?

Maxwell Dachs: This is how easy it is to find a gun in this country Venom.

Venom: Sephiroth looks like a deranged school shooter! He’s going to kill El Landerson!

Dachs: And Sephiroth now pointing the gun directly at El Landerson and Kerry Keller on the outside! Keller rolls away falling over as he tries to escape under Landerson’s legs!

Venom: Sephiroth laughing manically as he reaches for the trigger!

Dachs: OH SHIT WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED!

Venom: El Landerson just pissed himself!

Dachs: OH GAWD I CAN SMELL IT FROM HERE!

Venom: The warm yellow liquid is running down the leg of El Landerson onto Kerry Keller as Keller begins to scream in horror and tries to run away. But El Landerson CATCHES him in his arms. Keller squirms trying to escape from taking the piss as Landerson continues to piss all over the entrance ramp.

Dachs: It’s like a yellow river Venom!

Venom: It sure is Maggswell! Sephiroth charges in with the assault rifle battering El Landerson in the head as he grabs Kerry Keller by the hair and drags him back to the ring. It looks like the referee is too disgusted to administer the ten count!

Dachs: Fire this man! He’s not doing his job! Deport him Donald Trump!

Venom: Sephiroth back in the ring as he drops his assault rifle on the mat and throws his hand up like a gun. SEIZURE PROCEDURE ON KELLER! IT CONNECTS! THE COVER!!

1!!!!!!!!!!!!

2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DING! DING! DING!

Donald Trump: Your winner and the reason I don’t support gun control laws in this country… SEPHIROTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(“Perfect Cell Theme” hits as El Landerson’s mother rushes out of the crowd with Pampers to clean up her son’s mess. Sephiroth celebrates in the ring with Donald Trump as they hold their firearms above their heads in celebration.)

Dachs: What the hell Keller? You idiot you failed Team DCW! AGAIN! Why do we even keep you on the team? That referee screwed us! Donald Trump also screwed us! I am quitting this company you sure won’t see me back here next week. God damn it Keller.

Venom: Calm down Dachs here have a beer.

(Venom reaches down into the back of his jeans under his underwear and pulls out an ice cold beer bottle. Venom and Maxwell Dachs leave drinking a beer together as they leave through the audience to avoid the mess now being attended to by EAW’s janitorial staff on the ramp. James Shield and Matt Ryder rejoin the commentary table.)

James Shield: I’ve never felt so insulted to have to sit at the Spanish commentary table. It’s worse than hell ever could be.

Matt Ryder: Well as the janitors clean up this mess we have some exciting commercials for you! Wait is that EOE and Vance Tybull cleaning up the piss?

James Shield: I think it is Matt! Stay tuned for more classic Showdown and more of my smooth pleasing voice filling your woman’s ears.

(The camera cuts to a commercial for the Rise and Fall of Adam Aries DVD. The fall portion of the DVD documents the 2011 earthquakes and tsunamis in Japan.)